I was bound for the dumpster. I had planned to leave everything behind. Once my mother’s funeral was over, I’d had nothing else to live for.
His decisions and actions had all been self-centered.
And yet, even though my mother’s funeral was over, I still had so much. I could list so many things that I still held in my hands. He had given me all of them.
The box had always been full; I’d simply never opened it.
I took the file out of my bag. It contained the contracts that he had placed in the living room.
When we signed the first contract at the Nishikawa residence, there were seventeen of them. Now there were only two. One for October and one for January. I took both out and rolled them up. I threw them in the trash—three points.
“I don’t think I can reciprocate your feelings. But if you don’t mind that, I’ll stay with you.”
Even as he shed big fat tears, his eyes were as clear and beautiful as ever.
Now, I finally wanted to reach out and grab it.
This was a sandcastle. Even knowing that, my decision wouldn’t change.
“I’ll stay with you for the rest of your life,” I said.
His eyes scared me.
They were warm—so warm that they made me believe that love was real after all. Those eyes were watching me.
They scared me more than I could say.
As I left his hospital room and headed for the elevator, I saw the Nishikawa family in the lounge. My gaze met Kasumi-san’s, and she took me to the hospital’s courtyard. We sat side by side on a bench.
“He said he saw me here,” I said.
“Apparently. I wasn’t there, but Kadzuki often told me about it.”
The courtyard was the way I remembered it. Everyone called it a courtyard, but technically, it wasn’t enclosed on all sides. It was simply a paved path winding between the multiple inpatient wards. It contained simple flower beds, slopes, and benches scattered around the perimeter.
It was close to the cardiac surgery ward, so I used to visit it often with my mother. It felt like the only place where she’d had contact with the outside world. Otherwise, she’d been confined to her closed-off hospital bed.
“He told me everything. There are still some things I don’t understand, but it explains a lot. So it’s not like you had a list of candidates and chose me because I was best suited for the role.”
“No. It always had to be you, Sacchan. Honestly, I was surprised at first. You seemed quite different from the kind person Kadzuki had described. But after a while, I was glad it was you. I still am.”
Kasumi-san watched me intently. Her gaze was warm, just like his.
“Thank you for not abandoning Kadzuki,” she added.
“I haven’t told you my decision yet. I’m surprised you know it without me saying it, though.”
“You’re kind and honest, Sacchan. If you had rejected him, you’d look more awkward and guilty right now.”
I laughed dryly.
Sitting here really brought back memories. Pushing my mother’s wheelchair when I took her out to get some fresh air, admonishing my yelling father, telling my mother that my father was gone...
All those ugly emotions that were born in this hospital.
I wasn’t kind at all.
I was scared, angry, envious, and resentful. I had always hated everything.
Whatever he saw in me wasn’t the real me—but I didn’t mind that.
“It’s a good thing he fell in love with me of all people,” I murmured.
When he’d admitted his feelings to me, that was the only emotion that had appeared in my heart.
Kasumi-san brought her fingers to her brow. “I don’t know what to say...”
Her usual smile was nowhere to be found, her expression stiff. I immediately understood her words. We both knew her brother would end up in the same place as my mother.
“I’m really glad you chose to stay by Kadzuki’s side, Sacchan. But this must be so difficult for you. I’m his family, but you got dragged into this... He won’t get any better.”
Kasumi-san answered my question before I had a chance to ask it.
“He doesn’t have long left to live. He wouldn’t have asked you to stay with him otherwise.”
“I see.”
I stood up and walked over to a nearby vending machine. Kasumi-san caught up with me and took out her wallet.
“I’ll buy you whatever you want.”
“Then I’ll have black coffee... I’d like to try it.”
“Try it... Huh? You’ve never had black coffee before?”
Looking skeptical, she handed me the can that came out. Kasumi-san got herself an unflavored tea before we returned to the bench.
As I walked, I hooked my finger around the pull tab. A cold aroma wafted from the air. I had a vague idea at that point, but I steeled my nerves and took a sip.
I couldn’t help but laugh.
Kasumi-san turned around, concerned that drinking coffee had made me burst out laughing. I kept laughing all the same. Really? I’d thought growing up poor made everything taste good.
“Oh, this is horrible.”
“Hey, you got it for free.”
“No, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant. I haven’t had store-bought coffee in a long time. I’ve never liked it, and it’s not even a good source of hydration.”
We sat back down on the bench. I took another sip, and it was just as bad as the first.
“I only drink coffee with you at the café and when your brother makes it at home. But I don’t really know what makes coffee good, and for a long time, I didn’t really see the difference between the fancy stuff and instant coffee, but I was wrong. It does taste different. The coffee he makes for me is great.”
“I’ve been saying that the entire time. Were you drinking it without any appreciation? Well... I guess you’re spoiled! Stuck on Kadzuki’s coffee from now on.”
“I guess so...”
What had he done to me?
I thought about the four years we’d spent together. He must have influenced so many things about me from my coffee preferences to my lifestyle—even things I’d never asked for. Even things I wasn’t even aware of.
No matter how much I’d try to erase him, he would never go away.
Before I knew it, he had filled the void in my heart.
“I’m sure I’ve learned many things from him by now.”
“He was just pursuing what would make him happy. That’s why he was holding himself back around you. He felt guilty. He’d gotten this far pretending not to notice your feelings.”
“That was him holding back?”
“Yes. While you two were living together, he never really got angry with you, did he? In truth, he said he couldn’t. He spent every day immersed in your kindness, so he said he had no right to be angry. He kept that to himself because he felt guilty.”
Kasumi-san was right. That was why everyone told me not to blame him. Because, even though they acknowledged his arrogant behavior, they understood his feelings to a frustrating degree. Even though they knew he deserved the consequences, they still didn’t wish it upon him.
I felt the same way.
I thought he was like a jewel. Expensive, noble, and only fit for the most chosen. He wasn’t a person who should belong to someone like me, but he’d fallen into my life by some strange twist of fate. For a reason I still didn’t comprehend, he’d chosen me, so I had no choice but to cherish him.
I didn’t know how to do that with anything, but I wanted to cherish him the way he’d shown me.
I found myself wishing for that.
“I’m glad I can make him happy.”