In truth, that future made me a little sad. I’d grown the slightest bit attached to him, even if I was ready to cut ties altogether in the end.
At the very beginning of our senior year, he said he wanted to go to the beach.
It was April, so winter was comfortably over by now, but the temperature was still far from warm. We certainly wouldn’t be swimming in this weather, so I didn’t see the point of going.
“Who cares? I just wanna go,” he said with his usual smile, and I couldn’t resist.
Even though many people wanted to hang out with him—Fujieda, to name just one—sometimes he would distance himself from them and say he wanted to go somewhere just the two of us. I didn’t know his true intentions behind this, but after four years spent so close to him, I knew the best course of action.
The bus to the park by the sea was empty, save for the two of us. And yet, we sat pressed together in two seats in the back. Our arms were touching from shoulder to elbow as we snuggled up together like two birds trying to keep warm. I’d grown accustomed to this literal closeness too.
“Are you sleepy?” he asked as I found myself nodding off due to the droning of the bus. “I know you’ve been up late filling out applications. Your lights were on all night. Go ahead and take a nap.”
He was right. Taking him at his word, I grunted my assent and closed my eyes. I’d been leaning back against the seat, but the swaying of the bus pushed my head in his direction. I thought I should move off of him, but my brain was already half asleep. I couldn’t be bothered to muster the energy to pick up my head.
Then I heard his voice.
His crystal clear voice.
I assumed he was talking to himself. He sounded so much lonelier than usual.
“I’m sure you’ll forget it all eventually, Sacchan.”
How could I forget a crazy bastard like you? I thought to myself, but my fading consciousness kept me from saying it out loud.
When I woke up, we were a minute away from arriving at our destination.
We got off the bus once it stopped on a road along the coast. A fierce breeze welcomed us with the smell of the sea. His long hair fluttered in the wind. Unbothered by the wind on his exposed neck, he began walking.
Beyond the beach, the ocean was as wild as the wind. The waves slapped the shore with frightening force. He found the stairs, descended to the beach, and removed his shoes and socks on the soft sand.
“Oh, you’re going in?” I asked, surprised.
“What else do you do at the beach? Besides, it’s warm today.”
“Yeah, for April. Leave that for summer.”
“I might not get a chance come summertime.”
With that, he walked barefoot to the water’s edge. His toes plunged into the water, leaving footprints in the damp sand. Up to his ankles in the ocean, he remarked, “It’s cold.”
“What did you expect?”
“Join me, Sacchan.”
“I’m good.”
He sighed his disappointment and started without me. As he walked parallel to the shoreline, his toes pointed upward with each kick of the foam. He frolicked like a dog. The waves came and went beneath his feet.
“Wow, it’s freezing!”
“Of course it is.” I walked parallel to him, keeping a safe distance out of the waves’ reach.
“Usually I’d get in trouble for this sort of thing,” he said.
“With who?”
“My sister, the professionals I see...”
“Like your piano teacher? I’m surprised this would matter for piano. I can’t speak for Kasumi-san’s concern, though.”
Because she’d scolded me in the past, I knew Kasumi-san was a stickler for good behavior.
“I just can’t help myself when I’m with you.”
“Oh, now it’s my fault?”
We walked onward. The wind filled the space between us, but it was empty nonetheless. Things were eerily quiet here, but the view was beautiful. Not a soul was in sight.
On the deserted beach, all that could be heard was the roaring of the waves and the occasional echo of laughter.
We didn’t feel the need to talk. I found silence peaceful, but I hadn’t always. When my parents had been around, silence had felt awkward. I remembered having felt anxious, having thought I should’ve said something, should’ve made them laugh—something to fix that horrible feeling.
When I was with him, the anxiety went quiet. His silence wasn’t belligerent, and if he wanted to tell me something, he would.
With him, I was at ease.
Thinking how far we’d come made me want to chuckle. When we first met, I was so hostile and suspicious of him. That was gone now, I realized. What a strange twist of fate.
“Oh? It’s not often I catch you smiling, Sacchan.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“You should smile more often.”
“I don’t do it on command.”
“So, what are your plans for after graduation?”
“Dunno. I’ll work for whoever will have me, and I’ll live a normal life. And you? Gonna work for the Nishikawa conglomerate like a good son?”
“Hmm, not sure. My sister ended up striking out on her own. I suppose I’m still thinking.”
“You’re a senior, dude.”
“Yeah, it’s not ideal.”
He walked the length of the beach several times. When we hit the wall of breakwater barriers, he swiveled around in a big motion, kicking up water. When we reached the other end, we turned around again.
At some point, he became sick of the cold, stepped away from the water’s edge, put on his shoes, and started walking again. He seemed reluctant to leave. His footprints continued, as if he were trying to leave something behind.
Finally, he stopped and sat down out of the reach of the waves. I did as well once he told me to sit next to him. The day was almost over. Night had fallen by now, and the stars were starting to come into view.
“It was nice to see you smile today, Sacchan.”
“Is that really so noteworthy?”
“Well, you smile way more than you used to, but this might have been the first time I’ve seen you smile like you’re actually having fun.” He laughed in delight. “Gotta burn that into my memory! I should’ve taken a photo for posterity.”
I sensed him turn toward me, and I met his gaze.
As I stared into his eyes, it dawned on me again that he really did scare me. I didn’t want to break him. I didn’t want to stain him. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to stay safe from all the ugliness of this world. If he remained pristine, I might just be able to believe the world wasn’t entirely awful after all.
At the same time, I didn’t want his piercing eyes focused on me, of all people.
“Sacchan...”
But they remained on me. He lifted his hand and ran his fingertips over the back of my hand. He was looking straight at me.
“Keep smiling. Stay happy,” he said.
I could tell him the same thing, but I worried that if I did, it would sound hopelessly saccharine, and that wasn’t it.
I answered with a vague smile. He smiled back and looked up at the sky.
It had gotten so dark that I couldn’t even see my hands in front of me.