Chapter 7

After breakfast the next morning, Kaito and Lilia headed to the pizza parlor. The morning air was clean and bracing, and it promised that work to come would be a pleasure. “All right! Gotta take care of the oven first.” “I’ll help you!” Lilia once again offered her assistance. “I appreciate it, but go slow, okay?” Kaito reminded her, still remembering the previous day’s trouble. “Gentle! Got it!!” Lilia picked up the cleaning peel. “No, no!! I didn’t mean move slowly. I just want you to brush slowly!! I wasn’t asking you to move one centimeter per second or whatever!!” Lilia always kept things interesting, at least. When the cleaning was done, Kaito went to get the fire started and noticed they were running low on wood. “Erk, not a lot of firewood here…” “Let’s ask Hans the woodcutter, then. He’ll bring us some.” Kaito was a bit surprised by this. “So there’s a woodcutter around here, huh?” He asked Lilia to arrange the delivery while he started making the dough. They still had leftover ingredients. Come to think of it, would he keep getting new ingredients forever? If it turned out he would only be given supplies early on, he’d eventually need to find a way to get them on his own. That meant he needed money. As Kaito worked the dough, trying to think of ways to come up with some cash, there was a knock on the door. “Good morning! Hans the woodcutter, at your service! I brought firewood!” “Wow, that was quick!” When Kaito opened the door, he found a blue-eyed, curly-haired elf standing there. Or at least, he was pretty sure it was an elf. He had blond hair and pointy ears, but Hans was a little different from the other elves Kaito had met. For starters, he had a face as round as a rice ball. Lilia and the other elves of the village had much slimmer features. And then there was his physique. Most of the locals were noticeably thin, but Hans had a certain plumpness… In fact, he was about the shape of a barrel. His clothes looked fit to burst, like the buttons might fly off at any moment. “Pleased to meet you! The headman sent me. I’m the woodsman Hans.” “Oh, nice to meet you, Hans.” It seemed Hans was indeed a member of the village. In other words, definitely an elf… Probably. Hans, for his part, seemed oblivious to Kaito’s confusion. “You don’t know how overjoyed I am to be talking to the hero himself!” “O-oh yeah? Thanks…” Hans had suddenly gotten so close that they were practically nose to nose. Kaito hurriedly put some distance between them. This guy is so intense it’s scary! Hans was smiling happily and unloading a huge bundle of firewood from his back. “Here’s your delivery, as requested. Material from broad-leaved trees, not too smoky and doesn’t leave a lot of soot.” “Thank you very—” “Oops!” Just as Kaito was trying to express his gratitude, the heavy wood threw Hans off-balance. The whole load clattered onto the floor in an avalanche, leaving Hans lying dazed on top. There was a further cracking sound as several of the logs gave way under Hans’s weight. It was a cruel way of adding insult to injury. “……” “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I’m so very sorry!” Hans struggled to get up off the pile of wood. He was so round, it couldn’t have been easy for him to stand. “No, no, it’s all right.” The poor woodcutter had gone so pale that Kaito felt downright sorry for him. He’s…very emotional, isn’t he? “I’m just so careless! I’m so very, very sorry!” “No, seriously, don’t worry about it.” At that moment, Hans looked directly at Kaito. His eyes brimmed with such passion that Kaito thought, Is he about to confess his love for me or something?! Instead, Hans murmured, “I’m so happy you deigned to choose our world, O Honored Hero…” “Huh…?” So…not a confession of love. That was a relief. Kaito stopped looking for a window he could jump through and turned his attention back to the elf. “We prayed and prayed to the goddess, but she said something about heroes having a certain amount of discretion… And none of them ever picked us.” “……” “That’s why I’m so glad you’re here!” Nu-uh, no way! I didn’t pick this place! It looked like I had a choice, but I didn’t! I got duped! Who would want to be the “High-Calorie Hero”?! But, he reflected, he’d never realized the goddess might have had a reason like that for sending him. “I waited eagerly to find out what sort of person might come for us, but when I saw you, Lord Kaito, I was so overwhelmed that I wept like a boy!” “Oh… Uh…” Had the elves’ hopes really been that high? True, they had seemed awfully excited to see him. I wonder if I can really be the person they want me to be… “A young man from a foreign land, with exotic black hair and eyes. And such a kind heart! And no sooner did you arrive than you introduced us to that wonderful food you call pizza…” Hans was visibly quaking with emotion. Kaito felt a stab of guilt. I… I’m sorry. I didn’t exactly choose this place, and I didn’t do it because I was eager to save your world. I just kind of…wound up here, making pizza… But I’m gonna give this everything I’ve got, so forgive me!! Kaito couldn’t break Hans’s heart, so he swallowed his words. “I don’t think I saw you at the welcome party…” There had been a lot of people there, but Hans would have made an impression in the crowd of slim, elegant elves. “No, sir! I was very eager to go and welcome you, but in my excitement, I took a fall down the stairs and couldn’t move for a while! But I’m fine now!” Hans took a large glass jar out of the bag hanging from his shoulder. There was something golden inside. The woodcutter pulled out a spoon and began chowing down on it. Somewhat concerned about what was happening, Kaito asked hesitantly, “What’s…that…?” “It’s honey! Do you want some, too, O Honored Hero?” “Oh, no, thanks…” He didn’t think he could manage mouthfuls of the thick, gooey honey without anything to put it on. But Hans happily emptied the jar. “Phew! Energizing! Now to gather up this firewood!” I think I know now why Hans is the only fat elf… Hans noticed Kaito staring at his rotund belly and said, “Ah, changed your mind about the honey, have you? Don’t worry—I’ve got more!” He produced a veritable pile of glass jars, all full of honey. So that was why his bag looked so stuffed. “Nonononono! How much of that stuff do you have anyway?!” “The idea of running out of honey is the most terrifying thing I can imagine…” “Are you an addict? You’ve got a honey addiction!!” “Ad-dict? Is that something tasty?” Hans’s eyes were shining. “Um, let’s get away from the subject of food for a minute… You know what? Never mind. You live your life however you want…” “…? Yes, sir!” Hans cheerfully began collecting the firewood. “Oh yeah, I was thinking I’d make a sign for you if you wanted. I’ve got a board with me, if you’d like.” “A sign?” True, if he was going to have a shop, a sign would be nice. “What are you going to call this place?” “Huh? You mean its name?” He hadn’t even thought about it. That’s a good point. A restaurant needs a name… But I just can’t think of one on the spot like this! “You two, brainstorm something!” “I know!!” Lilia immediately raised her hand. “Yes?” “How about ‘Delicious Pizza’?!” Kaito had hoped she really had something, but he practically fell out of his chair at this suggestion. Keep it together. Big smile. “…Uh, yeah, thank you. It’s certainly simple and direct, but it doesn’t really say restaurant name to me. It’s more…exposition.” “I see!” Lilia began thinking deeply. Hans’s hand shot up. “Got a good idea?” “Yes, sir!” Hans opened his mouth to speak, his expression tense. “Pizzero!” “…Pizzero?” Kaito stared at Hans for a moment. Yep, he’s keeping a straight face. He must be serious. “…Did you just put pizza and hero together…?” “Yes!!” “Hmm. Yeah… Like what they used to do with light novel titles. But don’t you think it’s a little cryptic?” “Would longer be better? Then how about ‘The Shop Where the Honored Hero Makes the World’s Very Best Pizza Ever’?” “…Uh, yeah. That definitely lets you know what you’re getting into…but I think it’s a little too long. It might be hard to remember. Or say. Y’know?” This is getting us nowhere. Yep, it’s my fault for relying on others. What to do, what to do…? Kaito sank deep in thought. The name of his pizza parlor had to be something distinctive, elegant, with a good sound, but memorable. Then it struck him: How about ‘Grateful World’s-End Pizza’? Magnificent pizza at the world’s end. Yeah, that sounds good. That sounds cool. “Ahem…” But just as he was about to share his idea with Lilia and Hans, he remembered the faces of the elves when he’d announced his made-up hero name. They’d been completely flummoxed. Their reaction had been almost physically painful to him, and now he was on the verge of a repeat performance… What was I thinking? This isn’t the end of the world! It’s just a normal village. ‘Grateful Another-World Pizza,’ then? Because, hey, I’m in an alternate world. Nah, that doesn’t sound remotely appetizing. It would only leave people wondering what was in my pies… “What’s wrong, O Honored Hero?” Hans was looking at him with concern. “Oh, nothing… Simple is best, you know? I think I need to go back to basics.” Kaito started racking his brain. I need a name that’s easy but could only belong to my shop. Something inviting. Something that’ll make people confident the food is gonna be delicious. “What about…‘The Hero’s Pizza Parlor’?” I’m the only hero in this world. Or…the only one who makes pizza, anyway. So that makes the name unique. But is it a little too simple…? Kaito’s heart pounded as he gauged the elves’ reaction. “That’s fantastic!!” “I knew you would come up with something, Lord Kaito!!” Hans and Lilia trembled in sheer admiration. “Y-you really like it?” “It’s the best!” “I knew you could do it, Lord Kaito!” It felt pretty good, having the two of them heap praise on him like this, but he couldn’t help wondering if he’d really come up with something worthy of this level of adulation. Still, it was simple and understandable, and that was what counted. “Well, time to make the sign, then!” Hans pulled out some woodworking tools. That is one versatile bag… Kaito hadn’t seen woodworking implements for a long time, and it pulled on his heartstrings. He remembered how they used to make desks and stuff in class. Hey, isn’t this kind of dangerous? That wood is hard; he won’t be able to keep his hand steady… “Yipe!” Hans was smoothing the surface of the board with a chisel-like tool when his hand slipped. “Yeeeek!” Kaito gave a shriek. “No worries—I’m okay.” “‘Okay’?! You almost chopped off your finger!” Kaito’s heart was still pounding. He’d nearly witnessed a major emergency before his very eyes. “No worries at all!” Scrape. This time the hand holding the chisel slipped slightly, and the sharp blade grazed Hans’s protruding stomach. “Eeek!” I can’t do it! I can’t watch! “Hans, stop! Just forget about the sign!!” “No worries! I’m just gonna carve the name in here…” Krack! “Hrrk!” This time the blade bit into the wood inches away from his thumb. “Huh? This isn’t quite working…” “Hans! Wait, Hans! Hans, Hans!!” Kaito couldn’t help shouting. “What is it?” “You almost buried that thing in your hand!” “I’m fine.” “You are not fine!” I can’t do it. This is too awful to watch. Plus, I don’t want a sign that’s covered in blood! What can I do, what can I do…? “Hans! I’ve got a request!” Hans looked up at him. “Anything!” Now, what can I say to distract him…? Huh? What’s this feeling of déjà vu…? Oh. Lilia. Lilia was a handful, too, in her own way. “Um, why don’t you let me carve it?” “Oh, no! I’ll take care of it!” “But, uh, it’s my sign for my store, so maybe I should do it.” Hans still didn’t look happy. Kaito thought hard. He wants to help me. It’s painfully obvious. But it’s backfiring on him. “I just need you to help me out.” Hans looked doubtful. “Help you out how…?” “Start eating some of that honey. You know, the stuff in your bag.” “How will that help…?” Hans still hadn’t relinquished his grip on the chisel. It really won’t. This is a stupid idea. “You get so energized when you’re eating that honey that it makes me feel strong just watching. That’s how you’re helping.” “Oh, I get it!” Kaito wasn’t sure exactly what Hans “got” about his incoherent excuse, but the elf happily began cramming honey into his mouth. “Is everyone around here like this…?” Kaito muttered as he took up the chisel. At long last, Kaito finished the sign. His work had been halting and slow at first, but by the time he was finished, it was going along smoothly. Hey, I’m pretty handy. “Phew… Done!!” “Phew… Done!!” Just as Kaito finished the sign, Hans finished eating the honey. Looks like I just made it… “Nice work, Hans!! With your help, I was able to get the sign done!” “And done well! It looks wonderful.” “Well, it was all thanks to you.” Thanks to you keeping out of the way, specifically… “It is an honor to be of service to you, O Honored Hero!!” Hans’s eyes were welling up with emotion. “Y-yeah…” Even though I did most of the actual carving…and you just sat there eating honey. Kaito was completely exhausted, but he managed a smile. The unfamiliar work had left his muscles stiff and his stomach empty. “Let me treat you to a pizza to thank you.” So this was the situation: Hans had caused nothing but trouble, so Kaito was going to treat him to a pizza. “Wow, really?!” “Yeah. I’m pretty hungry, myself. How about you, Lilia?” Lilia nodded vigorously. When he saw the margherita pizza that Kaito cooked up, Hans howled, “Wooooooooooowwwie!! Does that ever look good! Look at that melting cheese…!!” It occurred to Kaito that this was the first time Hans would have encountered this pizza. “Get it while it’s hot!” Staring at the dish, Hans slapped his knee in an epiphany. “I’ll bet this would go great with honey!” “Huh?” Honey? Like…honey honey? Yes indeed. Hans eagerly pulled out a bottle. “I keep an emergency jar around for situations just like this!” “What the heck?!” “Bon appétit!” And then Hans was slathering honey all over the pizza. I’ve seen people put Tabasco sauce on their pizza, but honey?! “Hans, wait—! Hans—!” Kaito’s voice was practically cracking. “This is amaaaaazing!!” Hans quivered with emotion. “The beeeeest!! Ahhh, the cheese and the honey just melt together! And the way it complements the distinctiveness of the tomato sauce—!”