Chapter 1

“Aw man, I’m so hungry…” Kaito heaved a sigh of near starvation. He was so busy with work, all he’d had for breakfast was a nutrient bar. “I can’t stand it! Being hungry sucks…” He felt like he was going to faint clean away from lack of food. He could barely think. All he could do was force himself to move his feet, one step after another, like a race walker. “I wonder what I should eat… Ramen, curry, beef bowl, hamburger…” He suddenly spotted a pizza delivery moped. The logo showed it was from the most popular pizza place in town. “Ahhh, pizza… Now, that would be good… Pizza, pizza!” It was only then that he noticed the bike wasn’t slowing down. “Pi—” was the last thing Kaito ever said. The delivery bike slammed into him without even putting on the brakes, sending him flying through the air. When he came to, Kaito was in a beautiful castle in the sky. White clouds floated all around. There, in a chamber with a floor that shone like platinum, was a goddess. Now, of course, Kaito had never seen a goddess, but this woman exuded such holiness that he couldn’t help thinking she was one. She wore a sparkling platinum robe and had shimmering golden hair that nearly touched the floor. She looked human at first glance, but on closer inspection, she was clearly something more. “Um…I…” “Welcome. Please come this way.” He approached a simple steel-frame folding chair to which she was gesturing. It didn’t really look like the sort of thing that belonged in a heavenly castle. “Sit.” “Uh, sure…” The chair creaked as he sat down. The goddess, for her part, took a seat at a desk directly in front of him. It was a big, heavy thing that looked like it was probably made out of mahogany. Clearly classy décor. He felt like a part-timer sitting in front of the president of the company. Facing the goddess, Kaito was struck by a wave of déjà vu. This felt an awful lot like…a job interview. It was the one strange hint of reality in an otherwise fantastical moment. “Um…” “Kaito, you died in a traffic accident. Do you remember?” “Huh…?” Died? Kaito looked around again, his eyes darting back and forth. Yep: This was definitely the main hall of a bright-white sky-castle. Not the sort of place you’d expect to encounter in the normal course of your life. “Um, is this all a…dream…?” “No. You’re dead.” Dead… Seriously? I don’t feel dead… The deity ignored Kaito’s confusion, pulling out a bulging file folder. “You have orders to go to another world as a hero and save that realm.” “Come again?” “Let’s get started on the paperwork.” “Hang on a second!” I haven’t even processed being dead, but she’s getting right down to business?! The goddess began paging through the file as if she hadn’t heard him. “Excuse me… What’s this about going to another world as a hero?” What is this, a video game? As baffled as he was, though, he couldn’t hide a hint of excitement. This was a dream. It had to be. So why not enjoy it? “Currently, you can choose one of three different types of hero. Each comes with all the starting equipment and items required.” “Oh—oh really…” The goddess, who up to now had spoken indifferently, stood up and announced, “Your first choice is the Holy Rose Knight, the garlanded guardian! You shall fight the monster army of an evil witch, defend the people—and the princess—of the country of the roses, and save the world!” The goddess looked down at an index card in her hand. “Your starting equipment will be the ‘Holy Rose Knight Set’ (Rose Sword, Rose Shield, Rose Armor, some healing potions, et cetera).” “Ooh, a warrior type, huh? That’s cool. Sword fighting is always so dramatic!” He could just picture himself displaying his phenomenal sword work as he toppled foe after foe. Exciting! “Your second choice is the hero of thunder, born of the storm: the Lightning Wizard! The dark mages have returned from a realm most ancient, and you must save a world threatened by evil and terrible magicks! Comes with the ‘Thunder Hero Set’ (Thunder Staff, robe ensemble, et cetera).” “Getting to use magic could be fun. Rattling off complex incantations, unleashing incredible magical assaults… Sure sounds pretty good…” He could almost see himself tossing his long robe back dramatically before summoning a massive bolt of lightning to bring down his enemies. Kaito was practically quivering with anticipation. “Your third and final choice is the High-Calorie Hero! You shall save the all-too-herbivorous elves by bringing them delicious pizza! Starting equipment is the ‘High-Calorie Set’ (apron, flour, organic yeast, cheese, et cetera).” “Huh? Save the world with pizza? ‘High-Calorie’ what? What kind of stupid hero is that?” Kaito was dumbstruck. “…I think one of these things is not like the others. Just what is a High-Calorie Hero?” “Now then, which shall you become? Come—choose!” “Are you ignoring me?” “Now, then! Now, then! Now, then!” She seemed eager to get the paperwork out of the way. She leaned forward, exhorting Kaito to make his selection. Somehow, it didn’t seem so much like a dream anymore. “Okay, I get it! All right already!” This “High-Calorie Hero” was out of the question, so it was just a matter of whether he preferred the first choice or the second. Did he want to slice up monsters with his sword or blow them to pieces with his magic? Hmm, decisions, decisions… I always got stuck choosing my character class in video games. Fighters are pretty standard and pretty cool, but it’s always fun wielding powerful magic. “Hurry up and choose. Pressure’s on, kid. Come on. I wanna go home.” Her tone of voice had changed as she started losing her patience. It was a little scary. “Oh, uh, okay. Just please hold on for one second…” Who could possibly make a snap decision when told they were going to be reincarnated as a hero? His next life hung in the balance. Such a pushy goddess. He wished she’d stop drumming her fingers on the desk in annoyance. Not to mention, her pointed sighing was distracting. At that moment, a telephone-like object on the desk rang. What was a telephone doing there? The goddess grabbed the receiver. “Yeah, uh-huh, that’s right. This guy’s still dithering. Huh? Wha—? Really? Okay, I’ll tell him.” She hung up, then rose from her chair. “While you were sitting here like an idiot, other people took choices one and two.” “Huh?” “So by default, you get hero number three.” “Huh…?! Number three? You mean that weird pizza guy?!” No! No way! Kaito tried to protest, but a little jute bag was already being tossed at him. “There are your items. One High-Calorie Set, as promised. You and only you can take it out of there anytime you like.” “Huh? Huh? Huh?! Wait just a darn second! You can’t force me to—” This was his second life they were talking about! There had to be more to the process than this! But the goddess said coldly, “Go forth! Save the world! O High-Calorie Hero!!” “That’s the stupidest nickname I’ve ever heard!” Kaito said, but the scene in front of his eyes was already fading. Soon, he was swallowed by darkness.