What face am I making? All I did was look at him, thinking, “Do we really have to?” Maybe if I had made puppy dog eyes or looked at him tearfully I would’ve had a different reaction. I hate looking unfriendly.
But just then, Yashiro-kun suddenly stood up. “I’ll work the shifts with Torano-san.”
“Um... And you are?”
“I’m also a first-year. Yashiro. I’m in Torano-san’s class, and I wanted to spend my lunch breaks at the library too. If we work in pairs, we won’t have to worry about someone else covering us in case of an absence, right?”
“Hmm, I guess that’s fine.” The older committee member seemed convinced. So it was decided that Yashiro-kun and I would take the lunch shifts, while the other members split up the after school shifts. They were pleased that they had more free time than they thought they would, thanks to us.
Once the meeting was over, Yashiro-kun came up to me in the hallway.
“Sorry, should I not have done that?”
I didn’t say anything out loud. But I thought, No, it’s okay. Thanks to you, I can spend my lunch breaks in the library. My mind was filled with gratitude for him, but I just couldn’t express it in words. He stared at me, waiting for me to respond. But I couldn’t.
And he kept staring.
“...It’s fine.” After I finally was able to speak, the only thing that came out were those two cold words. What in the world was I doing? That wasn’t what I’d meant to say to him.
And yet he gave me a soft smile when I answered him. “Cool,” was all he said. A short response for a short answer. And I was just a teeny bit happy that maybe, just maybe, I’d been able to express my feelings to him.
Starting that day, Yashiro-kun and I spent our lunch breaks at the library together. We had a little bit of work to do here and there, but mostly I just sat at the circulation desk relaxing with a book. Yashiro-kun would read too. Most of the time we were completely alone in the library, but I wasn’t really sure what to talk about, so generally he was the one who’d start up conversations.
“We had three returns today, huh?” or “Can you turn on the AC?” or “I’ll return the keys, so you can go on ahead back to the classroom.”
He was always kind and considerate towards me. So much so that I felt bad for never being able to respond to him.
About two weeks into the school year, Yashiro-kun stopped talking to me as much. It wasn’t that we didn’t get along or anything. In fact, it was the opposite—Yashiro-kun had begun to sense what I wanted, so he didn’t need to talk as much anymore. We’d walk into the library, turn on the AC and the computers, and sit down at the circulation desk like clockwork. If there was a doubles team for committee jobs at our school, we’d win first place. Although we’d probably also be the only ones who qualified.
Lately, I could count the conversations we’d had on one hand, and they’d mostly all been started by Yashiro-kun. I liked the quiet between us, but I wasn’t sure what Yashiro-kun thought about it. After all, I was the one who wanted to spend my lunch breaks cooped up in the library, and it almost felt like I’d forced him to come with me. I wondered if he thought I was a pain?
I was surprised that such a thought went through my head. That’s weird. I thought I liked it being quiet? I still had a hard time talking to other people, and I still didn’t know what to say in response to others. But I realized I wanted Yashiro-kun to talk to me.
And since he wasn’t talking to me as much as before, I found myself missing the warmth that his words carried, the warmth that he conveyed with the gentleness of his words and his expressions. And since I was missing that, I found myself often wondering what he was thinking.
So that was why I made the very unusual move of talking to him first that day.
“Why?”
“What? ...What?!” Yashiro-kun looked startled that I’d spoken to him. Apparently it was possible to do a verbal double take.
“What?”
“Oh, I just wasn’t expecting you to talk to me, that’s all,” he answered, seeming flustered. I couldn’t blame him.
Disheartened, I went back to reading my book, but then he spoke up again. “Sorry, sorry. Anyway, what’d you want to ask me?”
“I was just wondering why you went along with this, when I was so demanding.” I somehow managed to force the words out, but he gave me a blank stare.
“Huh? Oh, you mean taking the lunch shifts?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh...” He crossed his arms and thought about it. Did I ask him something weird? I mean, I guess I was talking about something that happened two weeks ago. I wished I could take it back, but once again I just couldn’t say anything out loud. And so the silence continued.
I wasn’t sure what to do. Finally he looked at me and smiled. “I’m surprised, Torano-san. I hadn’t pegged you as a worrier.”
He was right. My cheeks felt so warm I didn’t think I could hide it by acting unfriendly anymore.
“If I tell you, will you promise not to get freaked out?”
I didn’t say anything, and I wasn’t sure whether he took my silence for a yes or a no.
“Sorry. It’s because you intrigued me.” He held up both hands as if he were contemplating something.
“What?” I finally asked after a long pause. He was intrigued? By me? My mind went completely blank.
Then he said, “The way your hand shot up and you sat there with your head held high, telling us what you wanted without caring what anyone else thought was just really beautiful to me. I thought maybe if I volunteered to share the shifts with you, I’d get the chance to look at you even more.”
I didn’t know what to say. But internally I was screaming Whaaaaaaaaat?! I really hoped that wasn’t showing on my face.
During the meeting I’d just given up and went for it. But now he told me he thought I was beautiful, that he volunteered to share shifts because he wanted to look at me more, and at the same time I was relieved that I hadn’t actually roped him in by being selfish... So many thoughts were going through my mind all at once.
Yashiro-kun continued, probably completely oblivious to my inner chaos. “Sometimes I’ll glance over at you while we read. When I see you sitting there reading, not caring about what’s going on around you... I don’t know, it just makes me happy. I can’t explain it. It’s this strange feeling like...I just belong in your space.”