Then, out of nowhere, an old memory floated up to the surface of my mind. It was of that field trip in fifth grade, the one Akari and I had reminisced about after breaking into the school the other night. A memory of Akari falling face-first into the mud and me intentionally falling in right after her. At the time, my thought process was that when you find yourself neck-deep in the mud, stuck in a crappy situation you can’t break free from, your real friends are the ones who will dive right in and muddy themselves in solidarity to help you out of it. What about now? Was I really willing to bear this mud, this stain on my conscience, and share it with her for the rest of my life?
“…All right,” I whispered with a tiny sigh, nodding to myself. I’d come to my decision. “We’ll hold off on saving Akito, then.”
The moment I said these words, Akari let go of my arm and wobbled as though feeling faint. I grabbed her by the shoulders and supported her back, afraid that she might pass out.
“You all right?” I asked.
“Sorry… I guess I’m just…feeling a little dizzy…” she said. Her pallor didn’t look good; she looked so exhausted that she might fall to her knees at any moment.
“…Let’s get you home.”
We walked right back the way we came, away from the bar where Akito was drinking. Neither of us said a word. I think we both needed some time to process the gravity of the decision we’d just made together. We walked in silence the whole way home, while I supported her back.
We made it back to Akari’s apartment after what felt like forever. She unlocked the door, and we both stepped inside. She didn’t seem to have the strength even to walk on her own. Right as I thought about finding a place to lay her down, she pointed weakly to a room on the left side of the hallway. Per her instructions, I opened the door and helped her inside. I flicked the light switch on, and the room flashed to life. It was a fairly cramped space—only about eight square meters, give or take—but there was a faintly sweet fragrance hanging in the air.
I assumed this must be Akari’s bedroom (I’d never actually been inside it before). Across from the door was a bed in a simple wooden frame, and when I glanced to my right, I saw her Sodeshima High uniform hanging on the wall. I took a quick look around the room to see a bookshelf filled mostly with manga volumes, a plastic chest of drawers, and an old, weathered writing desk piled high with schoolwork and textbooks. Each book had zillions of colorful adhesive page markers sticking out from cover to cover.
“Please don’t judge me… I know it’s a mess…” Akari whined.
“O-oh, no! Sorry, I wasn’t trying to be rude,” I apologized.
I quit looking around and helped her totter over to the bed to lie down flat, then pulled the comforter up all the way to her neck and tucked her in.
“You should try to get some rest for tonight,” I told her. “We can talk more tomorrow.”
“Okay…” she nodded weakly.
I figured it’d be a good idea to stick around, at least until she fell asleep. I turned off the lights, turned on the nightlight, and sat on the floor with my back against the side of her bed. Akari reached a hand out from under the covers and tapped my shoulder, so I turned around.
“Could you…hold my hand?” she asked timidly, reaching it down to me. I was caught off guard by this at first but was happy to oblige.
“Sure, no problem.”
I turned around so that I faced the bed and interlocked her fingers with mine. Akari squeezed tight. Her hand was smaller than my own, and every bit as soft, warm, and delicate as it had been when we were kids. So delicate, I was afraid to squeeze too hard in case I crushed it.
We remained there like that, her hand in mine, as the early hours of the night passed quietly beneath our feet. Looking at Akari with her eyes closed made me feel pretty sleepy myself. Still holding tight, I pressed my forehead up against the corner of her bedframe and closed my eyes. The floor was a little too cold for comfort, but I’d probably fall asleep like this eventually… Wait. I remembered that I was supposed to call my grandmother back as soon as I figured out what time I expected to be home.
“Hang on, Akari. I’ve gotta go make a quick phone call,” I said, standing up and letting go of her hand.
“Wh-who do you need to call?” she asked tentatively. She sat upright in her bed.
“Just my grandma. Don’t worry.”
“O-oh, all right… But come right back, okay?”
“Will do.”
I stepped out of the bedroom and pulled out my phone. It was already eleven o’clock. I called home at once, fully expecting my grandmother to be pissed. Lo and behold, she was. As soon as I identified myself, she began a magnificent rant about how irresponsible I was and how worried I’d made her. She wasn’t letting me get a word in edgewise, and I didn’t see her stopping anytime soon, so I blurted out that I was planning to stay the night at a friend’s house and hung up the phone. A moment later, I realized what I’d done. The implications hit me so hard that I lost my balance and hit my back against the wall.
Of course.
I felt the biggest lingering question, the one that remained frozen in my mind this entire time, begin to melt away, draining from my every pore like thawing snow. I’d just self-fulfilled my own prophecy. This was the friend’s house I’d stayed at on April 1st, and in a few hours, Akito was going to die all over again. Then tomorrow, I’d find the body and call it in. I understood now why Akari refused to tell me what happened on the night of April 1st. She couldn’t tell me that she and I had willfully allowed Akito to die, not while I was still determined to save his life. The past and future connected anew. Everything had played out exactly as destiny had ordained. In the end, I was powerless to change Akito’s fate.
No. I deliberately chose not to.
Without warning, the door to Akari’s bedroom creaked open the tiniest bit. I looked over and saw her peeking through the crack, where we made eye contact.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Just, you were taking a while… I got a little worried,” she muttered.
“Oh, my bad. Yeah, I just got off the phone. Told her I’d be staying here tonight.”
“Wait, you’re spending the night? …Right, okay. That makes sense. Duh.”
She said it as though it took her a moment to digest the idea, but I couldn’t check her expression while the lights were still off. I walked back into the room, and we both returned to our previous seating and sleeping positions. My nose chose that exact moment to start to itch, and I let out a sneeze. I rubbed my nose.
“Are you cold?” Akari asked.
“Just a little. Mind if I turn the heater on?”
“I mean, you could…but I’ve got a better idea,” she declared, then scootched herself over to the far end of the mattress to make some space up on the bed. “Why don’t you just come up here…? Plenty of room under the covers.”
“Huh?! Wait, but that’s… I mean, d-do you really think that’s a good idea?”
“Sure, why not? I trust you. Now, c’mon,” she insisted, patting the empty space on the sheets a few times as an invitation to join her. I didn’t want her to take my hesitance the wrong way, so I nodded and crept under the covers beside her…but as soon as I felt her lingering body heat in the sheets beneath me, my heart rate shot through the roof.
“Aren’t you still hanging over the edge a little bit?” she asked. “Here, come closer.”
“O-okay,” I said. I wriggled my body toward the middle of the bed as instructed. Now Akari’s face was mere inches from my own, and close enough for me to make out each individual eyelash. Her big, dark irises were staring directly into mine.
“Hey, Kanae-kun? Can I tell you something?”
“Yeah? What is it?”
“I don’t wanna sound weird, but…I’ve been thinking a lot about trying to get into the same college as you and moving to Tokyo after I graduate. I’ve been working really, really hard for it too… You have no idea how much I’ve missed you these past couple of years.”
“…Wait. Is that what you were saving up all that money for?”
“Mm-hmm…” she nodded bashfully.
“Gotcha… Well, I’m sorry if I made you feel like that was the only way. If I’d known that’s how you felt, I would’ve totally stayed back here with you.”
“No, no! Sorry, that wasn’t supposed to sound like a guilt trip. Besides, everything’s gonna be okay now,” she assured me, smiling softly from the other side of the pillow. “Let’s just keep this whole thing our little secret and forget all about it, okay?”
Then she brought her right hand up between our faces and lifted her pinky finger.
“Promise me?” she asked.
“…Yeah. I promise.”
I interlocked my pinky with hers. When we finally let go, she let out a cute little satisfied chuckle, followed by a long purr of contentment.
“Kanae-kun…”
“What’s up?”
“Nothing, just… Thanks,” she said, closing her eyes. When she reopened them, a single pearly teardrop rolled out down her temple. “Now don’t ever leave me like that again, you hear me?”
Then she nuzzled in close, about as close as any two people could ever get, and pressed her forehead into my chest. When I looked down and saw her head there, tucked below my chin, I was struck by a strangely irresistible urge to run my fingers through her hair. So I did. I ran them up the back of her scalp, then back down again, over and over in a slow and methodical motion.
“Mmmnn…” she moaned, a little hesitant at first, but it wasn’t long before she relaxed and let herself enjoy the massage-like sensation. I kept tracing my fingers up and down in gentle lines, as if to memorize the contours of her skull. Slowly but surely, Akari drifted off into a deep and restful sleep. Moments later, I stopped stroking her hair and closed my eyes as well. I just wanted to bask in this beautiful, perfect moment and forget the world.
But somehow, sleep eluded me.
Somewhere deep in my heart, I could hear a voice crying out.
Another me—another facet of myself—was making a desperate appeal to my conscience:
So you’re really okay with this, huh?