INTERLUDE V
FOR THE FIRST FEW MONTHS of my high school career, I floated through life apathetically, without any real sense of direction. At the insistence of my teachers and upperclassmen, I did join the swim team, but I was basically running on fumes at that point, and I didn’t achieve any standout records like I had in junior high. I had a hard time being mentally present during class too, so I’d often get scolded by my teachers for spacing out. Without Kanae there to greet me in the morning, going to school was empty and meaningless. There was a gaping hole in my heart, through which I could feel his absence each and every day, like an icy wind. If I could only see him again…or even just hear his voice over the phone, or get a text from him, then maybe… Well, it wouldn’t fill the void, but maybe it would at least calm that wind for a while. Too bad. He never got in contact with me.
At first, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, assuming he probably just needed some time to adjust to his new environment. Then one month became two, and still I hadn’t heard a word from him, so of course I started to get worried. There were multiple times when I told myself I should reach out to him myself, but I could never bring myself to hit that call button or send that text message.
“We’re just friends. Don’t get the wrong idea.”
I couldn’t get Kanae’s words from that fateful day in junior high out of my head. I knew he was trying to get that other girl to lay off me, but his words still coiled their way around my heart like a serpent that refused to let go. Every time I thought about trying to get in contact with Kanae, that one little remark would rear its ugly head, bare its fangs, and bite down. Its paralyzing venom would course throughout my entire body, rendering me unable to do a thing. So I never did. Instead I staggered through day after day of monotony, constantly teetering back and forth between anxiety and resignation. The only way I could even tell that time was still passing was by the ever-increasing number of drafts in my unsent messages folder.
Then one night, in the summer of my freshman year, my life reached a turning point. For whatever reason, I felt compelled to go out for a run that evening. Maybe I hoped it would distract my brain from the feelings of emptiness and isolation, or maybe it was just that I had an overabundance of energy I needed to expel since we didn’t have practice that day. There were any number of possible explanations. All I knew was that I felt a burning desire to go out and run, and so I did. About an hour in, I’d run half the circumference of the island, leaving my whole body drenched in sweat. I needed a break to catch my breath, so I sat down on the seawall and let the cool night breeze blowing in from the open ocean bring my body temperature back down. Across the sea, I could see the dazzling lights of the mainland glowing like fireflies, and a sudden impulse struck me.
That’s where I need to be. Over there.
It felt like a flame had been ignited inside my chest. My body was burning up all over again, and I couldn’t bear to sit still a moment longer. I sprinted as fast as I could all the way back home, and as soon as I got there, I started looking up information on moving to Tokyo.
After school the next day, I asked my homeroom teacher point-blank:
“What do I need to do to get into the U of I?”
It felt like my only remaining option at this point. Since Kanae was already going to the university’s official feeder school, his college choice was pretty much set in stone. And if I could graduate with high enough marks to get accepted to the same university, he and I could be together again at last. Hence why I was asking my teacher about it, even though I knew I was vastly underestimating how hard that would be. I couldn’t fight this new urge inside me, and I didn’t want to fight it, either. I knew if I didn’t start making moves right now, there was a very good chance I’d never see Kanae ever again.
“I’ll be honest…you may want to lower your sights a little bit, based on your current grades. And even if you did manage to test in, that’s still a very expensive school, you know. Have you talked with your mother about this at all?” my teacher asked. The response was about as unfavorable as I’d anticipated, but I refused to give in.
“No, but I will,” I declared.
“Listen, I know this really isn’t any of my business, but…I don’t think you fully grasp the financial burden you’d be placing on her. Your mother’s a very hard worker, but I just don’t think a private school like that is in the cards for you. If you really have the drive to study hard and want to get into a good college, there are plenty of reputable public universities that are a lot closer.”
“Sorry, but my mind’s made up. I want to go to the U of I,” I asserted firmly.
“…Okay,” my teacher said after a moment’s hesitation, not without sympathy. “If you’re that dead set on this, then I’ll try to help you out. Though all I can really offer is advice.”
I was then given the basic rundown on what I had to do in order to make my college dreams a reality. I paid close attention to every word, and by the end, I had a pretty good idea of what my action plan needed to include. It was pretty simple, actually. Everything boiled down to three things: my academics, my extracurriculars, and my personal finances.
The academics part went without saying. If I couldn’t actually get accepted, then the rest would all be in vain. My teacher told me that I should also aim to earn some major accolades during my high school swimming career, because universities took things like that into consideration as well. Such achievements might even help me earn financial aid of some sort. Still, even if I miraculously scored a full-ride scholarship to cover my tuition costs, that wouldn’t cover my moving costs nor my everyday living expenses, so I determined that I’d need to start working part-time as soon as I could.
It would be a long and arduous road, to be sure, but now that I at least knew what I needed to do to get there, I was starting to feel a lot more optimistic. I thanked my teacher for the advice and walked out of the classroom. If I managed to outswim the heck out of everyone else on the team, then it would be a piece of cake for me to get an athletic endorsement, and maybe even a scholarship. Thank goodness I’d stuck with one sport for so long. True, I’d been sort of slacking off on it ever since I got to Sodeshima High, but from this point on, I’d need to give it my all.
When I got home after practice that day, I found my brother watching TV on the living room couch with his feet up on the table. I knew Mom had asked him to stop doing that. I chose not to engage and simply walked right past him toward the bathroom. Then he called out to me, stopping me dead in my tracks.
“Hey. Go buy me a soda real quick,” he ordered.
His voice was monotone; he didn’t even make eye contact with me. Mind you, my brother had always bossed me around, even back when we were little, but he’d only grown more and more demanding since his shoulder injury. It used to be relatively small things like “fetch me the remote” or “go run some bathwater for me,” but lately he’d begun to treat me like I was his personal maid, telling me to “go get dinner ready,” or iron his laundry, and stuff like that.
To be clear, I definitely sympathized with what he must have been going through after having to quit baseball. But I also deeply resented him for what a loathsome person he’d become. Basically all he’d done since graduating from high school was sit around on the couch and watch TV all day, or go out and do who knows what with his deadbeat friends, only coming home when he felt like it. He showed no interest in getting a job or going to college and yet had the gall to turn around and ask our mom for cash at every opportunity. As far as I was concerned, he didn’t have a respectable molecule, let alone bone, in his body.
“Hey. You deaf or somethin’?” he barked, glaring at me impatiently.
Usually, this was the point where I would back down and begrudgingly do as he said, but that wasn’t going to fly from now on. Not when I needed to study as much as I possibly could at home to make my dream of moving to Tokyo a reality. If I kept doing every little menial task my brother demanded of me, I’d be wasting tons of valuable time. It was time to lay down the law, I decided, so I tried to tell him no in a way that wouldn’t set him off.
“Sorry, no can do. I’ve got a lot of homework I need to do tonight,” I explained.
His eyes shot wide open. Then he grabbed the remote control on the coffee table and threw it right at my head without any hesitation. I shrieked as it crashed against the wall mere inches from my face, sending the battery cover flying through the air.
“Do as I said, you little brat. Don’t think you’re hot stuff just ’cause you’re the fastest doggy paddler in the kiddie pool,” he spat, then grabbed his drinking glass and threatened to throw that as well. I whipped both hands over my head as a defensive reflex.
“A-all right, jeez… I’ll go buy your stupid soda…” I said, practically running back through the living room. Without even a chance to change out of my school uniform, I scuttled out of the apartment. My entire body was shaking. I never would have expected him to actually start throwing things at me for refusing to be his errand girl. He’d never done anything like that to me before; the brother I’d come to loathe was beginning to actively terrify me. I made my slow way down the steps toward the nearest vending machine as tears of dread and despair welled up in the corners of my eyes.