After a time, Shikama rose to his feet, and before I knew it, he’d launched into an impassioned address right there on the tatami.
“My brothers!” he bellowed. “A most troubling thing occurred the other day at Mototanaka.
“Our peaceful corner shop was invaded in broad daylight. The shelves have been packed with Christmas cakes, and it is the poor, diligent student who now must suffer. He lives his life chaste and true, only to be taunted by the sight of those cakes, reminded daily of the fact that he has no reason to buy one, as there’s no special someone in his life with whom to spend an intimate holiday.
“Are we to allow this tyranny to go unaddressed? No! I say to you today, we will no longer stand by and allow the demon of Christmas to rampage through our fair city!
“We have been more than generous. We look past the absurdity of this foreign holiday’s observance in our nation. If dreams of sugarplums and visits from an enigmatic, white-bearded coot of Celtic legend are to be pushed upon our children, so be it. It is distasteful, but so are all forms of worldly greed.
“But we can no longer abide the season’s evil syncretism and systematic glorification of romance. Do the proponents of Christmas not perceive the subtle violence of their ways? Their sonorous rejoicing deepens the harsh cold of the Kyoto winter. They champion a shameless, pointless uproar that only sows seeds of meaningless anguish among countless members of our populace.
“Our brethren have endured too long in silence. No longer will they live under a banner of Russian fatalism against the steady advance of Christmas fascism. No longer shall they spend their winter days shackled, unable to walk the streets of Kyoto in comfort until the birth of Christ has passed. It is time for the people of Japan to step back and reclaim a sense of modesty.
“Let them hear our cries! We owe them no debt! No favors! Their anthems to faux happiness are an offense to our ears. We needn’t huddle gloomily around the hot pot any longer, barricaded inside, consumed by bitter and illogical feelings of inferiority and alienation. We needn’t drown in agony and embarrassment for not living a ‘normal’ student life or for lacking a girlfriend with whom to spend Christmas each year.
“The proponents of Christmas flaunt pictures of the cuddling couples of this world and claim we, too, will find happiness if we just follow their lead. They preach that it is a student’s duty to pair with a member of the opposite sex for the season.
“Cover your ears! Demand their silence! A student’s only duty is to the pursuit of knowledge. If he has time enough for infatuation, that’s time he should be devoting to scholarly pursuits. He should buckle down and study, god dammit!”
Shikama paused for a moment, panting heavily.
“My apologies,” he said once he’d caught his breath. “I got a little carried away.
“Anyway. Every day, we are surrounded by the deafening chorus of Christmas. It makes presumptuous, outrageous offers to show us the way to true happiness. We never asked for such lessons, and we do not need them. I cry out: My happiness is mine alone! But my voice—nay, our voices are drowned out by the deafening chant.
“That is the offense we shall no longer tolerate. If our adversaries are so hell-bent on ruffling our tranquility, then we shall strike back in kind. It’s clear enough that our society thinks Christmas Eve a very precious time. I know not why they hold it so dear nor why Christmas Day is of so little import in comparison. In my mind, if the eve of a holiday is fit for observance, then they should be celebrating Christmas Eve Eve as well. It’s absurd! Illogical!
“But the fact remains that Christmas Eve is their treasure. It is the peak of the season’s frenzy, when young couples dash across the archipelago in search of festive light displays, strangle countless innocent birds to sate their voracious appetites, fill all vacancies at the love hotels, and expend exorbitant amounts of energy on useless fantasies that propel our world that much faster toward ecological collapse. It is a nightmare of a day, and it is our ideal opportunity to act.
“This year, we’ll make a mess of their special moment. We’ll force their eyes open to the fatuity of their beliefs and shake them to their core. This Christmas Eve, there will be chaos, and Shijo Kawaramachi will be its epicenter. We four will return Kyoto to its tumultuous days of yore! The whole city will once again feel the unbridled fury of the Eejanaika Uprising!”
The rest of us burst into applause. We cheered for our fearless leader. And in the back of our minds, we all wondered, What on earth is the Eejanaika Uprising?