IF you work every day, there are sometimes days when you’re extremely tired or when bad things happen one after another. For Haruka’s parents, that day just happened to be one of those days, which coincidentally made it an awful night to try having a once-in-a-lifetime conversation. That was all. Still, these sorts of things can leave irrevocable marks on children.
From that day on, Haruka stopped getting angry or crying. He became convinced that his thoughts and emotions had a negative impact on others. He never disobeyed his elders and became an even more well-behaved child who did everything on his own.
No one noticed his troubles. Even he thought them trivial. And before he knew it, he had stopped thinking back to the incident that had changed the trajectory of his life. Haruka unconsciously pushed this experience, which always made his heart ache when he remembered it anyway, out of his memory.
He never went through a rebellious phase, instead continuing on the path of being an honor student even after entering high school. He learned how to excel at reading people’s moods, and didn’t delve deeply into touchy subjects. His classmates saw him as mature, so he had a decent reputation.
But then Haruka too experienced the flowering of youth. A lively, popular girl in his class confessed her feelings to him, and he had no idea what to do in response to someone’s obvious display of affection. All he’d been doing so far had been trying hard not to be disliked, while avoiding feelings of love or hate himself. In other words, he didn’t even know if he liked her or not.
I don’t dislike her. I don’t want to hurt her.
So, Haruka ended up going out with her.
She was cheerful and energetic, and he enjoyed spending time with her. He was happy to be needed, smiled more than usual, and thought that spending every day like this was wonderful. Their time together was the most peaceful and the happiest of Haruka’s life.
However, after six months, that joyous life came to an abrupt end.
“It’s boring being with you.”
“I can never tell what you’re thinking.”
“You never make any plans, Haruka.”
“You don’t even really like me, do you?”
That’s not true! He treasured her and enjoyed spending time with her. Regardless of how their relationship had started, he genuinely liked her now.
He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out.
She was crying, and angry, and Haruka had done this. Her pain was his fault. If not for him, her thoughts wouldn’t have spiraled to such a bleak place.
And if they stayed together, he was sure he’d hurt her again someday. He didn’t know what he had done wrong, but he also knew from experience that no one would give him an answer at a time like this. So he gave up. And he hoped that one day she would forget about him and be happy.
In the end, their happy days fizzled out without Haruka being able to say a single word.
After that, Haruka smiled even less than before. He didn’t joke around, and he stayed away from places where he knew other people were having fun. If, by chance, someone liked him again, he didn’t want to hurt them. As long as he held back, no one would get hurt.
If he’d been thinking rationally, when he’d seen that girl crying and upset, he would have realized it was just a misunderstanding. He might have been able to raise his voice and actually say the words, “That’s not true!” But Haruka was afraid to contradict what someone else said. He didn’t want to be the bad guy. And so, he messed up his life yet again.
As a college student, Haruka fell more and more in love with video games and stories. In fantasy, the path was always clear and no one would get hurt, even if he enjoyed himself.
Sometimes he felt lonely, but not so much that it was painful. Eventually, Haruka came to believe that he was someone who had always preferred solitude. Little by little, he forgot what had made him this way—his past hurts and fears. You could say time healed his heart. Or you could say that his wounds closed around where thorns were still lodged.
✦ ✦ ✦
IT happened around the time he started working as a full-fledged adult. His parents went on a trip to celebrate their wedding anniversary and never returned. They had been involved in a pileup on the highway. He heard that the bodies were in such a terrible state they were unfit to be shown to the bereaved families.
The funeral ended before he knew what was going on. When everyone had left and he was alone in his room, Haruka cried for the first time in a long while. Had he sufficiently repaid his parents for their kindness? No one could answer that question.
For the next twenty years or so, he spent his days just working, and his time at home consuming games, manga, and novels.
He wanted to do the right thing.
He hated having to compromise himself.
He hated hurting people.
He hated making them sad.
But not knowing how to live up to his own expectations, all he could do was avoid everything as much as possible.
Haruka was just trying to be a good person. Even if he was bad at expressing his emotions with his naturally impassive face, as long as his efforts resulted in something positive, fewer people would have to suffer. He didn’t care about his reputation. He had long since given up on dreams of wanting to be anything.
Even if he felt that the world was wrong, he thought all he needed to do was support those around him so that they wouldn’t end up hurt. Even if he drew the short straw in life, it was fine as long as other people weren’t sad. He had always forced himself to live like this.
✦ ✦ ✦
THAT was the kind of person Haruka Yamagishi was.
But when he crossed through worlds and his body changed, he felt strangely refreshed. No one knew him. The common sense he’d built up in his old life no longer applied here, which made it difficult for him to assume he knew what anyone else was thinking.
And another thing—it was unclear whether he was even really himself. So when everything reset, the wounded heart of the boy sleeping deep inside him slowly began to awaken, and heal.
In this life, Haruka Yamagishi also had an impassive face. And in this life too, Haruka was timid, kind-hearted, and a good person. So far, this Haruka’s personality wasn’t too different from the other Haruka’s. But little by little, Haruka’s heart was starting to change. As if she was someone else.