Karen let out a high-pitched squeal of scandalized glee, then scooted closer. “Well, if you like her so much, how come you’re not together?”
“Well, she’s got her own stuff she needs to focus on right now.”
“You still want to be with her though, right? Isn’t it lonely being here without her?”
“I mean…yeah, it definitely is. But see…”
Karen stared at me with rapt attention, awaiting my reply. I couldn’t bring myself to shrug her off or lie about this.
“…The truth is, I… I don’t feel like I should be permitted to really, genuinely love somebody like that.”
Only after the words had left my lips did I realize that this was probably the first time I’d ever uttered the word “love” about a specific person, in a romantic context, and meant it. Now that I had, I couldn’t help but smile sheepishly to dampen how embarrassing it was to admit. I still meant what I said, though. At the end of the day, it was my negligence that had killed Karen. Moreover, I was the one who had caused the original rift between my mother and father, which had led her to leave us and him to hit rock bottom. I would have to be a pretty disgusting, selfish human being to ignore all the pain and suffering I’d caused to go prancing off into the sunset for my own happily ever after.
“Granted, I know that sounds dumb,” I continued. “I mean, it’s not like anyone’s forcing me to bear that cross. It’s self-inflicted suffering at this point. Guess it’s the one thing I can’t seem to get past, for whatever reason… But I dunno. Maybe this is all a little too grown-up for you to understand.”
“Nuh-uh!” Karen pouted, scrunching her face. “I totally understand! Being permitted is like…when you have to get your parents to sign a piece of paper to go on a field trip, right?”
“Ha ha. Well, that too, yeah.”
“Do you really need a permit to love someone, though?”
“Oh, no, I wouldn’t say that. I think everyone’s born with that right. But I also think it’s possible to lose it, under certain circumstances… I dunno. It’s kinda hard to explain…”
“Hrmm… Well, in that case, I’ll have to give you a new one!”
Karen shot up and dashed into the hall. I heard her speedy footsteps thump-thump-thumping up the stairs. Less than a minute later, she barreled onto the veranda with a set of markers and some white printer paper in her hands.
“What’s that for?” I asked.
“Heh heh heh… Watch this! …Actually, no! You can’t look yet! Turn the other way!”
Sheesh, make up your mind, you crazy kid.
I did as I was told nonetheless. All I could hear was the sound of her markers squeaking loudly against the paper, only pausing occasionally when she stopped and pondered aloud how to write a certain character or realized she’d made a mistake. By the time I finished what remained of my half-eaten slice of watermelon, she informed me that I was finally allowed to look. When I turned, I saw Karen in a formal seating position, facing me with her hands on her knees and her butt on her heels.
“Okay! Allow me to present your replacement permit!” she began, then held the sheet of paper in front of her face as she proceeded to read off what she’d written. “Ahem. Big Br—I mean, Kaoru Tono, in honor of how hard you worked coming all the way in here to find me, I hereby grant you the right to love again! If you want to, that is! Anyway, congrats!”
She held the sheet of paper toward me with both hands. I looked down to see the words “LOVE PERMIT” written in big bubble letters at the top, surrounded by all sorts of colorful little doodles: flowers, a little doggie, and so on. It was very cute. Yet I found myself unable to reach out and accept it from her.
“What’s the matter, Kaoru? Go on, take it.”
A warm sensation bubbled up from the pit of my stomach. Ever since the day we lost Karen, I’d been languishing. Distressed. Constantly tormented by the fact that I was still here, but she wasn’t. I desperately wanted to be punished for having been unable to save her, yet I couldn’t think of a single way in which I could ever properly atone. So I simply refused to allow myself even the slightest bit of happiness, hoping that might alleviate some small fraction of my guilt. I was prepared to live out the rest of my days this way, like a monk who’d sworn off worldly desires. Yet now, thanks to Karen, I… I…
Of course. It was all so clear to me now. There was no longer a shred of doubt in my mind. The Urashima Tunnel didn’t have the power to grant wishes.
All it could do was help you reclaim the things you’d lost.
That was the tunnel’s true power. Karen’s sandal, our old pet parakeet, the days when my mother and father and I all lived happily together—even Karen herself. And now my ability to love another human being. These were all things that I’d lost somewhere along the way, and which the tunnel had given me a chance to reclaim.
“Um, Kaoru? If you don’t want this, I’m gonna throw it out.”
“W-wait, no! I do want it. I really, really do…”
I frantically reached out and took the Love Permit with both hands. As I touched it, an exhilarating electric feeling ran through my fingertips, then coursed up my arms and through my entire body. It was just a thin sheet of printer paper, yet it held deep emotional value that went beyond appraisal. I sat there frozen in place for a while, soaking in the sensation of holding it in my hands. It felt like I was finally free, after all these years spent captive to my own self-loathing.
“…Thank you, Karen. I promise I’ll treasure it always.”
“Mm-hmm! Please do!”
“And, um… Sorry, I know I only just got here, but…” I smiled sheepishly, hoping once again that it might take the edge off the extremely embarrassing line I was about to say. “I feel like…I’m ready to try to love someone again.”
When I went up to my bedroom, I found that my backpack had already been set out for me, almost as if Karen had foreseen this turn of events. I slung it over my shoulder and headed to the kitchen. Opening the fridge door, I grabbed enough food for two and crammed it into the main pouch. I now knew approximately how long the tunnel was and thus how much food and water we would need. As long as neither of us suffered any injuries on the way out, we would be able to make it back without too much trouble. We were all set to go whenever. I slipped the Love Permit into a sheet protector to keep it from getting creased and slid that into my backpack as well before heading to the sitting room.
“Hey, Karen,” I called, and she turned from her seat on the veranda, still chewing a mouthful of watermelon. “Let’s leave this place. Together.”
I had to bring Karen with me to Kozaki. That was my original objective, even if the comfort of this illusory home had caused me to momentarily forget it. However, until both of us were out safely on the other end of the tunnel, I couldn’t call my mission complete.