Chapter 17: The Moment My World Fell Apart
I couldn’t take my eyes off the giant, beautiful bird, vivid red and blue flames rising from its wings.
“Don’t be afraid. Come, let us sing songs of love. Forget these people.” An alluring voice echoed inside my head, giving way to desire.
What is it that I desire? What is it that I crave? There’s something missing deep inside me, but what? What does my insatiable heart hunger for? Maybe the bird knows, maybe it can fill the hole in my heart. I took a step toward it, toward heaven.
Something welled up inside me, lodging against my throat. Go away. I felt a sweet, sweet urge to just let go, set myself free. It hurts. I wished to surrender myself to the bird, but my knightly pride wouldn’t allow it. Something was stopping me. The conflict brewing within me tormented both my mind and heart. All I wanted was to be free. Bern, I called, yet no words came out.
It was then that I saw him facing off against the bird all alone. I had always found his ice magic pretty. The bird’s a monster? I have to get up, get up and fight. But I couldn’t move, as if some force had taken over my body.
Bern. My voice couldn’t reach him. Bern!
He whistled at that same moment. A bunch of fancily dressed women poured from the stands, drawing swords against the magnificent bird. Why can they move? Why can only Bern and the cavalrywomen move? The answer would have to wait because I couldn’t form a single coherent thought with the bird’s song playing in my head.
As the surroundings started to blur, my eyes found his. He was apologizing, his gaze pained. He inexplicably wrapped his cloak around me, separating us from the rest of the world. Shrouded in darkness, his cold lips met mine. It was clumsy, awkward, childish; more a peck than a kiss. My vision brightened, a hot sensation rising in my chest.
I love you. Even if you can’t be mine, even if you can’t fill the hole in my heart, even if you don’t accept my love, I’ll never, ever stop loving you.
“I loved you too,” he whispered tearfully.
I was confused, not quite sure what to make of his words. You loved me? Is that why you’re apologizing? I had a million questions and couldn’t voice a single one because of whatever was stuck in my throat.
Bern reentered knight mode, asked me to enhance my sword with mercury. I obliged as best I could. Anything you desire, I provide.
“I leave the rest to you,” Bern said, turning from me as he advanced toward the bird. As I stared at it from behind his back, it no longer appeared like anything other than a disgusting, hideous monster.
Bern struck it down, then vanished. All that remained was a shard of blue amber that I’d coughed up. It was what had been blocking my throat, what the monster was trying to steal from me. I wanted nothing more than to throw it away; merely holding it filled me with pain and misery. Yet its dazzling glow proved too beautiful. My very own piece of Bernstein.
I stood, shouting orders to protect the kingdom Bern had fought for. And though we eliminated the monsters, we lost Bern in the process.
✦ ✦ ✦
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I hurled myself onto the couch, waiting for Felzen, one of the room’s occupants, to arrive. The other occupant wouldn’t be returning any time soon.
Should be here any minute. His questioning can’t possibly drag on much longer than mine.
The two had been roommates since prep school; of course the military would suspect Felzen of knowing the truth.
But I didn’t. We’ve known each other since we were kids, but she hid the truth from me. She…didn’t trust me. I slammed my fist on the table before me. Why? Because I’m a prince? Why would she hide her gender? Why would she lie to me all these years?
Their desks stood side by side, much to my eternal envy. Looking at the top bunk, I couldn’t help but think that she was coming back later that day. Why else would everything feel so…normal?
The door flung open. I lifted my head and met Felzen’s gaze. His hair was tousled, the raging fire in his eyes dying as he registered my presence. Gently he closed the door. “Oh… It’s you,” he muttered, sighing.
Furious, I rose from the sofa, stormed over to Felzen, and grabbed him by the collar. When I pinned him against the wall, I realized he was letting me, which only made me angrier. “You knew, didn’t you?!”
Felzen matched my glare with one of his own, silent.
“Didn’t you?!” I shouted. Say something. Why won’t you say something? “How long—how long have you known?”
“I can hear you just fine!” He took a deep breath. “I’ve known since the very start. She was wearing a dress when we first met.” His words were soft, but the pain they inflicted was anything but. He’d known from the beginning, before Bern and I had even met, and he’d lied to me. They’d lied to me.
My arms dropped as my world slowly collapsed, piece by piece. Pathetic. I felt so stupid that I had to laugh. I had thought them my friends, people I could trust, and who could trust me in kind. I’d told myself that they were different from the rest and yet, there I was.
They had betrayed me. They didn’t trust me. As someone in a position of power, I was no stranger to treachery, expected it even. Theirs hurt unlike any I had ever experienced.
“Why? Because I’m a prince?”
“No,” he answered without hesitation. “I hid the truth from you because I was afraid you’d…”
“I’d?”
“Because I was afraid you’d steal her away from me,” he mumbled, biting down on his lip.
All this time. I gulped. All this time, Felzen’s been…
“You couldn’t visit her, and she can’t visit you all that often, so I thought, ‘I’ll just keep my mouth shut.’ After all, there was no way you’d fall for her thinking she’s a him.”
Been in love with her.
“And look where that got me, huh?” he said with a crooked smile on his face, holding back tears. I nodded. “What was I thinking? It was bound to come out sooner or later.” His voice shrank as I struggled to find the right words. “Remember how we told Bern to come to prep school with us? How she followed through on her word? She was ready to lead a life of lies over some silly promise between kids. And I was so happy that she would go to such lengths just to maintain our relationship. I made her a liar.” He covered his face with his arm. “And yet, I failed to protect her and will have to pile on more lies. Only I could protect her, but not anymore. Now I can’t, even if I wanted to.”
“Why not?”
“I made a deal with her father. In exchange for letting Bern into prep school, he made me promise to guard her innocence and to immediately cut off all contact if her secret came out.” He fell silent, the air around us growing heavy.
If it were discovered that the marshal and his advisor, who also happened to possess the only private army in the kingdom, were meddling in military affairs, they could very well be accused of planning a coup d’état. Felzen’s involvement had to remain a secret.
Had I known and willingly turned a blind eye, the best-case scenario would have been that I got my title stripped. Worst-case scenario, we’d have all been executed for treason.
“I didn’t want to make you a liar too,” he said, hanging his head. “I’m sorry.”
“Are you…okay with me knowing?” Felzen had just told me a secret he and Bern had maintained for years. What if I had flipped out and told someone? Your families would be in hot water.
“Of course,” he said with a gloomy smile. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”
I felt something burst inside me. My world, collapsing? No, it’s right here, held up by them, by their lies.
I grabbed Felzen’s shoulders. “I’ll bring her back. Will you help me, Felzen?” I was prepared to do whatever it took. He and I, of all people, had no right to simply carry on with our lives like nothing had ever happened.
“The fact that you’re the one asking me…is why she didn’t pick me,” Felzen said with his usual grin.
Suddenly, a knock rapped on the door.
Felzen opened it, revealing Kraut, whose green eyes brimmed with determination. “I’ve come to ask you a favor, Felzen.” He bowed, clutching a stack of papers. “Please help me save Bern.”
“What you got there?” I asked, sneaking a peek.
“P-Petitions. I got as many as I could.”
Felzen and I exchanged glances. “Isn’t she a lucky one?”
Felzen smiled. “She sure is.”
A warmth swelled inside my chest. With this many people we might just be able to pull it off—we have to.
“We were just thinking the same thing. Will you help us?”
“Of course!”