Once everyone was gathered around, I explained what had happened. When I got to the part about the lord trying to grab my chest, Ringo exploded.
“I told you we should have come along!”
“If you all had come along, things would have only gotten more complicated,” I insisted. “Because I was alone, I was able to escape without anyone being hurt.”
I’d already explained this, but it seemed like Ringo and the others weren’t satisfied with the answer.
“P-Please rely on us more!” he begged. “You do far too much by yourself, Your Majesty! We all live to serve you, and would gladly die for your sake!”
Everyone else in the room nodded as though that were a natural thing to say.
“Do you think that would make me happy?!” I exclaimed. “The thought of losing even one of you makes my heart hurt! Right now I’m stronger than all of you put together. The best way for any of you to protect me is to remain alive and happy. Protect my heart from the grief of losing you! My body will be fine. I called you all here because I wanted to understand your feelings. You all do so much for me and get next to nothing in return. You’re practically slaves! I want to make your lives better, and give you more time to relax and have fun.”
“Th-That won’t make us happy!” said Ringo. “What makes us happiest is being of use to you. When you praise us for a job well done, it brings us more joy than anything else. Please don’t say you want us to do even less than we do now!”
Everyone nodded along with him again. Even though we could all speak the same languages, I couldn’t understand them. They didn’t want anything in return? Not even something as basic as some time off? It seemed like they were crazy, until I realized they really were like children seeking their parent’s approval—or maybe like religious zealots trying to please their deity. They wanted to be loved and respected more than anything else. Once I thought of it that way, it made much more sense. I remembered learning my first words other than English or Spanish, and how proud my mother had been. Her smile had made me so happy.
That’s what it was. Love was what drove them. I was the most important thing to them, even more important than their own lives.
“Very well,” I said. “I won’t force you to take time off of work, on two conditions. First, if you do want some time off, or anything else, you’ll let me know. Second, don’t throw your lives away in a misguided attempt to protect me. Even if you can be revived, I don’t want any of you to die for nothing. As long as you follow these two rules, I won’t force you to take any time off. If I find out anyone has deliberately broken either of these rules, I’ll order that person to take a weeklong vacation.”
Everyone seemed pleased with my decision. I admit, it felt weird threatening them with free time, but it helped me understand my minions a bit better.
Next came the discussion of what to do about the lecherous lord.
“All right, let’s gather up an army and—”
“Ringo, that’s a violation of rule number two,” I told him firmly. “Did you need some time off?”
“N-no!” he protested. “We’re stronger than them, so why can’t we just raise an army and attack their city?”
More nods from the rest of them. Even you Bistro? I’m so disappointed.
“The reason is very simple,” I said. “Let’s see if any of you can come up with it.”
After a few moments of silence, Pomme raised her hand.
“Yes, Pomme.”
“Is it because a war would hurt a lot of innocent people who had nothing to do with it?”
“That’s absolutely correct!”
Ringo stood up, slamming his open palms into the table for emphasis. “It’s their own fault for serving that pervert, and allowing him to rule over them!” He was thinking some seriously violent thoughts.
I hummed thoughtfully. “Hmm. Maybe I need to add some more rules. Like ‘no hurting or killing innocent people to prove a point’—or rather, for any reason at all.”
“I get it,” said Pomme. “So what are we going to do about it then? You can’t mean to just do nothing.”
Ah, there’s a good question.
“Economic sanctions,” I said.
Silence filled the room.
“Forgive my ignorance, but how are we to sanction them?” Bistro asked. He was looking at me like I was defective somehow.
Ah, Bistro, don’t look at me like that. It’s not a dumb idea, I promise.
“I’ll set up dungeons around the perimeter of their city, and install a toll gate.”
“That sounds really du—” Pomme began.
“I wasn’t finished, Pomme. It doesn’t seem like they raise much food inside of the city itself, so we tax any incoming foodstuffs. If people want to leave town, we allow them to, free of charge, but we charge a hefty fee for entering. The idea is to get most of the innocent people to leave the city.”
“Ah! So then we can go punish that nasty human!” Ringo blurted out as he realized the brilliance of my plan.
“If he doesn’t come to us first,” Bistro added.
“Your Majesty! Please, forgive us for ever doubting you!” wailed Ringo, bowing deeply.
There were tears flowing all around the table. It seemed as though everyone there was moved by how kind and generous I was to give the innocents a way to escape the violence. I still thought it would be better if we could just learn to communicate better, but I couldn’t let this go unpunished. Lord Lusty Pants needed some serious consequences.
“I’m so glad I got to participate,” Ursa whispered quietly.
Huh? Ursa? Hate to break it to you, but you didn’t really say anything throughout the entire meeting, so you didn’t really participate...
That night, before bed, I set up a circle of towers around the city, then a line of towers leading to the forest. When I went to sleep, I told Redimir what happened...and had nearly the same exact discussion with him. He wanted to raze the city to the ground immediately. Why were all of my subordinates so darned violent? I supposed it would have been worse if they were all tree-hugging pacifists, but still. I didn’t even know what the city was called.
When I woke up, I started linking the towers I’d set up the previous night together with Adjoin, creating a wall. Then I made them all taller. The finishing touch was the gatehouse. With my gigantic wall made from adjoined towers, I now controlled all traffic in and out of the city. If anyone wanted to enter or leave, they needed to go through my gate. There was a path through the tower labyrinth, of course, but I filled it with level ten Faegoblins. If anyone could make it through that unscathed, they deserved to pass through.