“Suzu! Come out here and sing!” commanded Ms. Nakai, leaning over in her orange sleeveless shirt to look me in the face. I got onto my knees and crawled away.
“Nope, nope, nope.”
“Choir members don’t hide in the shadows. What are you, a bell cricket?”
“I am, and I’m perfectly fine with that,” I said, sticking my head between the legs of the keyboard.
“The youngest member ought to be front and center,” said Ms. Hatanaka, a scarf around her neck.
“No thank you.”
Ms. Yoshitani, with the cute white bob, crossed her arms and sighed. “What to do? Kids these days have no drive.”
“It’s like she’s given up on being happy,” said Ms. Kita.
Ms. Okumoto, in her denim jacket and ponytail, put her hand on her hip, as usual. “I’m sure your mother wants you to be happy.”
“But how?” I asked them. “How do I achieve happiness?”
They were flummoxed.
“Well, if you put it like that…,” said Ms. Okumoto, glancing around pensively.
“H-happiness…,” said Ms. Hatanaka, at a loss for words as she frowned behind her glasses.
“Happiness…,” Ms. Kita echoed, looking up at the ceiling.
“Happi…ness…,” said Ms. Nakai with an awkward gesture that I suppose was meant to embody happiness.
Each of them had lived a unique life. One lived with her long-time partner, another was focused on her career and had never married, another was a twice-divorced single mother, and another cared for her ill husband while raising their children.
Ms. Yoshitani, the oldest, looked around at the other four.
“Funnily enough, I still don’t know what it means to be happy even at my age,” she said with a laugh, her hand on her chest. The other four stiffened, as if they’d suddenly realized none of them had the right to lecture me on happiness. I peered out from between the legs of the keyboard and looked at each woman in turn.
“…What are you looking at?!” Ms. Kita howled angrily. “You’re comparing us, aren’t you?”
“I bet you’re trying to figure out which of us is right!” said Ms. Hatanaka, her eyes crackling behind her glasses.
“We wouldn’t be struggling like this if there was a right way to achieve happiness!” Ms. Nakai shouted.
Terrifying.
I shrank into the shadows beneath the keyboard.
The truth was, I was struggling myself.
I looked down from the breezeway at the basketball court where Shinobu had been playing the other day. No one was around. The ball lay forlornly on the court.
As I stared at it, an indelible memory flashed across my mind.
It was evening. My six-year-old self was squatting down, crying, but everyone kept their distance. Shinobu came up to me holding a mini basketball.
“Why are you crying? ” he asked, standing by my side.
I just kept sobbing.
“Why won’t you say anything? ” he asked.
I didn’t respond.
I can bring this memory up whenever I want. It means a lot to me. I don’t know how many times I’ve replayed it in my mind. I’ll probably keep recalling it now and then to make sure I don’t forget it. Even when I’m an adult, even when I’m an old woman like Ms. Yoshitani. Forever…
I didn’t notice that someone had walked over to me.
“…Suzu?”
I looked up in surprise.
“…Sh-Shinobu?!”
I panicked. What expression had I been making? Cold sweat broke out all over me. I didn’t want him to see me looking weird.
“How’s your dad?”
“Fine, I guess.”
“You guess? Have you been eating okay?”
“I’m e-eating.”
I couldn’t stand it anymore. I made a move to leave, but he grabbed my hand.
I stared up at him in shock, my face flushing at his touch.
“Did something happen?” he asked me calmly.
“…No.”
I glanced down. I didn’t want him to see me like this.
“I don’t believe you.”
“I told you it’s fine.”
I averted my gaze.
“Look at me,” he said.
“…I can’t.”
“Come on.”
Why is he being so pushy? I hesitated, but eventually gave in and looked at him.
He gazed straight into my eyes.
“Talk to me.”
“……!!”
His eyes were boring right into mine. My breath caught in my throat. I felt pinned to the spot, transfixed by him.
He’d looked at me the same way on that day when we were kids. He’d squatted down next to me and said, “Talk to me.” His eyes hadn’t changed a bit. I was in a daze, unable to say a word.
I suddenly felt other eyes on me. A group of girls had noticed us and were whispering to each other.
Dammit.
I let go of Shinobu’s hand and hurried away.
“…Suzu!” he called after me, but I kept my gaze fixed ahead as I rounded the hallway corner.
I had to tell him.
I pressed my back against the wall, my hand throbbing where he’d touched it, and practiced what I was going to say.
“Shinobu, I’m not like I was in elementary school. You don’t have to keep worrying about me forever…”
Once I got my wits about me, I retraced my steps. I could see him on the far side of the breezeway. I had to tell him. But suddenly, I stopped in my tracks.
“……!”
Ruka was standing in front of him.
She was pointing at a page in her textbook or something and smiling happily at him. She had the kind of radiant beauty that no one could tarnish. Her smile was so perfect, it seemed like the whole world had blessed her. Two other girls were watching from behind, also smiling. They’d been whispering before, but now they looked relieved. I thought I knew why.
I swallowed what I’d planned to say to Shinobu and stored the words deep in my heart. Then I walked away like nothing had happened.