“I narrated a story out loud. That’s all. But because of that, I lost my hometown, my family. That’s why I’m so afraid of stories…”
Putting her true feelings into words at long last…it brought her an incredible and instant sense of relief.
Her story was confusing and fragmented and made little sense; she knew that. But Tomohito listened calmly without interrupting, and Akari sighed, feeling as though she’d unburdened herself of something heavy she’d been carrying for years.
“Do you regret that you survived, Mistress Akari?”
“No. No, of course not.”
If it weren’t for Akari still being alive, no one would be left to remember her peaceful village as it once was. She had to keep on living, if only for that reason.
“But you regret that you narrated the tale of that demon…who you thought was your friend?”
Akari winced. Tomohito had prodded her old mental wounds.
But finally, she knew how she really felt.
“…It was my fault. That’s how I felt…how I feel now.”
“Mistress?”
Now that she’d said it, she felt the floodgates open.
Tomohito sat gazing at her in bewilderment.
“I told the tale of a brutish, cruel, repulsive demon! And that demon appeared exactly as I described it! I was so scared! And where was my beloved friend, the one I’d yearned to meet in person for so long? Was the friend I trusted just something I made up in my mind? I couldn’t stand it! I wanted to escape from everything! But I turned that demon into a Kotogami! I sealed it into the Kotogatari and made it real again and gave it power!”
There was more, but Akari couldn’t remember.
If her words had been taken as orders to a Kotogami…then it was the same as if Akari had destroyed the village herself.
She was a terrible person. Not only for the destruction of the village. Not only for the death of her parents. But also for taking away her friend’s freedom and damning its soul to reside in a book forevermore.
“I’m…so sorry…”
The loss of her parents, the destruction of her village…she’d suffered so much. But that was her curse to bear, as a survivor. After all…her sins were great.
Maybe with her narration she’d distorted her spirit friend somehow, out of hubris, out of longing to see him in person. And then when he appeared, she had rejected him, seen him as a monster. She hated herself for that.
She had no right to her tears. She clutched at the sheets, trying to hold the burning emotion within her chest, to keep it from spilling out.
A white-gloved hand covered hers and gently squeezed.
Akari lifted her head in confusion, meeting Tomohito’s soft gaze.
His eyes shimmered with deep sadness, and Akari forgot her pain for a moment.
“It is all right, Mistress Akari. That kind spirit you believed you met…I’m sure they were really everything you thought they were. So please don’t blame yourself.”
“No, you’re wrong. The demon enshrined in that Kotogatari…it appeared, just as I narrated it.”
That was the truth, wasn’t it? But Tomohito shook his head slowly, smiling.
“Have you forgotten already? How you yourself materialized Kansuke in a different form, simply by changing your narration?”
“Huh…?”
Akari gasped as she stared at Tomohito. Yes…while the true nature of a Kotogami was always the same, the manifested form could be manipulated. Tomohito’s tone was light as he spoke to her, but she could see a hint of struggle deep in his eyes…
As always, though, his true thoughts were unreadable.
“You blame yourself. But have you never thought that you may have been deceived by that spirit?”
“To what end?”
“Perhaps it used you…for a way to free itself from the kubizuka.”
This hadn’t occurred to Akari until just now. She blinked several times and Tomohito’s smile broadened.
“I can tell from your expression that you have never considered this. What I can say is that I believe this spirit cared for you, no matter the form it took. Whether a fearsome demon on the outside or not. I believe that it was happy to be your friend, happy to be manifested into a Kotogami form by you.”
“That can’t be true…”
“But it can. I should know. I, too, am a spirit.”
She could feel his hand trembling on hers.
He was speaking with such conviction. But why were his hands shaking? Holding Akari’s hand, Tomohito continued with a bittersweet smile.
“Underneath a kubizuka, you can’t be with humans this way…or hold their hand like this. It’s not all happy things, of course, but it’s nice, being in the outside world. Destroying your village, though…yes, that was unforgivable. But demons are…unaccustomed to human ways and human feeling. There must have been some extenuating circumstances, I think. I believe your friend would never have meant to hurt you.”
“Really?”
Feeling guilty for wanting to believe him, Akari gazed into his eyes. Tomohito nodded in return.
“Of course. I truly believe myself lucky to be able to be by your side, Mistress Akari.”
“Wait a minute, why are you inserting yourself into this story?”
Akari’s expression was suddenly bewildered, her pain momentarily forgotten. Tomohito stared back at her, his eyes big and round.
“Have I said something strange?”
“Yes, but you’re always saying strange things, so it’s okay.”
Akari dismissed it, but Tomohito looked alarmed and started speaking more quickly.
“Then…then how about this? What if that spirit you were such good friends with felt bad about scaring you and regrets that it couldn’t protect you? And even now it wants to be useful to you, to help you in any way it—”
“Useful? Helpful? Like you, you mean? See, you’re putting yourself into the demon’s position again! You are SO playing devil’s advocate!”
“But… But I…!”
Tomohito sputtered, and Akari burst out laughing at him. He pouted, but she didn’t care.
“That sounds like a fairy tale.”
“Ah, forgive me! You may find this kind of conjecture to be silly, fanciful even…but I think it’s important to consider all possible angles!”
“You don’t have to get so worked up. I actually feel a lot better now, thanks to you.”
Akari smiled playfully, and Tomohito’s eyes widened.
Yes…such was the power of stories.
To entertain, to amuse. And sometimes to make us cry. To lighten our hearts, just for a while. As a child, she’d consoled her lonely soul with tales, told by friends whose faces she could no longer recall. How happy she had been to listen.
She’d forgotten it, but it had returned to her now. Her true love of stories…
It would be so nice if what Tomohito said was true. But the demon who was her friend had disappeared, none knew where to. A normal girl like Akari had no way of finding out. All she could do was imagine.
Meeting Tomohito and the others had made her realize that not all spirits were bad. Some were good—and it was all right to think of them that way. They had taught her that the shape of a tale can change based on the telling. It was all open to interpretation.
“I don’t think my discomfort with stories will change going forward, though. But I think—yes. I think I can manage to read some fiction again. After all…I’ll be lonely by myself, after I leave here. A hobby might help.”
“I see. I will be lonely too.”
Akari looked at Tomohito with some surprise.
“You haven’t tried to stop me from leaving. Will you really be lonely without me?”
“We knew this arrangement would have an expiration date. It is all right. You’ve left me with so many wonderful memories to draw on.”
“Are there so many? It’s only been two months. For a spirit, that’s like the blink of an eye, isn’t it?”
“In truth, yes…”
Her fever had made her speak her mind much more than she usually would. But Tomohito simply smiled.
He continued, a hint of restraint in his expression.
“If you feel lonely, please return here anytime. Mayoi and Kansuke will always welcome you. Mayoi has overcome her trauma thanks to you. And Kansuke has cast off his curse. There are still many more Kotogami who would seek your narration. I am slightly jealous, but I assure you, there is no need for you to be alone any longer.”
“I’m not a child anymore, you know.”
“Really? Well, a matter of five or ten human years makes little difference to a Kotogami. So you may as well still be a child.”
“Oh, shut up.”
Grinning a little, Akari rolled her eyes. Tomohito gazed steadily at her, unconcerned.
Back when this all started, Akari could never have imagined having a heart-to-heart with a spirit like this. Even though she felt as if she’d been through the emotional ringer with this one in particular.
“I am leaving, though. I’m going back to being a regular person.”
Akari still believed she had no right to be narrating stories.
“I understand. I accept your decision. Now please get some rest, Mistress. I shall leave now.”
“Aren’t you supposed to stay with the patient until she’s asleep?”
“May…may I?”
Blame it on the fever. Akari cleared her throat, then snuggled down under the covers as Tomohito chuckled and settled back into the bedside chair.
“Tomohito…thank you for everything.”
“Of course, Mistress. I shall serve you always.”
Just as she was drifting off to sleep, Akari realized something.
Tomohito had told her she was free to return to the Bookhouse anytime, that Mayoi and Kansuke would always be there to welcome her.
He had not mentioned himself.