“It is unfortunate, but I still have not heard from Yukari what happened there,” Alice said. “For the time being, there is only circumstantial evidence, but anyone who has a functioning brain, even a nobody, should be able to infer from that well enough. That is why I came, and that is why I ask you again: do you really think you can hide forever? And let me also ask you: if Yukari is found by an organization not like us, but of nobodies who only think of how to abuse her talent, will you be able to protect her?”
Alice was relentless in her argument. “We can. Jaunt was created to protect talents like Yukari’s and mine from such nobodies. We have the organizational power to accomplish it.” In my silence, she continued. “I shall repeat the important part, Hatou. Will you be able to protect her? Does a nobody such as you have such power?”
There was no way to answer a question so closed-ended.
It was the timing.
Having previously quit and moved for their daughter’s sake, Yukari’s parents were shaken up by what had happened to me. They worried that something might happen again, that this time we were lucky, but next time someone might get hurt. They didn’t force this on her, though. In fact, they respected her feelings about it.
I didn’t check, but probably Alice told Yukari something similar—like that she couldn’t just keep lurking in the shadows forever. Someday, someone would notice her talent. There was nothing wrong with that in and of itself, but they might try to use it with ill intent. They might take a hostage or attack for some unusual reason like in my case. (Nobodies were always trying to oppress people somehow or other.) So, could she say with confidence that next time, she’d be able to protect her friends the way she did this time?
Even if Alice did convince Yukari that way, I couldn’t accuse Alice of being a coward. I’d also be running from the truth if I ignored the danger that came with being Yukari’s friend. It would be too late to wait until a certain fatal something happened. And most importantly, though one might have accused her of intimidation, Alice wasn’t kidding at all.
There’s no way I can stay calm when thinking about Alice Foyle. It’s probably because in my heart of hearts, I felt as if Alice was the one who caused Yukari’s death. I know this has no logical basis—I’ve been lashing out at her—but I just can’t stop thinking that way.
I’ve hated her ever since.
And yet I also felt love toward her. Passionate affection, like my hatred turned itself inside out. A feeling I never intended, which, after meeting Alice so, so many times over again, developed inside me before I knew it. A contradictory state of mind, opposites existing simultaneously.
Alice herself was a good girl, free of deception. She disdained us as nobodies, but that came with her desire not to get hurt. That’s something I know all too well. I’m about to meet her so, so many times over again: about to hate her, love her, protect her, kill her, and learn things I never wanted to know. That’s how I know. That’s how I know Alice wasn’t her real name. That’s how I know Alice dyed her hair.
That’s how I know Alice was bullied—and called the spawn of the devil.
Alice had no father. Alice’s young mother got hooked on drugs first, and then a cult. When Alice was born, her mother considered Alice to be a gift from God themself. But when Alice started showing her talent and diverging from the norm, she took it as a symbol of sin. She figured her prior drug abuse had affected her child. She decided that Alice was the spawn of the devil, born of drugs, and considered it her atonement to make Alice reform herself “correctly.”
I know.
I know that it was only a twisted ambition for self-expression. To Alice’s mother, Alice was nothing more than a symbol of her own atonement. For Alice to exist as Alice was a sin. Until Alice was rescued by Jaunt, she lived always thinking of herself as worthless. Not lived—was left alive, rather, as proof that her mother was being born again in the image of God.
Once, Alice asked me, “Hatou, what do you think of the way Yukari sees? Does it in fact disgust you?”
“No. Not at all. I think Yukari’s eyes are great. Rich, even.”
“Quite right, Hatou. It is as you say. You are very perceptive for a quasi-nobody. Indeed, Yukari’s purple eyes are a great wonder that reveal the richness of this world. They should be celebrated as a gift from heaven above. And so why must Yukari continue to hide them as if there were something wrong with them? Why is it wrong for Yukari to be herself?”
Why?
Alice did her best to persuade Yukari. Come to Jaunt. If you come to Jaunt, you won’t have to hide your unique eyes. If you come to Jaunt, you can be yourself. If you come to Jaunt, everything will be okay. No one will persecute you for being a genius. No one will denigrate you for your strange talent.
“Yukari, you should come to Jaunt. Join us, your comrades, who have the same talents.”
That’s right. It wasn’t Yukari who was looking for a friend, but Alice. It wasn’t Yukari who needed friends and comrades—it was Alice. She needed friends who were somebodies, people who had the same talent as her. Allies who would neither put her down for her talent nor betray her. That was why she was working so hard.
She just wanted a friend.
That was why she was so desperate to scout Yukari, whom she perceived as a kindred soul. So how could I accuse Alice of being cowardly?
✦ ✦ ✦
I couldn’t—we couldn’t—protect Yukari alone. Not from serial killers, shadowy organizations, or the world. But if she went with Alice to Jaunt, they’d protect her. She wouldn’t have to hide. She wouldn’t have to conceal what she saw every day.
There was more.
At this gathering place for potential world-changing geniuses, they might even be able to refine Yukari’s ability. They might be able to unravel the mystery of why humans looked like robots to her and her alone. And then Yukari might be able to share what she witnessed with someone else. Then she would truly no longer be alone.
So what was I supposed to do? If I really considered myself Yukari’s friend, shouldn’t I prioritize her long-term well-being over some temporary emotions? And if so, then what should I do?
What could I, a nobody, do for a somebody like Yukari?
If I was a true friend and not just a superficial one, then what I had to do was—
✦ ✦ ✦
In the end, it was a phone call that made me decide what to do. That night, I was lying awake agonizing over my choice, which I’d pretty much made already, but still couldn’t admit to making. Then I got a phone call—to my left hand, whose number hardly anyone knew.
I never could have guessed who it was.