Chapter 20

Chapter 2:
Tenjou Nanami and Schrödinger’s Cat

BY THE WAY, have you heard of qualia? They’re the sensations that arise in your head, like red’s feeling of redness, the way the color blue seems particularly blue to you, or seeing something purple and knowing it’s a hundred percent purple. The same colors might be perceived differently by different people or in different situations. That kind of feeling is called qualia, as I understand it.

Of course, we’re not just talking about visual stuff like colors. Sound, touch, smell—all the subjective experiences produced by our senses. All of those impressions involve qualia.

There are qualia of pain, for example. We know that when we get injured, it hurts. We understand that pain plays a role as a kind of danger signal to protect us, and that’s why there are various kinds of pain, yet we don’t know why pain feels the way it does. If a part of your body feels hot or cold, uncomfortable or achy, those sensations are qualia of pain. If those qualia make you sad or angry or even happy, those are also qualia you’re feeling. It’s not only fleeting things, either. If you see a movie that makes you happy or upset for the rest of the day, or even a movie lights your heart aflame with martial spirit or calms you in a pleasant afterglow, those lingering feelings are also qualia.

The one who told me all this and taught me the concept of qualia was one of the few others who knew Yukari’s secret; she was the one other person who had experienced it firsthand. She was the ace student in the classroom next door, Tenjou Nanami.

Nanami and Yukari went way back—all the way to kindergarten. Yukari didn’t know how to smile then. What’s more, she didn’t consciously express herself at all. After all, humans looked like robots to her. Robots don’t typically look overjoyed or dejected. At the very least, they don’t have the kind of rich and flexible expressions that humans do. Yukari’s way of seeing the world meant she had never seen a human expression, and just like how she couldn’t tell whether I was a boy or a girl, she really had no idea about the subtle differences that corresponded to people’s feelings. She wasn’t even aware of the concept of facial expressions.

Do dogs and cats have feelings? Do they show them? If you have a pet, I’m pretty sure you’ll fire back at me that they, of course, have feelings. And if you’ve been with your pet for a long time, you might even be able to read their expressions. After living with a pet and investing vast amounts of time and love in it, you might be able to read its subtle expressions, with no need for baring of fangs, cautious growls, or tail wagging.

But to any human other than its owner, the subtle body language of an unfamiliar dog or cat are pretty much indistinguishable. In that same way, Yukari can’t read people’s expressions.

If she’s known someone for a long time, Yukari might somehow be able to guess how they’re feeling, like you would with a dog or a cat, but for strangers and acquaintances, she has trouble judging whether they’re amused, angry, happy or sad. That’s the world that purple-eyed Marii Yukari lives in, and for that reason, friends are very important to her. Tenjou Nanami was not only the first friend she ever made, but also the one who taught her how to smile.

Yukari might not have known how to show them back then, but of course she has feelings. It’s just a matter of being able to express them.

Nanami was able to understand that, even as a child. She tried everything she could think of to teach Yukari how to smile. She pinched Yukari’s hand with no warning and told her that the face she was making was one of sadness. She stole her lunch and told her this was an expression of anger. She punched her out of nowhere to make her express surprise, tickled her and fed her candy, watched movies with her, and looked at animals with her. Whenever an emotion appeared on Yukari’s face, Nanami would draw it or show her a mirror, and she’d say, “This face you’re making without trying to is an expression. This is the best way to show other people how you feel.”

So, with Nanami’s dedicated coaching, Yukari finally learned to communicate using more than just her words. She became able to express her feelings so richly, so honestly, and so openly it would make me embarrassed to watch her. I hate to say it, but I give credit where credit is due—Nanami is amazing for that.

Nanami was Yukari’s best friend until the accident. Afterward, Nanami hated Yukari and treated her with contempt. She’d keep her distance, pick on her, or provoke her. But even so, no matter how mean Nanami was to her, Yukari called Nanami her friend and tried to be close to her.