Chapter 2:
Marii is Cute
MARII YUKARI is really cute.
She’s small overall. (I’m an average-sized girl, and Marii barely reaches my chin, no matter how straight she stands up.) She reminds me of a small animal, which might have something to do with her long, naturally wavy hair. It spreads out all around looking so fluffy and soft, and in the light, it sparkles like the waves of the sea under the bright sun.
It’s not just her hair that’s attractive. Yukari’s face is quite nice, too.
Yukari says others look like robots, but personally, I think she looks like a doll. Not just a ready-made doll off the shelf, but a made-to-order porcelain bisque doll. And when I say she looks like a doll, I mean she looks perfect—not that she’s lacking in expression. She’s more animated than anyone else I know. I never get tired of watching how her face moves in so many different ways in such a short time. It’s more the cuteness of a kid than that of a woman, but then again, we are still junior high school students. As someone who apparently has RBF by default, I have to admit that I’m a little jealous of her cute smiles.
But you know, the grass is always greener on the other side—even for Yukari and her unique eyes.
“It’s nice of you to say that, Gaku-chan, but I still wish I was like you. Your face barely moves, and you look like you could tolerate radioactivity.”
“If it was anyone else, I’d take that as an insult, you know.”
“Oh! No! I didn’t mean it like that! Um, I, uh, what I mean is—”
Watching her mumble “Oh! Oh!” as she flails around for someone to bail her out makes my chest feel tight. I hold back a sigh.
If you asked ten people about Marii Yukari’s appearance, they’d each bring ten friends, and they’d shout a hundred strong that she’s cute. Even so, she is alarmingly unaware of the effect she has on others—oblivious even.
It’s not that she’s particularly modest or self-effacing. Yukari truly believes she isn’t cute. How could she, when her eyes don’t show her anything in humanity that she can compare to herself?
Apparently, her only knowledge of the “true form” of humans, who otherwise look like robots to her, is her reflection in the mirror and illustrations. Drawings of humans don’t look like robots to her, no matter how detailed they are. Conversely, from what she’s said, even blurry photographs of humans look robotic to her.
It just goes to show that our sense of beauty is learned from our environment and experiences. After all, the standards of beauty are totally different today from that of the Heian period. Similarly, Yukari and I have different senses of what’s attractive. However cute she looks to me, since she grew up surrounded by “robots,” she can’t help but be insecure about her fluffy hair and pale skin, which to her are just inescapable reminders that she’s different from everyone else.
She doesn’t think she’s cute: instead, Yukari wants to be a robot “like everyone else.”
That’s why I have to remind her of how I feel.
“Oh! Gaku-chan?” she says in surprise at my embrace.
Whenever I get a chance (like when we’re alone), I hug her really tight. I know it doesn’t fit the image of “permanently pissy Gaku,” and it honestly makes me almost die of embarrassment, but this is how I express to her what my eyes see. Even though there’s no way to fully explain it, I still want her to know how I feel inside my heart.
So, this is only when no one’s looking, but when I spot the chance, I suck up the embarrassment and tell her.
“Yukari, I think you’re cute. No matter what you look like to yourself, I can tell you that I think you’re super cute.”
“Oh! How embarrassing…!”
Yukari looks down shyly, and her cheeks glow pink. I like to think that’s a sign not just of embarrassment but also of her own happiness. Even so, I still don’t think I’m getting my message across exactly. I can’t make her understand.
So instead of relying on words, I hug her tight and pray.
Let my feelings reach her. Have more confidence in yourself.
Yukari really is as cute as anyone. How can I make her believe it?
She doesn’t fuss over clothes, because she sees her looks as a lost cause. I mean, when Yukari tries, she ends up looking like she’s trying to cosplay as a robot. She focuses instead on being neat and clean. Yet somehow she doesn’t like baths and can’t take one by herself. She told me when her family can’t meet her needs, she takes a shower instead. Apparently, she’s skeptical about the human body being able to float, and she doesn’t trust her exterior and interior waterproofing. She needs someone else there in case water leaks into her body.
“How is it that no one else has a problem? Gaku-chan, you look so heavy…! Oh! That’s not what I meant. Are you mad? I mean…”
I’m not actually mad (I mean, why would I be at this point?), but Yukari looks so adorable and cutesy as she waves around exclaiming, “Oh! Oh! Oh!” that I can’t help but give her a good, long stare. The surly look is so baked into my gaze, I guess it must look like a glare. It’s not what I’m going for, but it’s on my face before I even realize I’m staring at her.
“So, um, what I mean is, I’m not saying you look heavy. I’m just saying you look that way to me—oh! No—I don’t mean you look like that! I, uh… Ah, what do I do…?”
Yukari’s downright adorable when she panics like that. It makes me want to feed her by hand, like a small animal. I can’t tear my gaze away from her.
With my focused stare on her, I think, Yukari looks cute the way she is. Maybe I don’t have to tell her.