I won’t forgive him. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. I won’t. After everything I said to him. Everything I told him. I love him. And he betrayed me. Traitor. Traitor. Traitor. If he had to cheat on me, couldn’t he have done it with that brat? At least then I could shrug it off as a passing fancy. How can this be happening? He did it with a man. A man. A man. A man. A man. A tall, muscular, brawny man.
This can’t be happening. There’s no way. He can’t fall in love with another man. Did he lie in bed with that man’s arms around him like he was a woman? Or was he on top, mounting him like a wild stallion? I can’t forgive myself for even thinking about these things. It’s just impossible.
He has to love a cute woman. He should love a cute woman. He should love me.
What do I do, Mommy? I don’t understand. This isn’t how it was supposed to go.
Mommy’s asleep. Her pretty face looks so peaceful.
I put a hand to my forehead and try to smooth out the monkey-like creases. But then I realize I don’t need to. Mommy is asleep, so it doesn’t matter. I shake my head again and again. I start to feel nauseous. No matter what I do, I can’t stop thinking about it. About him, with that man, and what they did together. I can’t believe it. I won’t believe it.
I’m on the verge of throwing up but finally start to think about something else. Somebody has been following me. Anytime I try to talk to him, I feel this pressure, like someone’s trying to crush my head. When I look behind me, there’s nobody there. It’s been happening a lot lately.
That can’t be normal. Does it have something to do with how he’s been looking so gloomy? It must be. That’s why I’ve had to try so much harder. Harder than anyone. But it’s no good. It all started when he went to Iidabashi. I told him I’d go with him. He didn’t say no, so I went regardless. But it ended in the worst possible way.
There was a strange woman there, and she chased me off. She even gave me the finger. I wasn’t angry at the time. She was far too ugly for me to worry about. Even if heaven and earth were turned upside down, he’d never be interested in her. Pigs like that always get jealous, and I’m his wife, so I decided to be the bigger person. I didn’t think she’d do anything beyond that.
But I was wrong. It’s that woman. She’s the one following me. Because of her, when he was at his lowest, when he needed me the most, I couldn’t be there for him. And look what happened. I wasn’t able to protect him. Protect him… Yes, I should have protected him.
Now that I think about it, he didn’t actually choose to go to that man’s apartment. He’s just so pretty, so supernaturally attractive that people with those desires target him whether he likes it or not. That man must have threatened him—that’s why he did all that stuff. He’s just a victim.
I wasn’t thinking straight. I really am no good when Mommy’s not here.
“Heh-heh-heh.”
That breathy laugh, it’s her. Mommy. She’s awake. She slides one of her long legs out of bed and sits up.
“You really are a little fool.”
Why would you say that to me?
“I understand why you’d want to think that. But it didn’t look like he was being threatened to me.”
But it’s the only thing that makes sense.
“You just didn’t see this coming.”
No, shut up.
“He even shared a nice long kiss with him when he went to leave. Did he seriously seem like he was doing that against his will?”
Shut up. I don’t want to think about it. He was being threatened.
“But this is good news for you, don’t you think?”
Mommy pats my head.
“If he’ll sleep with a man, there’s hope even for someone like you!”
She bursts out laughing.
Shut up. It’s not true.
“Isn’t that great?”
Mommy knew. She knew all along. No matter how much time I spent with him, ate meals with him, helped him with his work, exterminated unpleasant women in his life, wore his ring, looked into his eyes, held his hand, wanted his child, wanted him all for myself, no matter how much I loved him, I would never be good enough.
“That’s just the way men are.”
You’re right, Mommy.
“Men will always betray you sooner or later. That’s why you have to take action to stop them.”
I know, Mommy. I think what you think. I’ll do whatever you think is right.