He seemed so gloomy today. I got rid of that little brat who’s been hassling him, so what more can he possibly have to worry about? That girl is never going to bother him again; he must know that after going to her house. I did actually feel kind of sorry for her, having to live with a mother like that.
She’s not his concern anymore. He should forget all about that pitiful child and focus on me. Even at lunch, the girl was all he would talk about. Could he… Could he really have feelings for her? No, it’s impossible. That would be so wrong. A hopeless little brat who doesn’t even have the love of her family has no right to his affections.
I’m mad now. So mad. I won’t forgive her. No, never. Never, never, never. I was too soft. Taking her out of the picture isn’t enough. I have to open his eyes to the truth. It’s just like you said, Mommy. Men are drawn to youth. That’s why women always have to seem young and cute…even if deep down, they’re not.
Is…is that really what’s happening here? Is he really that kind of man? I think about the way he usually is. He might be a little odd. And of course, he’s unnaturally beautiful. Maybe he would act this way toward anyone? Unlike the other men at his work, he doesn’t discriminate. He treats that fat pig Ootani the same way he does Kawahara, who’s like a pop star. That’s one of the things I love about him.
“Ha-ha-ha.”
Mommy laughs at me.
“What?”
When she laughs like that, it means she’s been drinking too much. It means she’s in a nasty mood. I’m almost afraid to ask her what she’s thinking.
“You are such a fool.”
Mommy puts one leg on the table and leans back in her chair, making it creak.
“You’re so stupid, so easily fooled. You never learn. You can’t seriously believe all this, can you?”
There’s a crisp clatter. Her glass is empty now, leaving only a ball of ice. I pour her more liquor, filling the glass to the brim, hoping she’ll go to sleep soon. But no, she drains the glass dry and laughs loudly again.
“Since you’re so stupid, I have no choice but to teach you. You’re not young or cute anymore. But the real problem is something that goes far beyond that.”
Shut up. Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! Don’t you think I know that already?
“You know what I mean, don’t you?”
Shut up.
I knock over the bottle of liquor. It doesn’t break. Mommy sees it and snorts derisively. She gets to her feet and puts an arm around my shoulder. My body goes stiff. But it’s not what I’m expecting. Mommy draws me into a hug and speaks to me gently, even kindly.
“You just have to do what I tell you.”
Her thin, bony fingers stroke my head, stopping me from escaping.
“I’ll always be on your side, ◼◼◼◼.”
Yes. Of course. I’m ◼◼◼◼. Mommy’s Little ◼◼◼◼. Mommy is never wrong.
Mommy hugs me tighter. I slump down onto the bed. I just have to make him understand. He needs to, if he’s going to love me. In a way, he’s just like any other man—it’s no use trying to be subtle with him. I need to make things nice and clear if I really want him to understand. And when he does, he’ll finally come home.
I need to make him understand.
But that can wait. I’ll start tomorrow. Right now, my head feels too fuzzy to think about it. And I’m sleepy. So…so sleepy…