“Hey, if you don’t want to talk about it…”
Then you don’t have to. Normally, I’d say that. Trying to probe too deeply into someone else’s life was a nuisance if they weren’t open to it.
It felt good when people shared their secrets with you, because you then knew something that others didn’t. That was why many people probed more than they should, trying to satisfy their need to be trusted. There were those who wanted to know, and there were those who genuinely wanted to help.
An intelligent person could tell the difference between the two, and Ayaka was intelligent.
In high school, boys often approached her under the guise of wanting advice. She could see their underlying motive of wanting to get closer to her, and so she would respond noncommittally.
When I saw that aloof look on her face as she tapped idly on her phone, younger me thought, Being fake doesn’t work on her. I should just be myself around Ayaka.
I wouldn’t be myself if I backed off now, because I genuinely wanted to learn more. I’d made up my mind to be genuine around her, so the best choice would be to just ask.
“If I don’t want to talk about it, then what?” she urged.
“Well. To be frank, I’d prefer if you did.”
“You’re so dumb.” After that, she shut her mouth.
The silence wasn’t overbearing. It was more like our usual vibe now. Judging the vibes to be within tolerable limits, I spoke again. “All I heard was that you played basketball, really. What was it like?” I avoided telling her that I’d heard it from Shinohara for now, especially because their relationship was clearly a dicey one.
“That’s a long conversation that I’ll save for another time.”
“Hey, that’s what people say when they don’t plan to say anything.”
“I will,” Ayaka rebutted instantly, shutting me up. Then, she sighed and slowly added, “I’ll tell you, so just wait and don’t pester me about it, okay?”
“Okay…”
Her forceful tone made it all too clear she wanted to drop the subject. But based on her response, my preconceived notion that she wouldn’t talk about her middle school days was gone. Of course I wouldn’t dredge things up out of nowhere: I felt like I could trust her claim that she’d tell me when she got a chance.
My best option now was to sit and wait. I wasn’t in a hurry, or anything. Her promise to let me in on the things she’d yet to reveal was satisfying enough to me. It wasn’t like we were dating, or anything. We were just friends. I appreciated that because if we didn’t want to answer questions the other asked, we didn’t have to. The promise itself seemed like a way of saying that we were closer than just ordinary friends.
My phone screen flashed, alerting me that its battery was running low. Ayaka didn’t seem to be in the mood for small talk anymore, either. I heard her doing some kind of work on her end.
“What got you asking?” she asked, between what sounded like her putting something away.
“Because I was curious, duh.”
“Okay… Good. I was worried you might say you were ‘thinking about what’s best for me’ or something.”
“Never. I know you don’t like that treatment, and I want to be real with you.”
Maybe there were girls out there who liked an overprotective man—once they were already in a relationship, of course—but Ayaka wasn’t one of them. It was important to be considerate, but consideration meant nothing to her if it wasn’t genuine.
Most of her daily life revolved around false consideration, and she returned it with ease. Part of me wanted to see her as a hypocrite for considering herself above it all despite how she went about life, but my empathy outweighed that urge.
I think it’s because she’s forced to be fake so often that she wants those closest to her to be genuine.
“That’s what I like about you.”
“Thanks.” I squirmed slightly at how direct she was being.
Noticing my reaction, she corrected herself, “Oh, as a person, I mean. But you knew that.”
“I know, yeah. You don’t have to say it. It’s almost irritating that you did. Y’know, maybe that’s why guys keep confessing their love to you all the time.”
Even if they didn’t mean it in that way, when someone of the opposite sex said they “like” something about you, you couldn’t help but perk up. Had all of her former male friends fallen for her because of similarly straightforward words?
“I don’t say things like that to anyone but you,” she added.
“Oh?”
“I’m not mean enough to say that to just anyone.”
To be fair, as someone who’s constantly turning down confessions, I doubt she would intentionally try and make someone fall for her.
“Okay, so why’d you say it to me?”
“I dunno. Maybe I just felt like it?” Ayaka cleared her throat. Was she feeling bashful for once? Unusual for her. “Anyway, see you at the party tomorrow.”
“Oh, okay. Just so you know, you’re the only person I know there. I’ll be fine once I get a little tipsy, but hang out with me until then, okay?” I was going to the party, but I was an outsider. It was hard to mingle with new people when you’re fully sober.
But Ayaka replied, “That won’t be necessary. You do know people there. All the girls who were at the Christmas mixer were in my circle, including that girl I gave your number to.”
“Oh, really? You think she’ll remember me? All we did was eat together.”
“For sure, for sure. She was really happy when she heard you were coming,” she said. In the end, we’d never met up or exchanged many messages, but hearing she was looking forward to seeing me did brighten me up. “Anyway, be excited. I’m sure it’ll be worth your while.”
“Yeah, I am. See you then.”
“Good night!” With her usual energy, she hung up.