“Speak up, cow. This idiot isn’t listening to me.”
“Right.” Grete didn’t seem all too enthusiastic, but began to speak nonetheless. “Wim, I don’t think you could defeat a boss alone using the extra strength people sometimes find in emergencies. I mean…I’ve lived in Filburn my whole life, and I’ve never heard of anyone else defeating a boss on their own before.”
“Um…”
“If this is true—I’m sorry, that sounded like I was doubting you—then you’ve already gotten the reward. If your party’s been recognized for defeating the boss, it means you recovered the limb you needed to prove that, right?”
“It really was a coincidence!” I protested. “Like…a string of miracles?”
“Miracles? What do you mean?”
“It’s hard to explain… Well, it’s a feature of my granting magic. For example, you’re not an abenteurer, Grete, and you’ve never trained for battle before. But if you got into ten thousand fights, you’d be able to win at least one of them, even if you were fighting someone crazy strong, right?”
“I don’t think you can write this all off as miracles and coincidences. I mean, it’s really strange how you’re not pointing out the obvious…”
“Um, Grete? You don’t have to believe me if you really can’t.”
“Huh?! That’s not what I meant!”
“That’s, um, not the only reason I was fired,” I said. “Chronos and I never really got along…heh heh! And that’s true for Nikola and Mehlis too. So…this was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m pretty sure I would have earned praise in some other normal party for accomplishing this—even I think that—but I was kicked out because I already proved I was unworthy.”
I didn’t think Chronos and the others were right to react the way they had, but I carried a lot of blame in this as well. I didn’t try to reach out to them and build rapport, which was what led to our current relationship. Knowing that, I should have tried to weather it. I knew that sticking out would make them uncomfortable.
“So, in the end, I—”
“You’re all wrong about this!” Heidemarie cut me off and slammed her hands down on the table. “Bring me another beer, cow!”
“Sure… But will you be all right? You’re a lightweight, aren’t you?”
“Who cares?! Don’t you want your customer’s money?!”
“One beer coming right up!”
She gulped down her new mug. “Listen, Wim. I’ll tell you why they kicked you out, and exactly what’s warped about you! It’s your cognitive dissonance!”
Why was she suddenly dropping psychology terminology?
She cleared her throat, returning to her usual temperament. “When people have a hard time accepting their view of reality, they attach all sorts of reasons to it. You’ve heard the story of ‘The Fox and the Grapes,’ right? The fox can’t reach the grapes no matter how hard he tries to jump, so he decides they must be sour and disgusting to smooth over his own lack of abilities.”
“I’m not sure I remember that story.”
“Are you joking? And don’t interrupt me! Anyway, Chronos is doing what the fox did. You, who he always looked down on, accomplished something amazing he could never do on his own. To solve that contradiction, he decided you’re a useless piece of crap and drove you away. The other two—what were their names, Nik and Meme? Anyway, those two sluts thought the same way.”
That’s Nikola and Mehlis, Heidemarie. And did she just call them sluts? She always runs her mouth when she’s drunk, and she gets there pretty quickly. Well, I guess she was always calling Grete a “cow,” so maybe that was just her personality.
“Are you listening, Wim?”
“Yes, I’m listening.”
“Basically, what I’m saying is that it’s not Chronos and the others who suffer from cognitive dissonance, but you. You’ve got some false beliefs of your own, and you’re always saying things that are ridiculous. That’s your problem.”
Really? I’m the one with cognitive dissonance?
“The fact you defeated a boss on your own doesn’t mesh with your idea that you’re weak and worthless. So, you’re insisting it was a coincidence or some superhuman strength you found in the heat of the moment. And you putting Chronos on a pedestal only makes that worse.” She once again brought her mug to her lips and chugged down the rest of her drink. “If you ask me, it’s partly because you’re in a shitty environment. You need to take a good look at yourself, Wim.”
Huh. So that’s how it is.
I slumped my head, just enough that it was questionable whether I was nodding in agreement or not. As I did, Heidemarie suddenly stuck her hand in her bag and took out a square piece of paper. On it was Heidemarie’s name and the word “Nachtlibelle.”
Nachtlibelle, the best A-rank party in all of Filburn. Being a member was a mark of great status, and of course, that meant the bar to enter was high. Heidemarie had been scouted by them, and she had immediately established herself, raking in one win after another. She was currently a candidate to serve as one of their future leaders.
“Take it. It’s my business card and it’s special. Bring this to our party’s house tomorrow.”
“Huh? Does it do something?”
“Work with us for a bit, just to test out if you’re a good fit. I put a good word in for you.”
“You…can do that?”
“I’m the seventy-fourth elder and a candidate to be one of our next leaders. Of course I can!”
I was glad she trusted me enough to use her influence to get me in, but at the same time, I detested the vast difference between us. Her occupation was that of elder, capable of using the spells of all other classes—a privilege granted only to the chosen. Once again, I was forced to acknowledge that at our cores, we just weren’t the same.
I looked at her. She was the type of girl someone like me shouldn’t be able to casually talk to. She was just being kind because we were childhood friends from the same hometown.
“I bet I can guess what you’re thinking,” said Heidemarie, sounding exasperated as I stared at her business card. “I just put a word in for you, so if it doesn’t work out, just think of it as getting fired. Take us up on the offer.”
“But…”
“Just come! You’ve got a warped view of things. Take what others say of you at their word and realize that you’ve got countless possibilities and choices!”
Her words were kind, but I was still nervous. I just wasn’t confident and I couldn’t be. I had just been kicked to the curb. It was hard to just change my mindset.
“Listen, Wim.” Heidemarie grabbed me by the shoulders, forcing me to look her in the eyes and preventing me from escaping. “Live the life you want.”
✦ ✦ ✦
I found myself on someone’s large back, rocking as we walked through town in the dead of night.
“Mm-hmm…”
“Y-you’re awake. Can you walk?”
“Don’t think so.”
It was Wim’s back. It had been a long time since he last carried me like this.
He continued down the street. Dang it, I was the one who was supposed to be cheering him up, but now he was taking care of me.
“You really are overprotective,” he said.
“Am I?” I asked.
“But thanks for coming to see me when I was down. I’m glad to have an old friend like you around.” He was staring into the distance as he spoke—not that I could see it, but I just knew.
I was glad to hear those words. “But you don’t have to be so kind to me. I’ll be fine on my own.”
“You’re bringing that up again?”
“I chose this path myself.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“It does.”
“I think you’re the only one who cares, Wim.”
“No. You do too.” There was something else Wim suffered cognitive dissonance about, but I could never bring it up myself.
“So don’t worry about me and live as you want, Heidemarie. Live a good life as an abenteurer and find someone nice once you retire.”
Wim had no idea how I felt. “You don’t understand a thing.”
“Huh? I think I do.”
No, he was the one who didn’t understand. He always interpreted my kindness as something I did out of guilt, which in turn made him feel the same. It was an endless cycle. A ridiculous one.
“No, you don’t. I’m the one who understands.”
“Huh? Why?”
“I mean…”
I know everything about you, Wim.