My eyes fluttered open. I felt sluggish. My nonstop magic research had left me feeling exhausted in the mornings. I was working too hard, but I was making solid progress. I was learning a lot of new things, so I couldn’t stop now. The feeling reminded me of being in the middle of a fun videogame. Despite that rush, I needed to look after myself more. Starting after today’s research, of course.
I went downstairs and ate breakfast with Mom. Glancing out the window, I saw Marie practicing her swordplay. I realized then that I had no right to be telling her to slow down. She looked deadly serious as she swiped and stabbed. She trained from morning to night, every single day, and had become unapproachable. I assumed that her training would slow eventually, but she showed no signs of it. She was overdoing it, but given my own situation, I wasn’t the person to tell her that.
Mom looked out the window from time to time. She was worried too.
“Thanks for breakfast,” I said.
“It was nothing special,” Mom said. She gave me her gentle smile as she took my plate for me.
Mom wouldn’t scold Marie. Of course she was worried and would remind her to go easy and take proper breaks. She knew she’d never be able to tell Marie to stop altogether. The same went for me. I think her decision to let me and Marie go this far was a sign of her trust in us. It went hand in hand with her love and attention for us.
And as much as I wanted to trust Marie, I couldn’t just let this situation be. These attacks she was practicing were new. They were rough and violent. I had to say something.
She might get mad at me. She might dislike me for it. I owed this to her as her brother. She had stood by my side before, and I knew she would do the same thing for me. I built up my resolve, then went out into the garden.
Marie huffed and grunted as she swung and thrusted her sword. Her feet moved in unison with the vertical and diagonal thrusts of her strikes. She was so focused that she didn’t even notice I was there.
My sister was a nine-year-old girl who had devoted her entire life to training with the blade. The thought viciously tugged and squeezed at my heart. Marie was stubborn. She would never stop, even if she noticed that we were all worried about her.
I went over to the edge of the garden and watched her train. Time and time again, when I had been doing my magic research, Marie had watched over me in this same way. Now I was paying it back.
For two hours straight, Marie kept practicing her moves. After that, she began running. She jogged at a considerable speed until lunchtime. When she came to the table, she heaved for breath, and sweat dripped down her face.
“Haah! Haah! Haah!”
It was disturbing to see a kid gasping this desperately for air. Marie had driven herself to the brink. I was speechless at seeing her like this. I understood that you needed to train to become stronger. The harder you trained, the faster and better results you obtained. But at what cost? Right now, my sister was in pain. I could hardly stand to see it, although I didn’t dare avert my eyes. I was her ally, and I would stand by her side no matter what.
Were that true, would doing nothing be to her benefit? The best thing for Marie would be to stop her.
“Marie…”
She instantly spun around. I fixed my eyes on hers only to find my eyes pierced straight through. Her gaze was crystal clear. I swallowed my words and aimlessly stood there.
She was annoyed. “What is it?”
Marie was usually kind, except for during her training. Even when she talked about it, she got like this. The last time that I suggested that she should stop training early, a subtle but definite barrier grew up between us. She didn’t hate me, but the relationship wasn’t harmonious at the moment. We still talked all the time and got along, but there was something off. She felt distant, and it was driving me crazy.
I cared for Marie. I wanted to spend time with her. I wanted to be on her side. Because of all of that, I knew that she needed to train less.
So what if I thought she should stop training. Could I—who was supposed to be on her side—tell her that she was wrong?
“Marie…”
“I already asked you, what is it?”
“Sorry.” I hung my head.
“For what?”
“For not being on your side,” I said. “I’m apologizing for that. I didn’t try to understand your feelings. I just stood on the high ground and denied your way of thinking.”
Marie had always stood by my side. She never tried to stop me from being attached to magic, which would have ordinarily been suspicious to others. Instead, she helped me. In return, here I was opposing her decisions. I wasn’t on her side. I was remonstrating her.
I had been playing the adult and making my own judgments about her actions. Who did I think I was? Sure, I felt bad for her when she pushed herself. There had to be limits on her for that. That was up for her to decide, not me. I wasn’t the adult here. I wasn’t her parent. But as her brother, I needed to be her ultimate ally. Even if she was wrong, it wasn’t my place to give her a high-and-mighty lecture. I needed to walk down her path with her.
We had faced struggles and sadness together. We had faced remonstration from the world around us, but we persisted together in the face of it all. That’s exactly what Marie had done for me.
I mean, take magic for instance. We weren’t sure it existed, and yet she accepted it and accepted me. How could I even think of trying to stop her on her own path?
My previous rebuff basically rejected all of the kindness she’d shown me. How had I been so stupid to not realize my mistake?
I felt a surge of anger toward myself for not realizing this sooner.
“That’s not it,” Marie said. “I don’t feel that way.”
I looked up at her. “But you’ve always been so supportive of me. And I…”
“I mean, I did wonder a bit why you weren’t taking my side with Mom and Dad. But I know that you’re right. So, it’s fine. It’s okay.”
No, it wasn’t. I didn’t think it was at all, but apparently that wasn’t what was on Marie’s mind. No, it had to be a part of it, but she was keeping it bottled up. It was bothering her—she just wasn’t aware of it yet.
“So, uh, then, what is it?” I didn’t know what I wanted to say. I wanted to ask her if she was mad at me, but that didn’t feel right. She didn’t act mad at me when we usually talked. She wasn’t deliberately distancing herself from me. For some reason, it had become harder for me to be close to her. Her attitude had changed since then.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Marie said. “I think I’m just a little jealous.”
“Jealous?”
“I’m your big sister, Shion. It’s my job to protect you. I’ve helped you out and worked on my sword fighting. I thought I’d be able to protect you, even from a monster. But I couldn’t. I was terrified. My legs were quaking and I lost all my strength. And because I couldn’t do anything…Mom…I…” Marie wrapped her arms around herself.
Understandably, the goblin attack had traumatized her. The feelings of fear and powerlessness must have been overwhelming. Marie considered herself strong with a sword. No person could remain composed in the face of such a monstrous opponent, and she couldn’t overcome the memories of that day.
“I thought I was going to die,” she said. “Then Mom saved me. I got so confused. I couldn’t stop screaming. We all would’ve died if not for you, Shion. I’m happy that we survived, but every time I remember what happened to Mom, I get angry at myself for being so powerless. Plus the fact that you protected me even though I’m supposed to be protecting you. I just can’t forgive myself.”
“Do…do you hate me?”
Marie shook her head and stomped toward me.
“Hate? I could never hate you! You’re my brother, and I’ll never stop loving you. I can’t forgive myself, though, and I’m jealous that you were so strong. I am mad that I’m weak, and then I get even more mad at myself for being jealous of you. So, I need to get stronger. Then I’ll be able to get back on my feet and become who I think I am.”
I saw that her hands were stained red from gripping the sword all day. Those hands must have been so raw and sore.
“That’s why you’ve been training so much?” I asked.
“Yes. I know its unhealthy to keep going on like this. Whenever I think I should stop, then I remember that day, and how jealous I feel when I see you. I can’t shake all that off.”
“Marie…”
Children don’t just stumble through life. They have real hopes and feelings like adults do. I had forgotten that somehow. When I was a kid, I didn’t take much seriously, but I still had my own worries and difficult times.
Despite Marie’s age, she had gone through a fierce battle with the cruel world we lived in. Her courage and integrity pierced me to my very soul. Taking control of my overflowing emotions, I channeled them and drew Marie to me. I hugged her then and there.
“Sh-Shion…?”
“I’m sorry for not noticing, Marie,” I said. “I knew that you were upset about something, but I was just too scared that you were mad at me. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t by your side.”
Marie was still a bit taller than me. I held her tight. Eventually, she put her hand on my back and clutched on to me. Finally, I felt like we had understood one another.
“I should apologize too,” Marie said. “I haven’t been very nice. I’m sorry for that.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “You can take it out on me. Whatever you need to express, I’m there for it.”
Silently, Marie held me in her arms.
It didn’t matter if we were kids or adults. We were all trying our best to live. It was one of the biggest things I had learned being reborn in this world.
I couldn’t see her face, but I heard occasional gasps of weeping. I knew just how she felt. We both stood in silence, and held on to each other as if we needed the warmth of the other to even breathe. It was as if we couldn’t bear to let go. We stayed that way until we both felt better.
From that moment on, Marie stopped overdoing her training.