Wait—holy... Is this marijuana?
Hot sun shone down on the forest.
Like the book I bought at Comiket with a sweltering hot babe on the cover, this summer seemed like it was going to be wonderful. But my gaze and ambitions were riveted on the criminal plant before my eyes.
Moisture, the smell of grass, and bugsong. No other people around. I surveyed the area carefully before reaching out for the forbidden flora.
No doubt about it. This was the real thing.
Time to strike it rich. No, this was my chance to rule the world. Does this other world have drug culture? If not, then I’m the kingpin starting today. A young gangster moving up in the world through the power of dope.
I used my subweapon, a short sword, to harvest as much as I could. A crazy smile crept over my face, and my heart pounded out a crazy beat.
Corruption, pleasure—a life of high leisure—set on my mark, I’m about to join the dark. The summer of my boyhood is over today—get a taste for violent crime and live authentically. That’s right—a cool new me. Starting right now the rest of y’all are zeros. Why’s that you say? Cuz baby, I’m the hero. Your dawg Endless Crimson Rain’s about to go viral. Smoke the weed he grows and you’ll be seeing spirals. Buddha on the Ganges cracking up on grass. Getcher rope ’n roach—you’ll be flat on your ass. Welcome to the other-world underground. Here Chiba’s God, so ya better bow down.
Endless Crimson Rain’s about to go viral (chorus fade out).
“Oh, boldgrass. I can wash as many pairs of panties as I want! Thanks.”
When I made a sweaty return and showed off the marijuana to Haru, who was doing laundry out behind the brothel, she said something nutty.
Panties? What is she talking about?
“Look, there’s a picture of the leaf on the detergent container, even. If you take it to the manufacturer, they’ll process it for you. It’s cheaper than buying it premade.”
“Wait, you gotta be shitting me. It’s just soap? I busted my ass gathering this in the hot sun! I wrote an underworld theme song! No fair.”
“That’s not my problem. More importantly, I can have this, right? I’ll share it with everyone. You really did us a favor. Love flavor!”
With that fucking irritating rhyme, Haru took the boldgrass previously known as marijuana.
I couldn’t believe it. What an absurd other world this is. Why use marijuana on underwear? Is this airport customs?
Agh. Nothing goes my way in this world. What does it even exist for?
Should I just go home, rub one out, and sleep? Just as I was thinking that, I sensed a presence and stopped in my tracks. How long has that thing been there?
A mystery creature was eating the boldgrass leaves I’d dropped with what seemed like its mouth. I got into combat stance out of habit, but the creature didn’t look up from the grass. It just kept rubbing itself on the ground, munching.
It was weird to call it a creature, but it was too odd-looking to be a demon. It was far enough beyond comprehension to give even a seasoned adventurer like myself pause, yet its shape was quite familiar.
I drew my sword and poked at it. It gave a thin little cry like an insect and wriggled around on the ground. It was about the size of a big puppy and not scary at all. On the contrary, its form even inspired affinity and affection.
It was a virgin monster.
Mama Lupe had told me of these legendary creatures that inhabit the depths of the forest. But this one seemed sadder than the ones in the stories. It left nothing to the imagination.
Did it follow the scent of the boldgrass? In other words, did I accidentally bring it here?
That would be bad. It’s a crime to bring live monsters into the city. On paper, anyhow.
It’s prohibited, but I’d heard about them being traded on the black market.
That is, I figured this was another chance to strike it rich. I could just sell this funny creature.
Then first things first: I had to get it out of there. Haru would be back. I gingerly scooped it up. The warmth and softness made it feel insanely like the real thing.
Holding it up to my crotch was a total riot. Meh-heh-heh. How stupid.
Then, still holding the monster there, I locked eyes with a girl who poked her head out of the shed.
“What a gigantic dick!”
That was how she and I met.
She was so curious about the virgin monster that she wouldn’t leave me alone. When I told her I’d be in trouble if it was found, she said we should hide it and led me into the dilapidated shed.
“I have things I want to hide, too, so I come here a lot. I love animals, but I’m not allowed to have pets in my room, so I used to keep them here. There’s alcohol and whatever, but in the back it’s all stuff that never gets used, so you can hide anything.”
She boasted that it was usually locked, so she went in and out by squeezing through a wall. That’s great, and also when she went in ahead of me, I could see her panties. Thanks for that.
“If Dick doesn’t have anywhere to go, let’s keep him here. I’ll take care of him.”
She beamed as she stroked the thing. She really does seem to like animals, but sorry, this is my catch. I have no intention of giving him away.
“Nah, I can keep him at my house, so it’s fine. Once there’s no one around, I’ll take him home.”
“Huh?” She glared at me with her eyes and their big long lashes.
Wait a sec. She was actually kinda cute—although her attitude and that mouth seemed hard to deal with—maybe she wasn’t my type after all. And she would overlap with Haru, anyhow.
“But hey, this is a creature from the forest right? Isn’t it illegal or something to bring them back here alive? I could report him...”
“Uh, but, there are black markets and things...”
“You’re a customer here, aren’t you? And you’re one of those, right? You seem like one of Lupe’s. Yeah, I bet you call her Mama. Am I wrong?”
I gulped. Can you really tell that by looking? What is it we all have in common?
She grinned and leaned toward me. She was suddenly so close that I panicked a bit and pulled away.
“Maybe I should tell Lupe. She hates this sort of thing.”
Seriously, nothing in this other world goes how I want it to.