Just then, I saw Akira stand up from his seat. I held my breath.
“Lift your head, Tsuru-san,” he said, smiling as he put his arm around her shoulders. “You’ve been so good to us these past few months. Thanks to your delicious cooking, we’ve been able to endure our rigorous training and hone our bodies. We’re forever grateful to you. Please take care of yourself—you deserve a long and healthy life.”
She nodded over and over, her shoulders trembling. Worried she might be crying, I dashed out into the dining area despite myself and wrapped my arms around her.
“Oh, my… Yuri-chan, what’s the matter?” she said with a chuckle.
She wasn’t crying just yet—but her eyes were filled to the brim with tears.
I couldn’t say a word. I just buried my face in her chest. I didn’t want the men to see me this disheveled—I didn’t want to dampen their spirits, when I knew this would be their last night on Earth. But it was too late. The vibe in the mess hall had already shifted. Now, even a few of the soldiers were hanging their heads, trying to choke back their own tears.
Then, as if on cue, Ishimaru rose from his seat and chimed in.
“Now that my bill has come due, I figure I’ve probably got a good forty years of life left I won’t be able to cash in,” he said with a cheery grin. “When I meet Lord Enma in the afterlife, I’ll be sure to ask him to credit any remaining balance to you, Tsuru-san—so you won’t have to worry about dying until you’re at least a hundred or so.”
Hearing this, Akira sputtered out a laugh.
“Wait, are you not planning to join us in heaven, Ishimaru?” he said. “You know Lord Enma is the King of Hell, right?”
“Wait, really?!” said Ishimaru. “Aw, shoot!”
As Ishimaru scratched his cheek in embarrassment, the other men all burst out laughing. And just like that, the tension in the room disappeared once again. I could tell Ishimaru and Akira were joking around with each other to lighten everyone else’s mood. They were kindhearted and considerate like that—and it pained me deeply that such decent, upstanding young men were being sent to their graves for no reason.
“…Well, we should probably be on our way,” said Teraoka, the oldest.
At his suggestion, all the other men began rising from their seats.
“Thanks for the meal, Tsuru-san. It was delicious.”
“Yeah. Glad you were the chef for our last supper.”
“No kidding. Now I can really die with no regrets.”
“You realize that just makes you sound like a total pig, right?”
“Don’t worry—I’m sure you can gorge yourself as much as you want in the next life too.”
And so, the soldiers all got up to leave, making lighthearted banter with each other as they left. Hearing them joke about “the next life” with their deaths all too real and imminent sent a pang of indescribable dread straight through my chest.
These men were all fully prepared to die. They’d already come to terms with it. Most likely, their resolve had been hardened for this turn of events since long before they got their sortie orders. Maybe even since before they volunteered to be kamikaze pilots in the first place.
How tragic was that? Having to live your last few months on Earth knowing your death could be coming any day? While I still refused to dignify kamikaze attacks as a valid warfare tactic, I couldn’t help but admire the bravery and determination of these men.
“…Thank you, everyone,” I said, lowering my head alongside Tsuru. “It’s been a pleasure to serve you… You’ve all been so welcoming and kind. I truly appreciate it…”
I lowered my head even deeper in gratitude and held it there for quite some time. When at last I lifted my gaze again, I found myself completely surrounded by gentle smiles.
“If anything, we should be thanking you, Yuri-chan.”
“Yeah—your smiling face has really brightened our days.”
“You know, I never had a little sister… But if I did, I’d want her to be as sweet and adorable as you.”
“Hey, easy there, greedy! Yuri-chan’s a little sister to all of us, remember!”
One by one, the men patted me on the head as they filed out of the building. Some of them just gave me a light pat, while others petted me like a small puppy, and still others ruffled my hair as if they were intentionally trying to mess it up. By the end, the men had all turned to laugh at me as I stood there with my hair completely disheveled.
Before long, my eyes were filled to the brim with tears.
Akira, of course, was the last one to go.
“…Akira,” I said, my voice trembling and hoarse.
He just snickered a little, then gave me two little pats on the head.
“You really are a crybaby, Yuri,” he said. “You know that?”
“…I’m not crying,” I said.
“Not yet, maybe. But—call it a hunch—I think you’re about to.”
Even when he teased me, his voice was so soft and gentle.
I could feel the tears spill over and start streaming out.
“Well, I guess this is it,” said Akira. “Try not to get into too much trouble after I’m gone, okay?”
I was sobbing so hard, I couldn’t even speak.
This is goodbye, I thought to myself. I’ll never see him again.
“Take care of yourself, Yuri…” he said—then turned and walked away.
Tsuru took my hand and pulled me outside with her to see them off.
We watched their silhouettes grow smaller and smaller beneath the pale moonlight as they headed back to the base for the very last time. You wouldn’t know it just from looking at them, though, the way they were chatting cheerfully and making little japes as they walked, their arms around each other’s shoulders. Akira was the only one left in silence, bringing up the rear and walking a few paces behind the others.
Was this it? Was this really where we said farewell?
Would I really never see him again after this moment?
No—I couldn’t let it end like this. I simply, plainly refused.
Before I knew it, I’d let go of Tsuru’s hand and broken into a full-on sprint.
“Akira… Akira!” I cried—as some of the men walking near the back of the group turned to look. But as they saw me run straight over to Akira, they walked on ahead, pretending not to have noticed. Unable to slow myself down after reaching him, I practically jumped into him, but he caught me in his arms.
“Don’t go…” I said, burying my face in his chest. “Don’t go… Don’t go… Don’t go… Please, don’t leave me… You can’t die… I can’t bear to never see you again… Can’t bear for this to be the last time we ever speak…”
I threw my arms around his back and clung to him as tight as I could.
“You can’t do this to me… Don’t leave me behind…”
I could feel his arms wrap gently around me, as he enveloped me in his body heat—that warmth I knew and loved. He rubbed my back.
“Please, Akira…” I said. “Don’t go…”
But my words lingered in the air before being scattered away by the summer night’s breeze. Crying, I lifted my head to see Akira’s face glowing in the moonlight. He was smiling, like always, but his brow was furrowed in discomfort.
I didn’t want to do this to him.
I didn’t want to cause him any distress.
I couldn’t say another word.
I pulled myself away gently.
“…Sorry, Akira,” I said. “I shouldn’t have said that…it was selfish…”
“Yuri…” he replied.
Wiping my tears away with both hands, I gazed up at him.
A bit further down the road, I could see Ishimaru at the back of the group, casting a glance over his shoulder to see how things were going. I couldn’t hold Akira back any longer; I didn’t want to inconvenience the others.
I squeezed his hands tightly and looked him in the eyes.
“…Thank you for always coming to my rescue,” I said. “If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t be standing here today. So thank you—truly.”
He narrowed his eyes, as if what I had said pained him somewhat.
So, for once, I smiled at him instead. It didn’t come nearly as naturally for me as it did for him—but I gave him the brightest, broadest smile I could muster.
“You should go, Akira,” I said. “They’re all waiting for you.”
“…Yuri,” he said.
“Thanks for everything. Now, get going.”
He grabbed my wrists and pulled me close, then wrapped me in his arms again. This time, he gripped me more tightly than he’d ever embraced me before—it was almost hard to breathe. I could feel his breath hot against my neck as he whispered in my ear.
“Yuri… Yuri,” he said. “I’m so sorry… Thank you…”
He gave me one more tight squeeze, then gently let me go before turning his back to me, jogging off to join his comrades. I stood there in the middle of the street, watching until his silhouette disappeared into the darkness.
The next morning, I waved Tsuru goodbye as she headed off to the airfield.
“Okay, then… I’ll see you later, Yuri-chan,” said Tsuru.