As per usual, at the end of February, I celebrated my birthday. I had no particular feelings about getting older, but this year’s birthday was going to be a little bit different from the previous.
“Yo!”
I looked over at the source of the distant voice to see my brother waving at me from near a station wagon. Sanae and I approached from where we’d been standing alone in front of the local train station, cringing at my brother’s enthusiasm.
“Sorry to keep ya! Pleased to meet you, I’m Kaya’s big brother.”
He offered me a half-baked apology and greeted Sanae with a smile. Sanae, a well-rounded member of society, put her bag on her shoulder and clasped her hands together in front of her, bowing deeply.
“Pleased to meet you. I’m Sunou Sanae. Thank you for coming out here to meet us.”
“Not a problem at all,” said my flirt of a brother, escorting her to the back seat. As his younger brother, I was horribly embarrassed, but I climbed obediently into the car as well.
As it happened, the actual day of my birthday fell on the weekend, and it was also one of Sanae’s days off, so we decided to drop in at my family’s home for a visit. The purpose of our visit was to introduce Sanae to my family and to pay my respects at my mother’s altar since the anniversary of her passing was the week before. I told Sanae that she really didn’t have to come, but it was of her own volition that this day had become our shared reality. The two of us had work first thing tomorrow, so we weren’t staying the night, just having lunch with the family. All I really needed to do was put on a vague smile and survive this encounter, but all day she had been ribbing me, “None of your business smiles, Kaya. When I see that face it makes me feel like you’re about to call me Saitou again.” There was really no arguing with her.
My brother chatted with Sanae for the whole car ride. Sanae indulged him in her cheerful Sanae-like way: “We were classmates in high school.” “I work at a radio station.” “I can’t believe how easy you are to talk to! Not like this guy.” I had no idea what face to make that wasn’t a forced smile, so I just watched the scenery rolling by.
When we arrived at the house, my father, who had been waiting goodness knows how long, was out front, holding a cat he had recently adopted. Sanae received a warm welcome from my smiling father and was led down the path to the front door like some kind of princess.
We took off our shoes, washed our hands, and moved to the living room, where I was taken aback to find my maternal grandparents waiting. My father’s parents had already passed, so they of course weren’t here.
Sanae greeted both my grandparents, then asked if it would be all right for her to pay her respects at the altar as well. Naturally, she wasn’t refused, and the two of us went to the altar together.
I felt no particular sadness about my mother’s passing, but thinking about it, I wondered what sort of different conversations I would have with my mother now if she were still alive.
On the low table in the living room was more food than six people could feasibly eat. There was sushi that was probably takeout and a large platter piled with vegetable nimono and karaage that my grandmother had probably made. The minute that Sanae and I took our seat on one of the sofas that surrounded the table, my father started fidgeting with something.
“Sanae-san, do you drink?”
“Like a fish!”
At her enthusiastic reply, my father happily produced a bottle of liquor from somewhere. Though I rolled my eyes at this, wondering if he had mistaken this for a marriage announcement, I partook as well.
The luncheon proceeded without a hitch. At least both Sanae and my family seemed to be having fun. The conversation jumped back and forth as we talked about our work, life in the city, my mother, and what Sanae thought of me.
“He’s as cute as a baby.”
My family grinned in delight at this evaluation, which felt half like an insult to me. Please look after our boy, my father said, bowing his head. I really should’ve just let the whole conversation slide past my ears, but there was one thing I couldn’t ignore; heartfelt words from my father that sounded as though they referred to both Sanae and perhaps my mother.
“You’ve gotta cherish a good woman like that, Kaya.”
“…Yeah, I do.”
I swallowed the food that was in my mouth and then gave a proper reply.
“I hope that I can spend my time doing something for Sanae, no matter how little.”
My father, brother, and Sanae all appeared shocked.
Once the meal was over, we enjoyed some coffee with teacakes that my brother had brought. As it turned to evening, we informed them that we were going to stop in at Sanae’s house, and the day’s meeting ended.
I received some simple souvenirs, was made to promise that I would bring Sanae back again, and together, the two of us left the Suzuki household. There was a fair distance between my family’s home and hers, but we decided to walk. Sanae politely declined my brother’s offer to drive us there, saying it would be nice to walk around our old streets while we were here.
Sanae’s home was in the so-called former foothills. The place was completely built up now, leaving no traces of the old days no matter where we looked.
“Is this where you used to go running?” she asked as we walked side by side. I nodded.
“Yeah. There were some nice slopes.”
“Was the bus stop out this way too?”
“Yeah, it was.”
With only that, the two of us walked in silence. After a little while, we came to a group of condos that had not been there in the past, passing by a group of frolicking children who probably lived there. We stepped into the empty street to avoid a woman coming toward us, pushing a stroller down the narrow sidewalk. As we passed her by, I happened to glance at her face and froze, but I didn’t call out, nor did I even let my face show that I had noticed anything.
Deep down, ever since that day, I had thought of her by her real name. I prayed in the bottom of my mind that this girl, who in some ways resembled me, was doing well. I practically heard a “God, you’re gloomy,” from somewhere.
“Hey, Kaya-kun,” Sanae said to me as we passed through the complex.
“Yeah?”
“What was that about? What you said earlier?”
I looked at her as we walked and saw her looking back at me.
“Don’t go thinking you’re gonna live for me just because you’ve got nothing left. I don’t want that.”
Sanae kept walking. I kept in pace with her, as I had been.
“I can’t hope to understand everything about you, and I can’t affirm every part of you. All I can do is walk beside you.”
She stopped, the corners of her mouth raised. I halted as well, looking her firmly in the eye.
“I want us to live just looking at one another like this, sometimes holding hands, occasionally even sharing the same thoughts. And then, someday, we’ll die. I realize now that that’s not so bad,” she said, and she started walking again. I followed behind her, then moved up to her side.
So many thoughts ran through my head as I thought about what she said. Perhaps there was a version of me who wasn’t ashamed of the things he treasured, somewhere down the road she described.
“This is where the rest of our life starts, after all.”
“I sure hope so.”
I nodded. She poked me in the side, and I turned my head to look at her, simply glad to see that she didn’t seem sad. As long I could be happy about that, I prayed, everything would be all right.
I finally realized that I wasn’t yet ready to give a name to those days ahead.