It had been about two weeks since the new year began. My world had fully returned to normal, our days back to their old routine as well. Or rather, given that Sanae normally didn’t get a New Year’s vacation, and I typically didn’t do much traveling home to begin with, there were no major changes.
“Let’s go to that place again tonight. I want dashimaki.”
On Saturday, as I was cooking myself lunch, I received a message from Sanae. I sent right back a simple “OK.” I was already in the middle of making some tamagoyaki, but that was fine. Tamagoyaki and dashimaki were different dishes.
She had probably sent the text on the spur of the moment, as evidenced by the lack of any emoji.
I set my finished lunch atop the table and turned up the volume on the new radio I had purchased the other day. The show that Sanae was in charge of was about to begin.
The moment the final digit on my digital clock turned to zero, the radio emitted a mechanical sound that slowly shifted into the pleasantly familiar background music. The female host gave a lively greeting along with the current date and time, followed by her name. I started on my salad as I listened to her opening monologue. I recalled Sanae talking about how much work it was to put together these monologues.
Today’s topic was a friend who had gotten back together with a former boyfriend. As I listened, I half wondered if this had been inspired by Sanae—but was embarrassed by my own self-importance when this didn’t seem to be the case.
As I listened to the love lives of complete strangers, nibbling on some boiled broccoli, I thought about how many things were going on everywhere in the world. A lot of things were going on with us too, now that we were dating again. Our story wasn’t interesting enough for us to submit to a radio show, but after some discussion, things had ended up this way. Everything seemed to be going pretty smoothly for us on the surface, but Sanae continued to tease me relentlessly with, “Um, so tell me about this Saitou again?”
Obviously, in getting back together, what was most important was how Sanae felt about me. Just as she had said to me that night, she still wanted to see more of me. “You’re so stupid it’s cute,” she added.
I wasn’t merely going with the flow this time when I swallowed my guilt and accepted her proposal. It wasn’t a lie that I enjoyed seeing Sanae at her fiercest, nor a lie that I found her attractive as a member of the opposite sex. I had started to think that, if there was any point from now to the end of my days, it was the simple fact that perhaps I could become someone meaningful. Even if it was for a brief, fleeting moment, it would at least be while I was together with Sunou Sanae. I’d thought that this was an awfully self-centered point of view, but when I told her, she was surprisingly thrilled.
“People can change,” she said, though I still couldn’t fully believe it myself. I didn’t think that my own bland life could change that easily after so many unremarkable years, but I planned to keep building up a present where I at least wanted to believe it.
“Speaking of people changing…”
As I wallowed in a rather strange mood, Sanae made a face like she wanted to reveal something to me, perhaps to clear the heavy atmosphere that had taken over the place. I was looking forward to this reveal, but at the same time I was nervous. It was the same sort of face she had when she told me how much she had hated me.
“Did you notice I got some work done on myself?”
“H-huh?”
I made an odd noise. I stared at her face but could see no stitches or seams. I hadn’t noticed.
“I hated my face. I got a bit done before I started looking for work. My parents still keep sniping that if they don’t see me regularly, they’ll forget what I look like.”
“I hadn’t noticed, but uh, I guess I actually didn’t recognize you at first.”
“Yeah. I figured that you wouldn’t remember me regardless, so I had to push pretty hard.”
To my surprise, she revealed that she had in fact recognized me at the station back home, but she couldn’t work up the courage to speak to me, so she had just ridden the train the whole time in silence.
I didn’t feel bad in the slightest that she had kept this from me. She was grasping her own path with her own two hands. That was a wonderful thing. Just as she had changed her own face because she hated it, I now believed that it was fine if I one day became someone who could no longer face Chika.
Even though I might forget that feeling too someday.
When I finished lunch, it was still early in the radio show. After cleaning up my dishes, I opened my laptop and began working on the task I had been assigned. My job transfer ended up getting postponed, and Sanae was still working at the station. She said that she intended to keep this job until she found an answer that she could accept. Wherever she ended up, she hoped to walk in the direction that her own determination pointed her.
After the radio host finished reading e-mails that had been sent in, it was time for the music requests. In between were some commercials and pre-recorded interviews with artists, but for the most part the program was made up of messages from listeners. Now and then I thought about writing in to hear some song I had heard long ago.
“Up next is a request from a listener who calls themself ‘Look Look.’ Hello, Himura-san! Yes, hello there! I’d like to request the new song from ‘Her Nerine,’ called ‘Silhouette.’ This song is the best; it always feels like there’s suddenly this great big hole in my life. It makes me wanna cry to think that there’s someone in this world who could sing a song like this. You’ve gotta play it! So actually, we’ve gotten a lot of requests for this song. Obviously, I’m a huge Nerine fan, but I seriously can’t wait to hear this one live. All right everyone, listen up! Here’s ‘Silhouette’ by ‘Her Nerine.’”
I didn’t think much of it when the music started playing, nor when the lyrical intro kicked in. It wasn’t especially good or bad. I still wasn’t capable of making much more than objective judgments about music. I figured it was something I would have to grow into, like a baby would.
That was how I listened to this song, “Silhouette.” It was when the female vocalist started singing that the problem occurred.
When I say that there was trouble with this radio show, I don’t mean that there was interference in the radio waves or anything. It was me. The problem was with me. When I realized it, I stood up, staring at the radio, almost forgetting to breathe.
I knew those haunting lyrics. I knew not a single thing about this band or this song, but I knew those words with all my heart.
It was a song that had once been breathed into my ear in a dark bus stop.
Hearing the words, all I could think of was that song.
What was going on? They had just said that this was a new release, hadn’t they? Wasn’t this…a song from Chika’s world?
I stood for a while in stunned silence, thinking for the first time in so very long about the connection between her world and ours.