Lately, as I ran, I started thinking more concretely about what I could get out of Chika to make my life something special. You could even say I was posing this question to myself as a challenge.
It was difficult for me to experience any of her culture via taste or smell, and sight was out of the question from the beginning. That left only sound and touch—but simply touching something wasn’t enough to stir my heart. Thus, I had no choice but to use my ears, words, and thoughts. Using those, perhaps Chika could tell me the teachings of the religions of her world. I couldn’t imagine myself as some sort of religious fanatic, but I couldn’t rule out the possibility that learning some new religious philosophy might give me the power to change my own worldview or perhaps even the entire world around me.
Of course, as was evidenced by my attempts to change the ways of warfare, there were limits to what a high school student could do. It would require a tremendous amount of time and ability to actualize such a thing. It was too dangerous to stake it all on a single idea.
It would be far more effective if I could simply bombard Chika with questions and receive the answers, but I obviously couldn’t do that. Still, I didn’t want to ruin a good time.
What an inconvenient feeling it is to see someone else as something valuable.
Before I met Chika, if I had a goal in mind, I could ignore any worries I had about being disliked. Perhaps I did once feel it more acutely, but when I broke up with Izumi, I was perfectly able to ignore that feeling once I realized I was faking it and decided what to do, just as I was perfectly fine with the fact that everyone at my junior high stopped wanting to talk to me. My objectives came above all other things. My relationships with others changed once I started high school, but everyone else was just as basic a person as I was. I kept living only for my own goals, no matter what anyone else thought.
But I couldn’t live like that any longer.
How stupid of me to start thinking of a relationship itself as my objective. However, the fear that I felt at the thought of being cut off from Chika was real. Whether or not she was a resident of another world, this was stupid. Knowing that, I should have been able to cleanse myself of those fears. Yet I still couldn’t force myself to twist this away with the strength of my resolve.
“Heyo.”
As I ran, deep in thought, I arrived at Tanaka’s house. I called out to the dog, Allumi, who trotted up to my feet as always. I took a single step into the backyard, reaching out my hand to pet it. I had stopped feeding the dog out of concern for its health, but I had instead started calling to the animal.
I stooped down and offered my hand. I didn’t dislike dogs. I thought the fools who thought pet ownership gave their life significant meaning idiotic, but that wasn’t at odds with my finding dogs cute.
I wished I could separate these thoughts from my thoughts of Chika, but I apparently couldn’t manage to think that way.
That way…
…
“Hm?”
That way?
What way?
I held Allumi’s front paws as the dog stood up to greet me, frozen to the spot.
Just then, something terrifying passed right by my heart. I inhaled, and exhaled, and watched the retreating form of that something.
Regardless of my opinions or intentions, I thought that Allumi was cute. Even when I had no interest in food, I still thought doughnuts were delicious. Even if I didn’t enjoy running in and of itself, it still gave me a rush. It had nothing to do with my objectives, or being special, or the things I wanted to achieve, or what I wanted to accomplish with my life. It didn’t matter why we had met, nor whether we could manipulate anything with our intent.
I thought of Chika.
I thought.
“Ah,” I unconsciously gasped. For the first time ever, Allumi let out a little bark in front of me, perhaps startled—I realized I was gripping the dog’s paws too tightly. “Sorry…”
The words were directed toward Allumi, and yet all of my self—my entire being—was contained within that apology. Sweat poured from my whole body, yet it had nothing to do with the exercise. My temperature was rising. I wanted to scream at these emotions, but I held back. I dug up, dragged out, and turned all the memories in my head upside down.
How? Where the hell did these come from? When?
In the process of checking and discarding every recollection in turn, I remembered.
When I spoke to Chika about Izumi, I had felt something. The way my heart beat. That floating sensation.
That thing—that was—that’s a…this is…this feeling…
An emotion that couldn’t be twisted by opinions or intention had started to bud.
“…No way.”
There was no one here to contradict me. As though to aid in giving birth to this great new feeling, something other than the tedium that always lingered in my heart, I let out a groan that pierced my whole body. I steeled myself against being overtaken by these emotions. It felt like they were draining the blood from my brain.
This emotion.
No, that wasn’t it.
This was something else.
This couldn’t be something directed at Chika herself. I should have felt nothing more than a trivial interest in a being from another world, a special being. That was how it should have been…
And yet.
If…if that were the case, if that should be, if that was how it was, this was bad.
I would be the one getting in my own way.
Of course…if I was honest, I could see one lucky thing in all of this, if a small one. This would be my salvation: Even if these feelings were truly for Chika, they would never go anywhere. After all, Chika could not understand them. No matter what words I used, I would never be able to properly convey it.
Chika would never see the true shape of the feelings that were likely growing inside of me.
For that, I was truly grateful.