I put my hands together and close my eyes.
My thoughts are my own, and I send them to you.
Forgive me for my thoughts now. For my prayers.
I’m going to start with a complaint, because that’s what I do.
This hasn’t been easy. This isn’t as easy as you said; as it was for you.
Interacting with other people isn’t easy.
It’s hard. It really is.
That’s why this has taken me a year, although I admit I’m partly to blame.
But I made my choices, and I’ve come this far now. I hope that you’ll approve.
One year ago, I made a choice to become a person like you—a person who could get to know others; someone capable of love.
I don’t know if I’m there yet, but at least I made that choice.
After this, I’m going to your house together with your best friend—my first friend.
I wish it was the three of us going, but that’s not possible now. I’ll just do what I can. We’ll have to save that get-together for heaven.
If you’re wondering why your best friend and I are going to your house when you’re not there, I’m fulfilling a promise I made to your mother almost a year ago.
What took me so long, you ask? That’s what Kyōko-san said to me, too.
I have an excuse. The life I’ve led left me unequipped with the knowledge of certain things, like at what point you can call someone your friend.
And I believed taking Kyōko-san to your house wouldn’t count until we had become friends.
The only other relationship I could measure against was the one you and I shared.
After Kyōko-san told me she would never forgive me, we walked the path toward friendship one step at a time. The path was new to me, and even though she’s not a patient person, she patiently waited for me despite my faltering footsteps. I’m deeply thankful for her. She’s my best friend, although of course I’d never tell her that.
That’s where things stood when I took her to the place you and I went a year ago—although Kyōko-san and I didn’t stay overnight. That’s when I told her about the promise I made to your mother, and she got mad at me for not telling her sooner.
My friend does have a temper.
I’m leaving you a present I bought on that trip.
You’ll recognize it—it’s made from plums near the god of education’s home.
You’re still only eighteen, but I’ll look the other way. I tried a little—just a taste test—and it’s good stuff.
I hope you like it.
Kyōko-san is doing well. I guess you probably know that.
I am, too. So much better than before I met you.
After you died, I thought I’d been born to meet you.
But I didn’t believe your life’s purpose was to be needed by me.
Now, I think about us differently.
I believe our lives brought us to be together.
We weren’t enough on our own.
Our purpose was to provide what the other was missing.
At least, that’s how I’ve been thinking lately.
And now that you’re gone, I need to learn how to stand on my own.
That’s what I can do to honor the complete person we became together.
I’ll come back to visit you again. I don’t know what happens to people’s souls when they die, so I’ll repeat all this to your photograph in your house. If you don’t hear me either time, I’ll tell you in heaven.
Bye for now.
…
Oh, one more thing. I almost forgot. There’s something I never admitted to you.
I told you a lie.
In your book, you admitted how you cried, what you felt about me, and the lies you told. In the interest of fairness, I’ve decided I’d admit something to you.
Are you ready?
Do you remember how I told you about my first crush? That was a lie.
The girl who added “-san” to everything? I made her up.
I was going to tell you, but you seemed so moved by my story, I couldn’t do it.
Maybe I’ll tell you the real answer the next time we meet.
And if another girl like my true first crush comes into my life again…
Maybe that time, I’ll eat her pancreas.
✦ ✦ ✦
We descend the staircase, its white stone steps glittering under the harsh light of the relentless sun.
Ahead of me, Kyōko-san hums a song as her gym bag swings from her shoulder.
I catch up to my happy friend. Walking beside her, I name the song.
She looks embarrassed and thwaps me on the shoulder.
I laugh, then I look to the sky and say a thought just as it enters my mind.
“Let’s be happy.”
“Is that your way of confessing your love for me? On the way back from Sakura’s grave? Tacky.”
“Certainly not. I’m talking about in a bigger sense.” I grin. Taunting the girl who forgave me when others never could have, I add, “Besides, unlike some other guy, I’m into the quieter types.”
I immediately realize my mistake. But immediately is too late, and Kyōko-san tilts her head with suspicion. I swear I can see the question mark appear above her.
“Unlike what other guy?”
“Um, nope. Never mind that. I didn’t say anything.”
She watches me as I go through the rare experience of being flustered, and she thinks for a moment. Then the edges of her lips curl up, and she claps her hands. The clap makes a pleasant echo off the rocks, even if her smile is anything but.
I shake my head and plead, “Listen, I really didn’t mean to say that, so if you could just not tell him…”
“If you had more friends, I might not have known who it was. But really, him? Huh. I thought he was more into the quiet types.”
I thought so, too. After all, he’d told me so himself. I don’t know if his tastes changed, or if he’d been lying in the first place. It doesn’t really matter which, but for now I send him my sincere apologies. Sorry; next time, I’ll give you the gum.
Meanwhile, Kyōko-san is still smirking and muttering the occasional, “Huh,” and “Hmmm.”
I ask, “Are you glad?”
“Well, you know, it doesn’t feel bad to be liked by someone.”
“That’s good,” I say, for everyone involved, including my blundering self.
She adds, “But I don’t think I want to start dating anyone until after the college entrance exams.”
“Planning ahead, huh? I’ll let him know. Maybe that way he’ll want to study.”
We playfully needle each other as we walk down the stairs.
Suddenly, I hear laughter coming from behind. I turn my head so fast it nearly unscrews from my neck. Kyōko-san does the same. Wincing in pain, she brings her hand to her neck.
No one is behind us, of course.
Wind caresses my sweat-streaked face.
Kyōko-san and I turn to each other. Our eyes meet, and we laugh.
She says, “We’d better go to Sakura’s house.”
“Yeah, she’ll be waiting for us.”
We laugh again and continue down the long stairs.
I’m not afraid anymore.