Her words echoed in my head. What did she mean? Was she talking about what she was doing right now? Something she was about to do? Everything we’d done in the past? All three could be true. Nothing we had done was what we were supposed to do. I wasn’t supposed know about her illness. She wasn’t supposed to be spending the rest of her short life with a boy she didn’t like. Sharing a hotel room, me being in her bedroom—everything was something we weren’t supposed to be doing.
“This is a hug,” she said, apparently reading my thoughts. We were close enough to feel each other’s heartbeats. Maybe mine told her what I was feeling. Hers didn’t tell me the same. “What I’m not supposed to do is what’s next.”
I didn’t know how to act.
“With you, [???]-kun…”
I didn’t say anything.
“I can do something wrong.”
I had no clue how I should respond, but I used my free hand to remove her arm from my chest. I moved her to arm’s length, so I no longer felt her breathing and her heartbeat. But now I could see her face. Her cheeks were flushed deep red, and this time, she hadn’t been drinking.
When she saw my face, she looked surprised. I was shaking my head weakly, even if I didn’t know what I was rejecting.
Our eyes met. Silence clung to us.
I watched her expression. Her eyes darted back and forth before settling somewhere off to my side. Then the corners of her mouth slowly lifted, as if she were trying not to smile, and she looked at me.
Then she started laughing—first a snicker, unable to be contained, followed by a full-on roaring laugh. I didn’t join in.
“As if!” she said. She released my right arm, brushed away my hand, and kept on laughing.
“Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed. That was a joke. A joke! Another prank. Don’t be so serious. You made me feel embarrassed.”
Her outburst left me dumbfounded.
She was still talking. “That took a lot of courage. To just throw myself at you like that, I mean. But a prank needs to be grounded in reality, you know? Yep, that took guts for me. And when you didn’t say anything, it was like you thought it was real. Did you get nervous? I’m glad I made sure you weren’t interested in me—otherwise that could have gotten too real just now! Well, I pulled it off anyhow. The prank only worked because it was you. Oh, what a thrill that was.”
For the first time since meeting her, I felt true anger at her. I didn’t understand why this was what finally triggered that reaction, but it had.
The girl was still talking, as if to chase away the embarrassment she’d brought upon herself. The rage I felt slowly took form inside me, until it was more than could be melted away on its own.
Who did she think I was? I felt like she was making a mockery of me. Maybe she was.
If this was what associating with other people was like, then I had been right to never want to socialize with anyone. They could all get a pancreatic disease and die for all I cared. Then I had an even better idea: I would eat all their pancreases. I was the only righteous one.
I put my hands on her shoulders and pushed her onto the bed.
She shouted, but I didn’t hear. Anger had blocked all sound from my ears.
I pressed her upper body to the bed, then let go of her shoulders and grabbed her arms, holding her there. My mind was blank. I wasn’t thinking anything.
When she realized what had happened, she wriggled a little bit to try and get free, but she soon gave up and looked up at my face, now casting its shadow upon her. I still didn’t know what my expression must have looked like.
Sounding confused, she said, “[Boy I’m Getting along With]-kun? What are you doing? Let go. You’re hurting me.”
I said nothing. I just looked her in the eyes.
“That was just a little joke,” she said. “I was only playing around, like I always do.”
I didn’t know what would satisfy my anger. I couldn’t comprehend myself.
While I remained mute, her expressive face went through a range of emotions she’d learned to display over a lifetime of social interactions.
She grinned. “Ah ha,” she said, “you’ve decided to play along with my joke. You’re a good sport. All right, that’s enough now, let me go.”
She started to look worried. “Come on, what’s wrong? This isn’t like you, [Boy I’m Getting along With]-kun. You don’t play tricks on people. Right? Let me go.”
She got angry. “Enough is enough! Do you think you can do this to a girl? Let me go now!”
I kept staring at her, my eyes as dispassionate as I could make them. She didn’t look away. As we gazed into each other’s eyes atop the bed, the scene was almost dreamlike.
Finally, she stopped saying anything. The loud rain outside her window sounded like condemnation. I could hear her breathing—I could even hear her blinks—and they seemed to be questioning me.
I kept staring at her, and she kept looking at me.
And then I saw it.
She had gone silent, her expression still, and tears had welled in her eyes.
As soon as I saw them, my anger vanished like it had never been there. I didn’t know where the emotion went; I didn’t even know where it came from.
In place of that bitter feeling came a growing regret.
Gently—as if that mattered now—I released her arms and stood. She looked up at me, bewildered. I don’t know how she looked after that, because I couldn’t bear to look at her again.
“Sorry,” I said. She didn’t answer. She remained on the bed, just as I’d pinned her there.
I picked up my things from the floor where I’d left them, then put my hand on the doorknob to escape.
“[Cruel Classmate]-kun…”
Hearing her voice from behind, I froze for a moment then replied with my back to her.
“I’m sorry. I’m going home.”
I opened the door to her bedroom, which I’d probably never see again. Walking quickly, I fled. Nobody chased after me.
Out in the rain, I took a few steps before realizing my hair was getting soaked. I calmly opened my umbrella before walking into the street. The scent of summer rain drifted up from the asphalt.
As I traced my path back to the school, I scolded the part of me that wanted to look over my shoulder. The rain was getting stronger, pouring now.
Now that my head had cooled, I thought about what had happened.
But no matter how long I thought, the only answer I found was regret and total disappointment in myself. What had I done?
I didn’t know that directing my anger at another person could hurt them so badly. I didn’t know it could hurt me so badly.