“Are you in love with him?”
“It’s not like that.”
At this I felt a rush of relief, but I would have to figure out why some other time.
“Listen, I…I know I’m being weird…”
“Yeah?” I nodded, preparing myself to hear whatever came next.
“But for some reason, I…I don’t want to think about my best friend getting with his crush. I don’t like Kyou-kun the way he likes Mickey—we’re just friends—but it just makes me so sad…and so I…I lied…”
Her voice was hard to hear, but I did my best to listen. Then she paused, and I waited for her to continue.
“I let Kyou-kun try my cookies, then lied about it and refused to share the secret ingredient. I knew my cookies were better, but I kept it from her to make sure hers would be worse. I don’t know why I was so cruel… I was just so scared…”
I wanted to say something. I racked my brain, looking for the perfect words. But in reality, the perfect words didn’t exist…because I didn’t understand how she felt. I had never been in her shoes.
Why would anyone be afraid of their friend’s love life going well? I couldn’t even imagine it. Was it because they wouldn’t spend as much time together or something? It wasn’t like they spent a ton of time together as is. Was it because Kyou wouldn’t think about her as much? It’d be weirder if he did!
Even if the two of them did grow apart somewhat, it wouldn’t change the fact that they were friends. As long as Kyou was happy, that was all that mattered. Romance was just another part of life, and there was nothing sad about it at all.
As I stood there in silence, Elle shook her head. “I’m sorry. I know it’s dumb, and I know I shouldn’t care, and I know it’s wrong, but…I’m sorry…”
“No, you don’t have to apologize—I’m sorry, too.”
I had nothing else to say.
“I’ve been trying to do something to fix it…so I tried distancing myself from him…but it hasn’t been working…”
Aha.
“I’m just scared… No matter how close we get, I’m scared he’ll abandon me…”
THAT’S your biggest fear?
She loved her friends so much. She worried so much about what they thought of her. This was no time for me to let my mind wander, and yet I couldn’t help but feel mildly impressed.
“I don’t know how to explain it, but…” She shifted her gaze to look at me, like she was searching for the words that eluded her. “I think it’s probably just me being paranoid… I’m sorry.”
Paranoia. Excess self-consciousness. Something she had that I lacked.
“I know I need to stop being so self-obsessed, and I want to change, but…”
Reflexively, I shook my head. “You’re fine the way you are.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. You’re fine the way you are,” I repeated automatically.
It was an unfiltered response to her statement, just like when we talked about life after high school like a few days ago. Once again, I wasn’t sure how I wanted her to interpret this. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I couldn’t find the right words to express them all.
Thinking about it, what I probably meant to say was this: You’re fine the way you are because you help us more than you realize.
For example, she got Mickey to finally take an interest in people who weren’t dumb jocks like her (and me, for the record). Mickey had never even contemplated the concept of refusing to go to school until Elle came along and taught her how to find common ground with someone who was different from her. She had broadened Mickey’s horizons.
As for Looney, Elle helped her change, too. Hard to believe someone like Looney would ever say “I can only hope she’ll open up to us about it someday.” Normally, everything she said had an underlying purpose or joke, but she stood to gain nothing from making that comment to me. It had been a true expression of her sincere feelings—something she’d probably never revealed to anyone but Mickey. Something that came from the softest depths of her heart. Real talk, ever since she became friends with Elle, Looney had really started to connect with the rest of the class.
As for Kyou, well, it went without saying. He was so happy to have Elle around—honestly, he probably related to her a lot more than he did to me. And when she found the strength to come back to school, he seemed to find his own courage, even if only a fraction.
In short, I wanted Elle to know that she had helped all of us simply by being herself. Besides, even I…
Once I arrived at my own feelings, I finally understood.
“I know I shouldn’t be like this… I’m sorry.”
“That’s not true, Elle.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No, it’s not.”
I had finally figured it out. Not how to ease her sadness, or how to fix her friendship with Kyou. By thinking about her, at long last, I had selfishly come to understand myself—why I was interested in her, what made her special to me.
“You don’t have to apologize for it.”
It was all so simple. Long story short, I was trying to learn from her—desperately trying to glean the knowledge only she could offer, just like Mickey and Looney and Kyou, hoping to one day find the humanity I never had.
“You’re not weird. You’re fine just the way you are.”
You see, I’d had one particular belated realization—about myself, not her.
As it turned out, I’d been repressing the sadness I felt over my last breakup. Sure, my ex was the one who’d asked me out in the first place, but I’d enjoyed being with her, and when she dumped me, I was crushed. I just tried to convince myself I wasn’t. I told myself it was what she wanted. But deep down, I always thought to myself, maybe if I had actually stopped to think about my own feelings, she would have stayed with me. Maybe then I never would have needed to pretend I was fine when I wasn’t.
I wanted to learn that it was okay to be sad, and I wanted someone like Elle to teach me. Someone as self-conscious as Kyou, but far more stubborn.
“Me and Mickey don’t see things the way you do,” I said.
Knowing Elle, she was worried that Kyou would forget about her completely…because she worried that if she would forget about him completely if their positions were reversed. If I’d been that self-aware, maybe my breakup wouldn’t have been so painful.
“So, no, you don’t need to change yourself. You’re unique the way you are, and you don’t have to apologize for it.”
It was the truth of how I felt. She was fine the way she was, and I didn’t want her to change—nothing more, nothing less. But of course, now that she had opened up to me, I knew that sentiment wouldn’t help her sort out her feelings whatsoever, so I continued.
“Basically, like…Mickey and I don’t think that way, so you don’t need to worry. If you told her what you told me, she’d just shrug it off. I mean, look at Looney! She’s a jerk to us all the time, but we’re still friends, y’know?”
“But I was trying to be mean…on purpose…”
“Okay then, just do something extra nice for her to make up for it! Bake her some more cookies or something, I dunno.”
“But what if I’m mean to her again?”
She wasn’t going to be easily persuaded. She was convinced that her sadness and fear would never truly go away. This was the same girl who, when being in the classroom became too much for her to bear, chose not to change classes but to remove herself instead. Not only was she stubborn, but she was determined, too.
I felt a strange, tight sensation in my chest, like trying to fit a square peg through a round hole.
“Well, uh, it’ll still work out! Trust me, I’ve known Mickey since junior high. I know what it takes to make her mad for real.”
“And I was cruel to Kyou-kun, too…”
“Kyou’s not the kind of guy who would hold it against you.”
“…Zuka-kun?”
“Yeah?”
“Haven’t you ever stopped to think about what your life would be like without Mickey?”
The sudden question caught me off guard. I contemplated it for a moment, but in the end, I still couldn’t see things her way.
“Can’t say that I have. Obviously, I’d never say this to her face ’cuz it’s cringey and all, but…we’ll always be friends, no matter what.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Sure I do.”