I wasn’t all-powerful. Sure, I could tell when people were happy, sad, angry, or amused, but I had no way of knowing what made them felt that way, nor how to solve it. And although life had taught me a lot in that regard, the rules were different for each individual person in my life, so it wasn’t easy.
Elle had left campus ahead of us, claiming she had an errand to run, but the dark mark over her head never once faded.
Sitting in the counselor’s office, I flipped through a college guidebook, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t get her darkness out of my mind.
“Hey there, my prince. Did you forget to make a pass at Miyazato-chan? …What’s that look for?”
“Nothing. I see you’re as loony as ever.”
“Woo-hoo,” Looney replied flatly, raising her arms in a less-than-genuine celebratory pose. Then she went back to sipping from her juice box. As usual, she had two pips floating over her head: an amusement-heart and a sadness-club. She was the only weirdo who always managed to have two at once.
“Is now really the time to kick back with a juice box? Don’t you have your parent-teacher conference today?”
“What, you jealous? Wanna sip from the same straw? Free indirect kiss, you know.”
“No thanks. I just ate, so I don’t need anything sugary.”
At this, she retracted her offered carton. “I bet you’d say yes if I were Miyazato-chan,” she remarked unhelpfully.
She would never make these sorts of jokes in public; she only said it because she knew no one would go out of their way to visit the counselor’s office after school. But whether I affirmed or denied her comments, she would only criticize me, so I stayed quiet.
Here in this empty room, with no teacher around to supervise us, I could hear her swallowing loudly, almost like she was doing it on purpose.
“For the record, I already finished my conference. I was going to visit the library, but then I saw Kyou and Miki-chan all buddy-buddy by themselves and decided not to interrupt. Why aren’t you with them?”
“Well, I was studying with Kyou, but then Elle left and Mickey showed up, so I figured I’d make myself scarce. Bro code, y’know. Besides, I wanted to borrow one of these college guidebooks anyway. Is that why you’re here?”
“Yeah, the teacher told me to pick a safety school just in case…not really, but I assume you’ll believe me.”
I had suspected that she probably saw me leave the library and decided to tail me all the way here, and apparently, I was right on the money. What a busybody, I thought to myself like a total hypocrite.
“So, how do you feel about Miyazato-chan?”
“I don’t know,” I answered sincerely, flipping through the guidebook without internalizing a single word that was written in it. But Looney didn’t seem to buy it.
“Really now,” she sighed. “And what will you do if someone steals her away while you’re still trying to figure it out, hmm?”
“Nothing I can do, is there?”
She let out another sigh. “Well, I suppose I’ll have to wait until entrance exams are over before I start worrying about that sort of thing. Everyone but me is such a tryhard… I know I shouldn’t be harping on Kyou to make any progress, but you never know when another anomaly will occur.”
“Yeahhhh…”
I knew what she meant by anomaly, and she wasn’t kidding.
No sense in hiding it, so I’ll explain. About three weeks ago, believe it or not, some guy from a different class asked Mickey out. Then, like a total monster, Looney went and told Kyou about it, and to say he was devastated would be putting it lightly. Personally, I would’ve liked her to save it until after our exams, but instead I was stuck thinking about how to keep him on track in case the worst-case scenario came to pass. Fortunately, however, it didn’t—Mickey turned the guy down, and Kyou went back to studying.
“I still don’t get why you did that. He would have been better off never knowing about it.”
“What if she’d said yes, then went and told Kyou the happy news? How do you think he would have felt?” With her juice box now empty, she poked me with her straw. “He has a right to know, and he needs to make a move. The worst regrets of all are those you’re helpless to do anything about.”
“Is that last part still about Kyou, or…?”
“Who knows.”
With a shrug, she spun on her heel and started walking. I figured she was headed back to the library, so I didn’t stop her. Instead, I went back to my book.
Then I heard her ask, “Let me guess: you have no idea why Miki-chan said no to that other guy, do you?”
I looked back over my shoulder to find her staring at me with a soft smile on her face—an uncommon sight.
“You really are clueless. But then again, I suppose love is blind.”
With those parting words, Looney left the counselor’s office…and right on cue, the counselor walked back in.
Meanwhile, the words you really are clueless smoldered in my gut.
The next day, it was my turn to have a parent-teacher conference. After school, I grabbed a meal with Kyou and settled down in the library for some studying. Then Looney joined us, followed by Elle, but no sign of Mickey—apparently, she had an errand to run.
Elle’s sadness-club was still there, although it seemed to have shrunk in the time since I saw it last. What was she so sad about? Surely she wouldn’t still feel guilty about the secret ingredient thing a full twenty-four hours later.
As we studied, the girl scheduled ahead of me came by to tell me it was my turn.
“Can you watch my stuff for me?” I asked Looney.
“I don’t know. I might eat it if I get too hungry.”
And so, I left my pencil case in her trusty hands.
When I arrived at the classroom, I found my mother standing there in the hallway, waiting for me. Together, we stepped inside. Then she greeted my teacher, and we all sat down.
Most of this lecture I had already anticipated. These are your worst subjects—study them harder. If you have lofty ambitions, you need to have a safety net in place. Blah, blah, blah. No disrespect to my teacher, but I spent the whole time thinking about Elle instead. Why was I so interested in her? And if I was in love with her or whatever, then what was I going to do about it?
Unfortunately, my only conclusion was that I was indeed clueless.
“If you’re dead set on traveling abroad, then you’ll need to put in the equivalent amount of effort,” my teacher explained with a smile.
“Don’t worry. When push comes to shove, I always pull through. Just you wait and see,” I replied, smiling back.
And so my conference ended on a high note, with no sadness-clubs floating over my mother’s head. I saw her off at the front entrance, told her I’d be home after I did a little more studying and then headed down the hallway to the library.
But I was so busy thinking, I didn’t notice Elle and Kyou walking my way until they were practically on top of me.
“Welcome back, Zuka. How’d it go?” Kyou asked, snapping me back to reality.
“Oh, hey, guys! I dunno. I was told I need to ‘study harder,’ and that’s all I really remember.”
“Thank God I’m not the only one.”
The two of us shared a laugh, and Miss Good Grades smiled pleasantly, though her sadness-club was ever-present.
“So, Elle, where are you two headed? And where’s Looney?”
“Huh? Oh, we were just on our way to buy some drinks. Looney’s still in the library. She hasn’t taken her eyes off your pencil case since you asked her to watch it for you.”
“Good grief, that nutjob.”
“Oh, c-come to think of it, you…you should come with us, Zuka-kun.”
It was just an ordinary, friendly invitation—I knew that. But normally Elle would never outright invite me along, so it made my heart skip a beat. Naturally, I agreed. A small joy-spade rose up next to her club.
Then, as we were walking down the hallway in the direction of the cafeteria, she initiated a conversation with me. Again, this was rare for her.
“You know, Zuka-kun, it’s amazing that you already have a career picked out.”
“Don’t you?”
“Mmmm… I’m not sure. I keep going back and forth, and the more I agonize about it, the less confident I feel… I wish I were like you.”