It was a peaceful moment in which no thinking was required—more than likely the first of its kind since this field trip began. But peace is always temporary, I thought to myself—I didn’t want to believe this about the world in general, but when it came to my personal peace, it certainly applied. And indeed, the end came swiftly and abruptly.
There was a knock at the door.
Though it was still a bit early for dinner, I figured it was one of the teachers again, so I opened the door, completely unaware and unprepared for the face I would see on the other side—and frankly, I wasn’t sure whether I managed to conceal my disgust in time.
“Hey, Looney, how you feeling?”
“Long time no see, my prince.”
“Oh, come on,” he laughed, just like always. Then he held up the travel guide in his hands. “This is for you. We have a lot of updates, so I wanted to let you know since I’m your group leader…or so I told the teachers, anyway. Real talk, everybody’s worried sick, so I came here on their behalf to check on you. Can I come in?”
“Do you really need my permission?”
“No, but I thought I’d ask. Mickey said if I made you stand at the door for the whole conversation and you started feeling sick again, she’d kill me,” he joked.
He entered the room, and I flipped the lights on. There were two chairs positioned on opposite sides of a small table, so we sat there, facing each other.
“Are you all better now?”
“Well, I’m far from one hundred percent, but I’m feeling much better now that you’re here.”
“You’re really gonna keep up the act, even when it’s just you and me? That’s wild.”
Chuckling, he told me all the updates that had been relayed to them today, plus all the relevant group information. Although he’d claimed it was just an excuse he’d given the teachers for coming to see me, he was responsible enough to actually follow through. That was why the others trusted him enough to let him visit me. Obviously, the teachers were bound to be nearby somewhere, but still…a guy and a girl, alone together?
“How very naughty.”
“What are you talking about? Anyway, that’s it for the important stuff.”
“Aww, thanks, buddy! On the way home I’ll buy you a popsicle.”
“Dude, I’m not five! Okay, so, now for the personal stuff.”
Personal stuff? I tried to think of what it could be, but before it could come to mind, he continued:
“I’m not planning to give the bell to Mickey.”
“…Oh, you’re not? What made you decide to let me know?”
“Because I figured it was on your mind.”
I paused to contemplate this and then replied, “You thought I’d be worried about Miki-chan stealing your heart?”
“No,” he shot back firmly.
Then he looked deep into my eyes, almost as if he was steeling himself to make the confession of a lifetime. Naturally, his heart rate was perfectly steady, like always…but what about mine?
“You don’t want someone like me getting with Mickey.”
“Right.”
He smiled brightly.
“Because you hate me. Right?”
…I’ll be honest: my heart skipped a beat. My pulse surged. What had I done to make it obvious? I pored over my memories. Was it then? Or that other time? Was it just now, when I opened the door? No…his heart rate was slow and steady. He must have suspected it for a long time. And he must be pretty confident he was right, too.
Next, I contemplated why he would say it to my face. As a warning? As a demand? As a threat? I considered all the possibilities, but none of them fit. So my first instinct was to play it off—call him “my prince” like usual. The reason I didn’t, however, was because I thought about Miki-chan. Hadn’t I vowed to myself that I would never outright lie to the people I considered my friends?
And so I nodded my head, willfully bringing an end to my current strategy.
“But to be clear, it’s not hate, per se.”
“So you just don’t like me? Is that it?”
“Yeah, that. Bingo. Bulls-eye.”
He laughed, though I wasn’t sure what was so funny about me admitting that I didn’t like him…so I decided to ask.
“Why are you laughing?”
Then he said something that really surprised me.
“I dunno, it just feels good. Feels like you’re finally being honest with me.”
“I’m always honest.”
“Then why were you pretending to like me?”
I hesitated for a moment and then shook my head.
“Like you said, I didn’t want you hooking up with my beloved Miki-chan. Thus, I tried to make you like me. But alas, I never said a single word about me liking you.”
“Alas, indeed. Okay, now I get it. You’re always like this, aren’t you?”
I hated the way he spoke as if he knew me.
“Like what?”
“It’s like…you hide the truth behind some other truth, I guess? And you’re absurdly good at it, too.”
“Sorry, but I think I might actually hate you now.”
At this, he howled with laughter, and I thought to myself: I think we might have a lot more in common than I ever thought possible. That was why we understood each other…and why we hated each other. I was so sure of this, I decided to get confirmation.
“I’ll bet you hate me too, don’t you?”
I was expecting him to nod without missing a (heart)beat, but instead he stared back at me. “Me? Hate you? No way. I think you’re funny.”
Ah. Now I get it. I nodded. I had forgotten the massive, immutable difference that prevented us from being two perfect peas in a pod. A difference that would naturally affect how we each viewed each other.
I had a special power. This wasn’t a fair fight.
But despite this key difference, we still had a lot in common, obviously. We shared the same visceral emotions. Anyone would feel hurt if someone they liked didn’t like them back. So it wasn’t that I wanted to be honest with him—I just didn’t want to have an unfair advantage.
“I’m not the funny girl you think I am.”
In a sense, it was the biggest confession I’d ever made. Normally, I would have weighed the pros and cons of telling him something like that.
Maybe I hadn’t fully recovered after all.
“When I make my ‘funny’ jokes, it’s because I’ve carefully calculated what to say to get a laugh. And when I act in ‘funny’ ways, it’s because I’m intentionally trying to startle people.”
I had thought this explanation was pretty straightforward, but he tilted his head in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“What I’m saying is…I’m not your lunatic. I’m not some carefree, spontaneous, hot-blooded girl. You just think I am.”
“Yeah, and I think I’m right.”
“You’re not. I mean, sure, I’d love to be the kind of girl who doesn’t stop to weigh her options—who sees what she wants and just goes for it—but that’s not who I really am. My words and actions are all chosen to…to craft the ideal me. It’s not the real me at all.”
Why was I telling him all this? My heart was pounding, and I was starting to think maybe the heatstroke had impacted my mental state. Why else would I spill my guts to the person I disliked most of all?
That said, at least now things were fair. To make up for me spying on his heart rate, he now knew a secret of my own. Now we were both on even ground. Now he could finally hate me. After all, I had just revealed that I had been lying to everyone right from the moment we first met…as had he.
And yet he continued to look confused.
“Isn’t everybody like that?” he muttered.
Then he kept going.
“If that’s the kinda person you want to be, then that’s the kinda person you are. You’re telling me you do all that crazy stuff literally on purpose, and yet you think you’re not a lunatic? Gimme a break!”
He laughed.
“Take me, for example. I’m not the leader type, but I volunteered to do this group leader stuff, and sometimes I give people advice, because that’s just the kinda guy I wanna be. Maybe it’s because I’m the big brother at home.”
I decided to hear him out.
“Mickey’s like that too, y’know. She always talks about how she wants to be a superhero, but she’s constantly screwing up, or causing drama, and sometimes she doesn’t think at all. Just saying, if she’s our hero, the whole world’s totally boned. But anyway.”
He beamed…and somehow, I got the sense that he was truly proud to call her a friend.
“She wants to be a hero, so she goes out of her way to visit a classmate who’s been ditching school, for example. And to me, like…that literally is what a hero would do. Sure, she’s not naturally heroic, but she’s still freakin’ badass. Oh, and don’t you dare tell her I said any of this or I’ll never hear the end of it.”
“…Yeah, I suppose so.”
“I’m tellin’ you, any compliments go straight to her head.”
I was agreeing with the idea that Miki-chan was a hero, not that part. But oh well.