If only I could have just worked up the courage to pick up the phone and call her, arrange a meeting, and tell her that I still wanted to be a part of Moai. And yet, I hadn’t. At every turn I stood in my own way of doing something so very simple.
It wouldn’t even have been pathetic, or embarrassing, and even if it had been, the fact that I had lacked the courage to step outside of my own feelings made me all the more pitiful.
I had no idea.
I had no idea what it had meant to bottle up my own weakness.
But now…I understood.
It was already too late. I could not turn back time. That place, that time…it was already beyond my reach.
“I wanted to be in that place forever. That’s…all I…that’s all I really wanted.”
My breathing grew unsteady. It was hard to speak.
The throbbing pain in my heart persisted.
Through the pain, I thought Akiyoshi must be hurting even more with a pain I could not even comprehend.
Hearing my words, Wakisaka nodded with a blank stare and a solemn, “Gotcha.”
“Even if there was something you could do, though,” he continued, “there’s no guarantee you’d be able to reclaim that spot you want so badly.”
I knew that.
“Are you all right with that?”
I inhaled and exhaled deeply several times, gulping.
“I think that would make me sad.”
There was no use in hiding it anymore. No use in hiding it and causing any more hurt.
“But I know that there are people for whom Moai is an important place, just like it was for me in the beginning.”
“I see.” He nodded, more deeply than he had up until now. “In other words, you basically want to help out your own former self.”
I let the meaning of those words sink deeply in and nodded.
“…Yes, I think that’s it.”
He was right. There was no more florid way to put it.
For several seconds after I replied, Wakisaka looked at me, his head tilted as if in thought. Then, the corners of his mouth quirked up. That was the first time I had seen him smile that evening.
“By the way, would you mind letting that nice, young lady standing there behind you in?”
I turned around to see the woman who had rushed out earlier standing awkwardly in the doorway with a first aid kit in hand. As I bowed and cleared the path, she marched right in, pointed to a folding chair, and said, “Sit down!” I dutifully obeyed.
Wakisaka let out a chuckle at this.
“Sorry, she’s a bit of a busybody,” Wakisaka said, standing up and picking up his bag before starting out of the room. I started to stand in turn, ignoring the woman who was currently applying disinfectant to my arm, but he turned and faced me before I could call after him.
“I’ll be in touch later,” he said.
He left the room just as the woman pushed me back down into the chair. Unable to refuse this act of kindness, I sat there, obediently receiving my treatment. As she worked, the woman smiled gently, as if remembering something.
“He’s a busybody too,” she said.
I stared fixedly at the small slit in the wall.
I wish that spring would linger a little longer, I thought, threading my arms through a long-sleeved shirt. I sipped some coffee and ate a slice of toast with some salad I had bought from the convenience store, opening up a message on my phone that pressed, “Hurry up and get out here!”
“I can’t wait to see you.”
The message had started with that polite greeting and ended with those words. It had occurred to me the last time she had contacted me, but being cute while still being polite must have been some special technique she had picked up.
Once I was finished with my coffee, I rinsed out the cup and set it in the sink. I put on my jacket, clumsily picked up my business bag, and with that, my everyday look was complete. Normally, once I entered this mode my body started feeling rather heavy, but the fact that I was heading somewhere different from usual put me a little bit at ease.
I checked the clock, seeing that there was still twenty minutes until the train I intended to catch. It was fifteen minutes from my home to the station. As a now serious professional who had only been late a few times since I started working, I always left the house with plenty of time to spare. I shared a simple greeting with my neighbor, who must have just gotten back from a run around then. I was thankful for this apartment and its thick walls, which prevented this lady from hearing the fights I had with my girlfriend.
It was a fifteen-minute walk exactly to the station. Though it was still spring, the sun was harsh, and my forehead beaded with sweat.
I passed through the turnstile and waited; the train arrived shortly. One of the reasons I liked my new place was that the nearest station was the first stop on the line, so I could always find a seat. It would be about an hour’s ride until I arrived at my destination. I ended up nodding off while I thought about the things I was going to say, frantically gathering myself up and rushing off when we reached my transfer point.
After fifteen minutes of rocking along on the subway, I arrived at the station nearest to the university I had once commuted to every day. It was a Saturday, so there were few people there, so I purchased a canned coffee from one of the vending machines on the platform and took my time enjoying it.
After watching one more train come and go, I finally headed for the university. I took the escalator up, in accordance with my physical strength, which was declining slowly by the year. I passed through the main gates and headed for my final destination, one for which I needed no maps: the largest cafeteria on campus. I was a little disappointed to think that there would be no food service running today, considering how much I used to enjoy the fried fish there.
The closer I got to my destination, the more students appeared. When I rounded the last corner to the cafeteria entrance, a cheerful girl greeted me. A bit regretfully, I ended up returning the greeting with a bow and a bit of a reserved business smile.
There was a table set in the front of the cafeteria with three students sitting at it. I spoke with the first girl I locked eyes with, knowing that she was just as nervous as I was.
“Hello. I’m Tabata Kaede.”
I pulled out my business card holder from my inside pocket and handed her a card. She politely accepted it, confirming my business and company name, and checked it off with a marker.
“Thank you for joining us here today,” she said. “Just inside you’ll find some materials and refreshments. Please help yourself.”
“I will. Thank you very much.”
This time I intentionally gave as natural seeming a smile as I could and stepped inside the cafeteria. The mild air-conditioning was pleasant feeling. Just as the girl had said, there I could get some tea and pamphlets to collect as I moved within, finding that the tables I recalled the cafeteria having had all been neatly removed and replaced with a large circle of chairs. I looked towards the projector that had been set up on the end, wondering if the host of the event would be standing there, when suddenly a woman leapt out from the crowd.
“Good morning! Thanks for making the time to come here.”
“It’s been a while.”
The relief on my face at seeing someone who I recognized was probably the most natural expression I had worn all day.
“Yeah, you’ve been avoidin’ me for a whole year, Tabata-san.”
“Have not. Our schedules just haven’t lined up. Oh, right. Tousuke told me to tell you he was sorry he couldn’t make it.”
“Some girl again?” she asked, wrinkling her nose. None of the piercings she once wore in her ears remained. She was now a pinstripe-suit-wearing adult.
“Seriously though, thanks for coming on such short notice. Honestly, I figured you didn’t wanna talk to me anymore, so I never bothered you while I was a student. I was surprised you agreed to this.”
“Yeah, I think that came across in that ‘Seriously?!’ you texted me. But anyway, if I turned you down, I’m pretty sure you’d just kick me again.”
“Listen, that was years ago! And we were drunk! You really do like to hold your grudges…”
“Rich coming from a tough girl like you.”
As we tittered at each other, the “Test, test,” of a mic check echoed throughout the cafeteria. I looked up to see a tall, nervous looking boy setting up the microphone stand.
“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for your attendance today.”
The boy started off with a polite introduction, followed by a number of instructions for us. Kawahara-san and I moved to our designated positions and sat down in the tidy rows of chairs, reading over the materials. I had to applaud them on the production value of these pamphlets.