I hadn’t understood anything—not anything at all.
Though I was practically doubled over from the pain in my gut from retching and the uncomfortable speed at which my blood was coursing through my veins, on impulse I decided to leave the apartment.
I scarcely noticed as I missed a step as I rushed down the stairs, twisting my ankle. The pain in my joints was outweighed by the pain throughout my whole body.
I reached the parking lot and clambered onto my bike but found myself unable to really pedal. I toppled over once, taking a number of other bikes down with me, but somehow or other, I was able to depart. I pushed the pedals with my weak knees, straining to move as quickly as I could.
I was headed for the apartment building that Akiyoshi used to live in. I still remembered its precise location. I wanted to see her, to speak with her, straight away, right now. Focused on that, I pedaled with all my might.
I wanted to apologize, from the bottom of my heart.
For doing something so terrible. For hurting her.
The wind whipped by me, and I collided with a pedestrian’s bag along the way. Their shout of anger was lost on me. Normally, I would of course have apologized, but right now, I didn’t care about anything but Akiyoshi.
No, that wasn’t true.
No, it wasn’t true at all.
To be honest…to be honest it wasn’t just right now. I had never cared about anything else except Akiyoshi. That was why I had done those things.
As this truth dawned upon me, once more my innards were racked with pain, and I wanted to hurl.
I pedaled frantically, until the student apartment building where I used to hang out all the time came into view. I passed the bus stop that Akiyoshi always used and practically tumbled off of my bicycle in front of the entrance, leaving the bike where it lay.
I hurriedly entered her apartment number into the buzzer and pressed the doorbell. I did not feel nervous, only guilty, and crushed by the weight of the friendship we once shared, a friendship where we were perhaps nothing more than convenient for one another.
I waited a short while after pushing the buzzer, but no reply came. I tried pushing it again, but the result was the same. Just in case, I ran around the back of the building, picking out the balcony to check. The lights were not on inside.
She wasn’t home yet.
For a moment, I wondered if I should just wait there, but I didn’t think my heart could take that. I headed right back to the entrance, picked up my discarded bike, and climbed atop it.
This time, I was headed for the school campus, our base of operations. I had left my phone and everything else back at home, so I could not contact anyone. I had no idea what time it even was. But there was no time for thinking, I simply had to move.
Once more I pedaled with everything I had.
I soon arrived at the university. It was dark, and there were hardly any lights to guide me beyond the light of the moon, but the campus gates were open. I rode right on through onto the main grounds.
Where was she? Where in the world could Akiyoshi be? I hoped to God that my uncanny timing would be enough to simply come across her or something.
As I rode, looking wildly around me, I heard a violent sound from the front wheel of the bike, and before I knew it, I was hurtling across the asphalt. I landed on my elbows and knees, smacking my head lightly on the sidewalk curb. I gingerly stood up, feeling all the pain you might imagine, and looked for my bike. I found it nearby, the front of it horribly twisted as though I must have crashed into a guard rail.
The fact that it was broken did not bother me in and of itself, so much as the fact that I had lost my speedy means of transportation.
I wanted to see Akiyoshi that very moment.
Once more I felt that pressure in my innards, bile rising. I spit it out on the ground along with all the grit that had gotten into my mouth.
I tried to run, but the pain in my knees got in the way of that, but when I wasn’t running, my innards hurt even more. It was though a hot iron bar was being shoved into me.
The research lab—or was there a Moai club room now or something? Or was it already gone from the university? Through my bleary mind, I realized that there was only one place for me to go.
To the research lab.
I headed for the research building as swiftly as my legs would carry me. Faster—faster now. I had to get there quickly, before Akiyoshi went somewhere else. Quickly, before it was too late.
Quickly…
I suddenly stopped in place—but not for any particular reason. No one had passed by me, nor had any strong wind blown me back. It wasn’t even that the pain had grown too unbearable for me to walk. But perhaps it was something like that. It was as though I had suddenly woken from a dream.
Why was I doing this?
Sweat was dripping into my right eye—I couldn’t see clearly, but the scenery I could see through my unimpeded left eye was so much clearer than before, the air so much cooler. Perhaps it was that my injury had knocked some sense back into me, or perhaps this would have happened right about now regardless. I was released from my reverie.
I had been freed from the illusion that Akiyoshi would still accept me after all this time. Even my own desperation of just moments prior seemed bizarre.
What was I going to do once I saw her? What did I think I could possibly do?
I wanted to apologize for hurting her and tell her I was sorry from the bottom of my heart.
And then what?
Even apologizing would solely be for my sake. I wanted to be forgiven, to be friends again, for her not to think poorly of me. There was nothing that she would get out of it. And why would I even think in the first place that she would forgive me? After what I had done, after the mess I had made?
Would I ever be able to take everything back?
Both my breathing and my heartbeat sounded different than they normally would—almost painfully present in my ears. My knees and elbows throbbed with pain.
I should go home, I thought.
Yet again, I was failing to consider Akiyoshi’s feelings.
There was no way she would ever want to see me again.
Regardless of the fact that I had once been her friend, I had spat those rancid, poisonous words at her and ruined all that she had worked so hard to build in her four years. Who would find someone like that anything but despicable? Why would she ever want to see me? There was no good reason for having to meet with someone you hated.
That would only give you a good reason to hate them further.
But could there be a situation like that? What…if there was?
I stood there thinking, through the clanging in my skull. Then, a single thought occurred to me, one which I wondered if I ought to carry to fruition. I fretted over this, but even as I fretted with every fiber of my being, I started moving towards the research building again. I stared straight ahead, moving my feet forward step by steady step to close the distance.
My arms hurt, and my legs hurt. My innards and every part of me hurt, yet…they also didn’t.
Taking far longer than it ever should have, I finally reached the building in question.
Unlike the rest of the building, where classes had finished and it was fully darkened, there were a number of lights on in the research lab. It was like a beehive—that was the only place where the larvae could be found.
The lights in the room I was headed for appeared to be on. I had no idea if she would be there. Even if she was, I had no idea what I could even say to her. Still, I had to see her.
I pushed the door open and headed into the building. It was cooler inside than out, and it suddenly felt as though my own skin was thinning.
Thankfully, the elevator was working. I rode up to the fourth floor and walked down the dark hallway. More thankfully still, there was only one room in the hall from which lights flooded out from the high windows.
I proceeded with certainty.
I stood before the door and knocked without hesitation, receiving a reply.
“Come in!”
The one I wanted to see was beyond this door.
I grabbed the knob and pushed the door open.
“Good evening.”
“Wah!” The one who raised her voice was a woman right beside me, who was not the person I expected to see. “H-hold up!” she shouted, looking at me. “You’re really banged up! Wh-what?”