Finally, this was all going to be over, I thought. All I could think was that I wished they’d be over sooner. And yet…
“In the beginning, Moai was just two people.”
Akiyoshi did not finish her story. For the first time in a while, I could hear my once hollowed chest beginning to pump blood throughout my body.
“We were a team. It was just a verbal agreement, just an excuse to hang out with a dear friend.”
My body reeled. There, right in front of me, was Akiyoshi holding the mic.
“Since back then, all the way up until now, I’ve always enjoyed, always loved, what we do at Moai, and even though many things have gone awry, I’ve still been able to live through my university days with hope in my heart.”
My own deep breath overlapped with Akiyoshi’s.
“However, at the same time…”
There were several seconds of silence.
“I…”
When I finally heard her voice again, it sounded as though she was trying to keep herself from running from her own feelings.
“I now believe that I used many people’s powers and abilities for my own means. I sacrificed those people, and in turn, betrayed them.”
She ruminated on every single word.
“I did my best to show my gratitude to all the people who supported me when I was nothing more than an empty person, but even so, I’m sure that there are those who I neglected. There may…even be some people today who feel that way. Even… Even those who are not present here.”
Me.
“There are…people who would have been…happier without me.”
I suddenly forgot how to breathe.
“Of course, I do know that there are those for whom Moai was a place to call home, those who enjoyed the things we did together. I cannot thank you enough. It’s just that, I’m really sorry, I just can’t…ignore the people who I hurt.”
……
“I just wanted everyone to be happy. I believed that if Moai succeeded, and everyone could become their ideal selves, then even those who had left us would accept us. I believed in my ideals. But I know that there are people who served as sacrifices. I know that I was just using Moai.”
I could hear her wavering voice whispering directly into my ear.
“I am truly, truly sorry. I’m sure that this will sound irresponsible, but I believe this is the only way that I can protect the Moai that I built on those ideals, and all the people involved with it, from any further harm. I’m sorry. Moai is going to be dissolved. I truly, deeply apologize. There’s nothing more to say. I…I’m sorry…”
I heard murmuring and rising sounds of confusion from the venue.
For the first time in some time, I remembered how to breathe.
The moment I did, I was struck by the most intense nausea I’d ever felt in my life and fled to the hall, racing to the bathroom.
I gagged, but I did not vomit, only managing to hack up a bit of bile into the back of my throat.
I realized then that I was in my bathroom at home, the earbuds hanging from my ears, no longer connected to anything. I returned to reality and left the bathroom. I stepped into the living room and immediately flopped down onto the floor.
I noticed my body quivering. The chill of the wind that was blowing into my heart was nothing compared to what it was before. It was unbearably cold, but in contrast, my whole body was on fire, so hot that I thought I just might turn into ash.
I felt it now—the regret, and shame.
Sweat trailed down my back.
I clawed at my suddenly burning skull.
Why did it take me this long?
Why would I not realize something so very important until just now?
Now, I finally realized it.
I had never truly wanted to see Akiyoshi in pain.
What I wondered about the most was why it had taken me this long.
Though all of the rage and resentment I had felt until now was not a lie, it vanished as quickly into regret and shame as if it had been.
All I had been feeling was hurt.
Because I had been hurt, I could ignore things. Because I had been hurt, I could cause destruction. Because I had been hurt, I could lash out. I hadn’t been thinking at all about what would happen when I actually hurt someone else. Or rather, I’m pretty sure that I thought since it was Akiyoshi, she would understand. She would agree with me and accept what I did, and we could laugh it all off as a hilarious misunderstanding.
Why the hell would I think that?
How could I have never imagined the fact that Akiyoshi could be hurt by my actions? If I had, I’m sure I would have hesitated.
I would have…wouldn’t I?
Then again…if I was that good of a person, I would have never thought of harming anyone in the first place, would I?
I had thought and decided my course of action, without considering the sort of person that Akiyoshi was. I had, in short, failed to acknowledge her as a human being. I had thought of her as some sort of fixed point in my memory. There, she was only a memory, incapable of being harmed.
I’d been thinking it would be best to cut off ties with her entirely and simply beautify the memories I had of her, or something.
And I had been doing just that.
I had at some point ceased to see the real Akiyoshi, simply glorifying her memory.
My disappointment was all my own fault, under the front of assuming that we were supposed to be friends. I had tried, and succeeded, at harming someone who had never stopped thinking of me as a friend. I did not hesitate in wishing to make her feel the same hurt that I did.
How could I have ever felt that way?
It was because I was hurt.
Because I had been hurt.
Even though being hurt never justifies causing it. It only ever leaves you with shame—and regret.
Honestly though, why was I hurting in the first place? I had always suspected that I was only being used. I’d hoped that Akiyoshi would deny that, but when she confirmed it, I was hurt.
It was only then that I remembered—Akiyoshi had started to say, “That’s not true,” but had stopped herself. She realized that there was no person in this world who could accurately make such a denial, didn’t she?
People only use other people as substitutes. Everyone uses others as stand-ins when they need something. Friends, lovers, family, kouhai, senpai, bosses, employees, they all use other humans as a means to an end.
It’s the same thing when one lonely person makes friends with another lonely person. The same thing when someone who feels no one understands them seeks someone who does. Even when someone collapsed from illness seeks a shoulder to lean upon, it’s no different.
Even I did this. Akiyoshi, Tousuke, Kawahara-san—I was just using them.
Being used and hurt by someone is not a good reason for doing the same to others. Especially when there probably wasn’t anything I should have felt hurt over in the first place.
Hadn’t I needed her too? I must have been happy to hear her call my name.
That momentary happiness was probably more than enough.
She was a stand-in, but that meant that I was able to fill the gaps in my heart.
I needed to fill those gaps.
She had been someone who could fill that void.
I might have been saved if I could have merely filled in that void that had opened up in my chest. I could have just done that, but instead I hurt a friend.
What the hell, me?
Now, instead of Akiyoshi’s voice that had been echoing in my mind since yesterday, my own words that I had flung at her now played on repeat.
What. The hell. Had I done?
Not only had I denied her personality—I had denied her entire existence.
Now, for the first time, I understood the meaning of what I had been doing, what it meant to hurt someone.
I wished from the bottom of my heart that I could apologize, for the first time in my life.
But no matter how long I waited, Akiyoshi did not appear before me.