I just wanted her back, that special person. I didn’t want this boring college student who just ran around like crazy trying to make connections for the sake of getting a job. I knew that she was not that shallow of a person.
I walked to the station, pouring sweat, and bought some tea in front of the station to keep my own brain from boiling. Though it was early on a Saturday morning, there were plenty of adults in business attire on the platform. When the train arrived, they all boarded with identical movements like they were being shipped out from a factory.
I didn’t think about how drab or boring they were. Other than the difference in age, they were hardly any different from us. Sooner or later, I would join that assembly line too. I would have plenty of time to think about it then—to think about what a drab adult I am, what a boring adult I am. I could set those feelings aside until later.
A mere ten minutes later, I disembarked the train at the station closest to the area of campus in question, one I rarely visited. The only people who were at school on a Saturday were club members or researchers, or eccentrics. Still there was no reason for even them to be here this early. I could hear my own footsteps as I walked down the nearly deserted platform.
Sure enough, it was hot on the ground level. I probably should have at least worn a hat or something. I headed to the school entrance closest to the station exit, hoping to get into the shade as quickly as possible. I had no required classes for my final term. I did not know how many more chances still remained for me to visit the safety zone that was my university—not that I had any particularly strong feelings about this.
There was hardly anyone on the campus, aside from a runner who was probably just some random person from the neighborhood mixed in with a few people who looked to be students.
I sat down in the shade of a tree on a bench en route to the hall. I looked at my phone and saw there was still around three hours until the start of the meeting. Even if they had preparations to make beforehand, the Moai leaders probably would not arrive until an hour before at best. I had done this out of an abundance of caution, but it now occurred to me that perhaps my wake-up time was a bit excessive.
I drank the tea I had purchased. The cicadas were shrill around me, which gave me a funny feeling like I was some old person who had just gone on a walk for my health.
What could I do with all this extra time? Maybe I could find a nice cool café to kill some time in for a while. I was good at killing time. I had taken great pains to kill as much time as possible during my college years.
My brain never really did get used to hour-and-a-half lessons, and it wasn’t as if I had enough acquaintances to run into one just by wandering around campus. I had just killed time alone and, occasionally, with Tousuke—an excessive amount of time killed pointlessly. My life as a student was probably a waste, but then, did such a thing as college years that weren’t a waste exist anywhere? Moreover, there were people in this world whose hands were stained with sin because of the things they had learned in college, and people who lost their lives because of college itself, and even those who lost whatever brilliance may have once been inside of them.
Compared to all of them, I had suffered no losses. I was doing exceptionally well.
Thinking about it, even what I had been trying to do recently was only for the sake of bringing back the time that had slipped away. I would have never had to do it if Moai hadn’t changed. This was no different from killing time. Of course, it would be a lie to say that I never once held hope for the passage of time. I doubted that was any different from other university students either. When I started school, and I met her, I’m sure that I held some hope for the future. I probably even thought that the day might come when I might encounter my own ideal self.
I don’t believe that that time was a waste. Back then, at least we were trying to do something, trying to be something…weren’t we? We were trying to overturn something, weren’t we? Even if our methods were self-centered and incomprehensible, at least there was a light within them.
This time, I was the only one trying to overturn a lie, still carrying my ideals on my back. Though I may have made some detours along the way, I was still able to pursue my ideals, as my own self.
For the first time, I felt I was able to truly affirm myself. I could affirm all that I had done in these past two years and change.
My own philosophies.
The message on that image.
I wondered what might happen if I was found out, but then I realized vaguely that if I was, it would be the first time I had achieved any real meaning.
Just a few years.
Just a few years meant nothing. Just as there was no difference between us and high school students. Just as there was no difference between us and working professionals.
So, I had to tear it all down to nothing.
I would bring it back.
We would go back to that time.
From there, we could just build it back up again.
I could feel the temperature rising along with the feverish feelings boiling up inside of me. I probably did need to move somewhere else. At this rate I was going to end up exhausted before anyone even arrived. There were still three hours until the meeting. I could afford an hour’s break, I figured, standing up.
Then, as I took one itty bitty little step forward…
“Um.”
I took one little step closer to the future, unimpeded.
In the second I looked back; a million thoughts ran through my head.
There was actually someone here at this hour? Someone who would bother talking to me?
The ideals of my freshman year. The disillusionment of my sophomore year. The resignation of my junior year. The battle that was my senior year.
I don’t know if I really did recall all of that at once in that moment that came as quickly as it went, but it felt as though I did. I don’t know what was true at all at this point.
Whether we like it or not, though, when we don’t know what is true, we have to decide the truth for ourselves.
I had to accept what I saw before me as I turned around.
There was Akiyoshi Hisano.