“I dare say,” says my master, indifferent as ever.
That dispassionate comment, it would seem, at last brings home to our hooligan scribe the complete hopelessness of hoping that even the most searing of his supplications could ever melt my master’s chilly disconcern. Suddenly lowering his huge skull to the matting,Yore in total silence made his farewell salutation.
“Ah,” said my master, “you’re leaving?”
Yore’s crestfallen appearance provided his only answer. We heard him dragging his heavy cedar clogs even after he’d gone out through the gate.
A pitiable case. If someone doesn’t come to his rescue, he could well compose one of those rock-top suicide poems and then fling his stupid body over the lip of Kegon Falls. Come what may, the root-cause of all this trouble is the flibbertigibbet self-conceit of that insufferable Miss Goldfield. If Yore does do himself in, it is to be hoped that his ghost will find the time to scare that girl to death. No man need regret it if a girl like that, even a brace or more of them, were removed from this already sufficiently troubled world. It seems to me that Coldmoon would be well advised to marry some more ladylike young person.
“Was that, then, one of your pupils?”
“Yes.”
“What an enormous head. Is he good at his work?”
“Rather poor for that size of head. But every now and again he asks original questions. The other day he caught me off balance by asking for a translation of the meaning of Columbus.”
“Maybe the improbable size of his braincase leads him to pose such an improbable question. Whatever did you answer?”
“Oh, something or other off the cuff.”
“So you actually did translate it. That’s remarkable.”
“Children lose faith in a language teacher who fails to provide them, on demand, with a translation of anything they may ask.”
“You’ve become quite a politician. But to judge by that lad’s look, he must be terribly run down. He seemed ashamed to be bothering you.”
“He’s just managed to get himself into something of a mess. Silly young ass!”
“What’s it all about? The mere sight of him moves one’s sympathy.
What’s he done?”
“Rather a stupid thing. He’s sent a love letter to Goldfield’s daughter.”
“What? That great numbskull? Students nowadays seem to stop at nothing. Quite astonishing! Really, I am surprised.”
“I hope this news has not upset you?”
“Not in the very least. On the contrary, I find it most diverting. I do assure you, it’s quite all right by me, however, many love letters may come pouring in upon her.”
“If you feel that self-assured perhaps it doesn’t matter. . .”
“Of course it doesn’t matter. I really don’t mind at all. But isn’t it rather remarkable that that great muttonhead should take to writing love letters?”
“Well, actually, it all started as a kind of joke. Because that girl was so stuck-up and conceited, my precious trio got together and. . .”
“You mean that three boys sent one love letter to Miss Goldfield? This business grows more whacky by the minute. Such a joint letter sounds rather like three people settling down to share one portion of a Western-style dinner. Don’t you agree?”
“Well, they did divide the functions up between them. One wrote the letter, another posted it, and the third loaned his name for its signature. That young blockhead whom you saw just now, quite the silliest of them all, he’s the one who lent his name. Yet he actually told me that he’s never even set eyes on the girl. I simply can’t imagine how anyone could do such a ludicrous thing.”
“Well, I think it’s spectacular, a wonder of our times, a real masterpiece of the modern spirit! That that oaf should have it in him to fire off a love letter to some unknown woman. . . Really, it’s most amusing!”
“It could lead to some very awkward misunderstandings.”
“What would it matter if it did? It would be skin off nobody’s nose but the Goldfields’.”
“But this daughter of theirs is the very girl you may be marrying.”
“True, but I only may be marrying her. Don’t be so concerned.
Really, I do not mind in the least about the Goldfields.”
“You may not mind but. . .”
“Oh, I’m quite sure the Goldfields wouldn’t mind. Honest!”
“All right, then, if you say so. Anyway, after the deed was done and the letter delivered, that boy suddenly began to get qualms of conscience. More precisely, he became scared of being found out and therefore came sheepishly around here to ask me for advice.”
“Really? Was that why he looked so very down in the mouth? He must, at heart, be a very timid boy. You gave him some advice, I suppose?”
“He’s scared silly of being expelled from school. That’s his chief worry.”
“Why should he be expelled from school?”
“Because he has done such a wicked and immoral thing.”
“You can’t call sending a love letter, even in joke, either wicked or immoral. It’s just not that important. In fact, I’d expect the Goldfields to take it as an honor and to go around boasting about it.”
“Oh, surely not!”
“Anyway, even if it was wrong to do such a thing, it’s hardly fair to let that poor boy worry himself sick about it. You could be sending him to his death. Though his head is grotesque, his features are not evil. He was twitching his nose, you know. Rather sweet, really.”
“You’re becoming as irresponsible as Waverhouse in the breezy things you say.”
“Well, that’s no more than the current style. It’s a bit old-fashioned to take things quite as seriously as you do.”
“It’s hardly a question of being up-to-date or out-of-fashion. Surely, at any time, anywhere, only a complete fool could think it funny to send a love letter to an unknown person. It flies in the face of common sense.”
“Come now. The vast majority of all jokes depends on the reversal of ordinary common sense. Ease up on the lad. If only in common charity, do what you can to help him. From what I saw he was already on his way to Kegon Falls.”
“Perhaps I should.”
“Indeed you should. After all, the world is stiff with full-grown men, men with older and presumably wiser heads, who nevertheless spend all their lives in practical jokes which risk disaster for their fellow men. Would you punish an idiot schoolboy for signing a love letter when men whose jokes could wreck the world go totally unpenalized? If you expel him from school, you can do no less than banish them from civilized society.”
“Well, perhaps you’re right.”
“Good. Then that’s settled. Now, how about going out and listening to a tiger?”
“Ah, the tiger.”
“Yes. Do come out. As a matter of fact, I’ve got to leave Tokyo in a few days’ time and go back home to attend to some business. Since it will be quite a while before we’ll be able again to go out anywhere together, I called today in the express hope we could make some little expedition this evening.”
“So you’re going home. And on business?”
“Yes, something I myself must cope with. Anyway, let’s go out.”
“All right, I’ll come.”
“Splendid. Today, dinner’s on me. If, after that, we walk across to the zoo, we should arrive at exactly the right time.” Coldmoon’s enthusiasm is infectious and, by the time they bustled out together, my master himself was scarcely less excited.
Mrs. Sneaze and Yukie, ever, eternally feminine, just went on with their chit-chat and their sniggering.