For the first time, he laid eyes upon the “Self-Help” section.
At a glance, the titles were all alarmingly dramatic.
“The Harvard Thought Process: How to Win at Life”
“The Five-Minute-a-Day Millionaire”
“How to Shrug off Your Haters”
Naomi tensed as his eyes moved across the covers and spines of the books on display. They felt like a giant, invisible hand pressing down on him.
When he was in the fiction sections, even the most sensational titles never bothered him. Those books were stories, after all. He was just a reader who might enjoy them.
But these books were different. The books in this corner were purchased by people who wanted to change themselves in a specific way. When you brought one to the register, you were basically announcing that to the world.
What would the person behind the counter think? Would he look at the book and then at Naomi, stifling a laugh?
The thought made him want to melt into the ground. He was so embarrassed he was tempted to leave empty-handed.
And yet…
Naomi squeezed his slightly sweaty hands into fists. This was the whole reason he’d come here, wasn’t it? He wanted to get past this feeling. He wanted to overcome his shyness.
Fifteen minutes later, Naomi finally reached out, grabbed a book with a paper band boasting 50,000 sales, and headed for the register.
Its title was How to Be Decisive: A Better You by Tomorrow!
4.
SITTING IN HIS BEDROOM, Naomi focused intently on his new book. His table lamp cast a warm glow on the pages, which made a pleasant whisper when they turned. There was no other sound.
If there was one word that defined him, it was indecisive.
He didn’t know how long he’d been like this; it had just sort of turned out that way. Naomi agonized over every choice, even simple, harmless ones. The thought of choosing wrong, of screwing up horrifically, made him flinch in terror. He was the very picture of a coward.
To the best of his ability, Naomi avoided taking risks. He didn’t like challenging himself unless the outcome was predictable.
He did enjoy studying, though. Put more effort in, and you’d reliably be rewarded for it. It was one of the few things he could focus on without getting anxious.
Naomi liked books, too. Reading them was a lot of fun, and moving steadily through their pages gave him a real sense of accomplishment.
Thanks to that, his grades had gotten steadily better, and he’d been accepted into one of the best high schools in the prefecture. Careful and consistent had been his watchwords all his life, and they’d served him well enough.
That wasn’t to say that he liked his personality, though.
A part of him had always wanted to change, but he’d never found the spark to actually make it happen. He’d been waiting and waiting for the right moment to fall into his lap. On the day he entered high school, he’d thought, maybe this is my chance.
It wasn’t like he wanted to completely redefine himself the way some kids did. He’d never even fantasized about transforming into some cool, popular guy who’d be the center of attention. But he did think it might be nice if he could change, at least a little. Maybe it’d make his high school experience more fun.
Surely that wasn’t too much to hope for. He wasn’t being overly ambitious here.
That was why Naomi had bought his new self-help book. In all honesty, he thought its 2000-yen price tag was kind of excessive. He’d never flinched at spending that much on a hardcover edition of a novel he enjoyed, but there was no telling if the advice in this book would be remotely useful. Buying it felt like a risk in itself.
He probably wouldn’t have gambled his money on this back in middle school.
Maybe, he thought hopefully, I’ve already changed a little bit.
5.
THE NEXT DAY, Naomi sat in the classroom, intently reading his new book. Of course, the last thing he wanted was for any of his classmates to know he’d bought a book like this, so he’d put it in a thick, blank cover that hid the title.
Its pages were full of life-changing bits of advice in bold, eye-catching type.
“Don’t overthink things! Make a conscious effort to decide quickly!”
At the end of fourth period, Naomi headed to the school store as fast as he could walk. He pushed his way forcefully through the chaotic crowd and made his way to the bread shelves. He’d made it here quickly; today, he had his pick.
His eyes found the barbecue bread, the most popular option. But the golden fish sandwich was also tempting. They both looked tasty, but he had to choose fast.
Naomi considered his options. They both looked good. Either was fine, really.
He reached out for the nearest barbecue bread, then paused. How much money did he have left in his wallet, anyway? He’d bought that book yesterday. He shouldn’t buy too much, either. He didn’t want to waste any food, or his cash.
By the time he worked his way through that thought process, the barbecue bread had vanished. The fish sandwiches and the three-color breads melted away like smoke, too.
Naomi just looked on, totally flustered, until the lady behind the counter finally shouted, “What’s it gonna be, kid?!”
Naomi’s plastic bag swayed slightly in his hand as he trudged back to his classroom. It contained two packaged “twisty breads.”
He read his book as he walked along. Luckily, it contained a full eighty-seven pieces of advice, each designed to help you become more decisive. He’d decided to move on to the next item.
“Don’t worry about what other people think. When you have something to say, speak up!”
When he stepped into his classroom, Naomi found that a group of girls had gathered, spreading out their lunches and packaged snacks across several desks. One of them was sitting in Naomi’s chair. She’d pulled it away from his desk to sit with the others. If he wanted to eat his lunch here, he’d have to get it back.
Naomi studied the girl in question. She looked like a gentle, soft-spoken person. She’d probably give the chair back without any real fuss. There were plenty of other empty chairs in the classroom, after all.
Settling down onto one of the stone stairways that surrounded the main school building, Naomi took a bite of his twisty bread. It was nice out today, and it never hurt to get some fresh air. Or so he’d convinced himself.
Once again, he opened up his book.
“Don’t let others do the deciding for you. Make your own choices!”
That made perfect sense. It was easy to nod in agreement. The tricky part was actually acting on that advice.
After finishing his bland lunch, Naomi headed back to his classroom.
Fifth period that day was a homeroom session rather than a class. Today, all the first-year classes were electing their representatives and officers. There was a long list of school committees on the blackboard. Everyone was expected to at least join a committee. The homeroom teacher led the discussion, helped by two students who’d been chosen as assistants since their names fell at the beginning of the alphabet.
Since they were all new here, most of the kids didn’t have any strong preferences. The class worked its way down the list picking people more or less at random.
Naomi let it wash over him, lost in thought. He was murmuring inside his head like a mantra, Make your own choices. Don’t let others do the deciding for you.
“Next up is the library committee,” one of the student assistants called.
The homeroom teacher looked around the room. “Do we have any book lovers in this class?”
Instantly, a number of faces turned Naomi’s way. A moment later, the rest of the class followed suit.
Naomi swallowed nervously.
Thinking about it…in his first ten days of high school, he’d spent most of his free time sitting in this classroom reading books. He hadn’t done anything else, really.
The teacher looked down at his list of students. “Uh, Katagaki, right? How about it?”
“Um… Well…”
The words caught in Naomi’s throat. They wanted an answer now. He could feel the anxiety welling up inside him.
It wasn’t like he disliked the idea of working in the library. He loved books, after all. It was easily the most attractive option of anything listed on the blackboard. And yet, part of him really didn’t want to say yes.
He’d been nominated for this by other people, just because everybody looked at him. He needed to make his own decisions from now on.
But he couldn’t bring himself to come out and say that. There were too many sets of eyes on him. And the growing silence was too much to handle.
“Sure, I’ll do it.”
“All right, then. Katagaki it is.”
Everyone finally looked away. The assistant wrote his name on the blackboard and moved along to the next entry on the list.
It had gone smoothly enough, in a way. But there was an ugly, muddy feeling lingering in Naomi’s chest.
He wasn’t even upset that he hadn’t made his own decision.
He was disgusted by how relieved he felt to escape those eyes.
6.
THE FIRST MEETING OF THE LIBRARY COMMITTEE was held immediately after school that same day.