When I was unexpectedly spoken to and turned my face, Soejima-kun lifted a book covered in a dust jacket in front of me.
“It’s fine. It’s probably another erotic novel.”
“You’re sharp. But this is a masterpiece.”
It was the book the old man had intended to read to Soejima-kun in the hospital room.
“I assumed it would be another strange book, knowing Grandpa, but it wasn’t.”
When I removed the book’s cover, the name “Hajime Soejima” was boldly written on the back cover in childish handwriting. The pages that Soejima-kun flipped open for me to see were lined with larger and rounder letters than usual, typical for a children’s book.
“When I was little, I loved this story, and I often begged Grandpa to read it to me…”
I looked up at Soejima-kun.
He was suppressing his emotions, maintaining a blank expression. The moment I saw his profile, I was overcome by intense sorrow, the reason for which I couldn’t fathom. It felt as though my heart was being ripped out.
“Well, here begins the adventure. Are you ready…?” Soejima-kun looked at me in surprise.
I began to cry uncontrollably as I read the beginning of the book.
The swell of emotion welled up in my eyes as tears. Even I was taken aback. I hung my head, pressing my eyes to stop the tears, but they wouldn’t stop. I was unbearably sad.
Fuyu, who had been resting on Soejima-kun’s lap, lifted her head as if to ask what was happening.
Finally, I managed to speak. “I-I’m sorry…”
Soejima-kun, visible through my tear-blurred vision, looked down at the book. “Won’t you read for me?”
“…Huh?”
“Continue.”
Soejima-kun gave a relaxed smile, and I regained my composure.
Wiping away my tears, I turned my eyes back to the book Soejima-kun had opened.
“Tom’s eyes shone somewhere in this world…”
As I read in a tearful voice, Soejima-kun listened quietly.
Soejima-kun, you never say anything when you’re hurting, do you? Despite probably being in the deepest sorrow out of everyone, you don’t let any tears or pain show, just enduring it all alone.
The snow continued to fall. It was as if a cold, freezing sorrow was overflowing from the sky.
When I finished reading the final page, Soejima-kun, who had been listening quietly, closed the book and said, “Your voice is beautiful.”
My tear-swollen eyes widened at Soejima-kun’s unexpected words. Paying no mind to my reaction, Soejima-kun continued, gazing idly at the snow, “Don’t die, Yuu…”
I couldn’t immediately respond to his words. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me. But right now, I couldn’t admit such weakness to Soejima-kun. I took a deep breath and said in lieu of a nod, “Soejima-kun… What if… What if Kusunoki-san still loves you?”
Soejima-kun, who had been watching the snow, slowly turned his gaze to me.
“Even if you were the one who hurt Kusunoki-san, she still loves you…”
Soejima-kun gave a bitter laugh. “There’s no way that’s possible…”
“There is,” I asserted.
“I saw it. Kusunoki-san was in the art preparation room, staring intently at you on the roof… She seemed concerned,” I continued quietly.
“There is a future where you can be happy with someone.”
Soejima-kun closed his mouth for a moment, then gave a small laugh.
“Were you daydreaming?”
“No, really…”
“Even if what you say is true, it’s impossible. I’d surely repeat the same mistakes.”
“Repeat?”
“I told you, didn’t I? I’m broken.”
Soejima-kun looked down at his open palm.
“Just like you, Yuu.”
“…Huh?”
“I can’t touch.”
As I puzzled over what he meant, Soejima-kun, still looking down, continued, “I resist touching women. I get goosebumps when touched. Even if… it’s a girl I like.”
I was too shocked to say a word.
“I can’t do what comes naturally to others, like holding hands or hugging,” Soejima-kun quietly continued. “Kusunoki asked me if it would be disgusting if tried to do it for her too…” He clenched the palm of his hand that had been open. “I couldn’t say that it wouldn’t.”
Soejima-kun’s gaze met mine again.
“I can’t hope for that. A future where I live with someone I love…”
Soejima-kun’s eyes were clear. The barrier he always held up against intrusion was now gone.
“Is it just women?”
When I asked, Soejima-kun nodded and continued in a flat tone, “It probably started when my mother died…”
“Your mother…?”
I was confused. The image of the “mother,” who was next to Soejima-kun’s father, floated in my mind. The person whom Soejima-kun called “Yoriko-san” was…?
“That woman is my father’s second wife.”
Soejima-kun seemed to anticipate my question and continued, “My mother… When I was in elementary school, she was in an accident.”
Fuyu, lying on Soejima-kun’s lap, turned over.
“I remember being pulled by the hand, hard, by my father as he rushed to the hospital. My mother was in the mortuary, looking like she was just sleeping… I touched her, thinking she might wake up.”
Soejima-kun stroked Fuyu, who was on his lap.
“The moment I touched her, I felt a shudder. The cold, hard, lump-like feeling of just meat was so disgusting to me.”
Fuyu, being stroked by Soejima-kun, purred contentedly.
“I was sad and very scared. It’s terrible, isn’t it? Even though I loved my mother so much.”
I looked at Soejima-kun. “Do you remember that…?”
Soejima-kun stroked Fuyu with a vague expression on his face.
“I wonder. It just became too much for me. Not with my remarried father and his wife, but I wished to live with my grandfather, and that’s why things didn’t go well with Yoriko-san. I can’t control myself… I would hurt them if I stayed.”
I tried to imagine Soejima-kun’s past days. There must have been many events that made him feel “if I stay, I’ll hurt them.”
But still…
“…I’m not hurt.”
At my quiet words, Soejima-kun stopped stroking Fuyu.
“I’m not hurt, even when I’m with you.”
Hearing me say that, Soejima-kun gave a bitter laugh.
“That’s because…”
“…I’m a spirit.”
I reached out from the veranda to touch the falling snow.
“I’m an unimaginable being.”
The snow, of course, slipped through my palm and fell.
“The unimaginable is happening. If so, there might be a happy future that you can’t imagine… The possibility is not zero.”
Soejima-kun cast a meaningful gaze at me. Avoiding his gaze, I dropped my eyes to the children’s book on the floor.
“I want to live.”
I said something unfair. I knew he would have difficulty refusing me if I said that.
Soejima-kun dropped his gaze to the children’s book and then turned his gaze back to me again.
I had been a spirit for almost a month.
We tried to believe that tying his destiny would save us both and lead to happiness.