I was in sixth grade at the time.
During cleaning time, the popular boy who sat beside me in class secretly approached me.
“Hey, want to go to the amusement park on Sunday?”
“Sorry. I want to go to the library on Sunday.” I casually declined his invitation.
Looking back, that might have been the event that determined the ups and downs of my future.
The next day, when I went to the classroom, the boy’s desk, which used to be right next to mine, was moved several tens of centimeters away. I greeted him as usual, saying “Good morning,” and took my seat.
The boy, who had been talking to his friends, glanced at my face and loudly exclaimed, “When I look closely, your eyes are huge, like an alien’s.”
The friend who had been talking to the boy burst into laughter at those words, and another boy sitting next to me sneered and laughed at me as well.
What an unpleasant atmosphere…
That atmosphere quickly spread throughout the class, and from that day until I transferred schools due to my parents’ divorce, my classmates constantly treated me coldly.
I realized then that being noticed by someone’s eyes was scary.
At my new school, I vowed not to make the same mistake. I created bangs and hid my distinctive eyes. I lowered my voice and made an effort to make myself inconspicuous. Eventually, no one paid any attention to me anymore. Sometimes, it would get lonely, but it was much better than getting hurt.
Even now, at the age of sixteen, several years after that incident, I continued to live like a spirit.
“…a spirit?”
I couldn’t help but flinch when I heard voices during the lunch break. The voices belonged to a glamorous group of girls gathered in front of me, enjoying their lunches.
“Yeah. Apparently, Misaki from Class B saw it. Near the Death God’s Mansion.”
“You mean that long staircase? They saw someone coming out, right?”
“What’s that? Maybe she just saw a living person?”
“Really? She said it was a really handsome man with a beautiful face.”
“That’s just her making a fuss over a good-looking guy.”
The glamorous girl group burst into laughter, finding it amusing.
I felt relieved they weren’t gossiping about me being like a spirit. I refocused on my book and chuckled at my own reaction.
This was not the sixth-grade classroom from four years ago. I didn’t know if I even existed in this classroom or if it was just a background with chairs and desks. The same went for my house.
“…Oh, you’re here.”
I flinched when my little sister, entering the living room, found me pouring tea in front of the refrigerator. She spoke with a scolding expression. “Don’t be surprised when you can’t sense me. Where’s Mom?”
“She… went… out, I think…”
“Huh? What? Stop mumbling. I can’t hear you.”
My sister frowned at my soft voice and threw her bag onto the sofa, making the flower charm attached to it jingle as it swung heavily.
“Sorry.”
My sister gave up on asking me and let out a sigh, heading toward the bathroom.
I released my grip on the mug I was about to borrow from the kitchen and quickly made my way to my room, as if escaping. As soon as I entered and closed the door, I felt relieved, leaning against it. Through the closed door, I could hear my sister’s cheerful voice as if she were talking on the phone.
A year earlier, my father had remarried, and I had gained a sister who was three years younger than me. My new stepmother and sister were kind people who tried to include me in the family. But I couldn’t seem to fit in properly. I always felt tense, whether I was at school or at home. I couldn’t find peace anywhere. It was as if I didn’t have a place to belong, and sometimes I felt like crying.
I didn’t feel like I had any value, like I could disappear and it wouldn’t even matter. In that case, it would be better if I could just vanish as if I never existed in the first place. Perhaps it was because I wished for everything, including this body and all the memories I had, to disappear as if they had never existed.
The events of that rainy day that would unfold afterward might have been the result of my desires.
✦ ✦ ✦
It was raining that day.
As soon as I left school, the rain started to pour even harder, and my worn-out foldable umbrella couldn’t provide much reassurance. To get home quickly, I decided to take a shortcut and turned a corner into an unfamiliar alley, straying from my usual route.
At that moment, amid the sound of rain, I heard a metallic clink, like something metal had fallen.
I directed my gaze toward the source of the sound. In a puddle, I noticed a flower charm lying there. It looked similar to the one my sister had on her bag, so I raised my head to see if I could identify the owner.
A few meters ahead, a fellow female student from the same school was walking alone.
“Um... Excuse me...”
The small voice I tried to call out with wouldn’t have reached her. It was drowned out by the sound of rain. Giving up on calling out to her, I quickened my pace to catch up and directly hand it over.
Suddenly, the female student started running.
Surprised, I found myself already in motion. I chased after her, running as well. The raindrops fell heavily, and the splashes from the puddles I stepped on touched my body.
It wasn’t easy to catch up. The heavy rain obscured my vision, so as we went downhill, I lost sight of the female student and came to a stop.
“This...”
It was my first time at this place.
I stood in front of the long staircase adorned with weathered tiles. A shiver ran down my spine as I looked up at the staircase.
I remembered this was the staircase the glamorous girl group had mentioned as the “Death God’s Mansion” earlier in the classroom. It truly had an atmosphere that could conjure up spirits and deathly figures. The staircase exuded an eerie aura, and I couldn’t see the top, no matter how far I gazed. It seemed to connect with the sky.
As I shifted my gaze, I noticed the silhouette of the girl I had lost sight of standing right in the middle of the staircase.
When did she climb up so many steps?
Compelled by an inexplicable force, I sprinted up the long staircase. I couldn’t even remember why. I chased after her desperately, forgetting about the pouring rain. I closed in on the girl’s figure from behind. Just a few more steps...
A groaning sound emerged from beneath the staircase. Then a gust of wind blew, causing my navy-blue foldable umbrella to slip from my hand. I was captivated by the sight of the umbrella floating up into the sky.
With my attention pulled elsewhere, my foot slipped on the wet steps. I lost my balance and fell backward. The girl I was chasing turned to face me—it was a familiar face.
Time seemed to slow down.
Suddenly, I tumbled down the staircase I had been ascending. My entire body, including my head, hit the ground as intense pain assaulted my senses.
The navy-blue foldable umbrella rolled far away. Even if I wanted to reach out for it, my body wouldn’t respond—not even a twitch. I couldn’t will myself to rise from the ground. The puddles around me were tinged with red.
Am I going to die like this?
My field of vision was grazed by the fading of my consciousness. The rain falling on my body lying on the ground continued to drain the heat of my body. I was unbearably cold and my teeth chattered incessantly.
Is this a punishment for wishing to disappear?
The darkness before me grew steadily. At that moment, amid the sound of rain, I heard a faint sound of footsteps blending in. Summoning all my strength, I managed to move my trembling lips.
Please. I don’t want to die.
Please notice me…