Chapter 16

13 Feelings I Didn’t Realize Were There “Why do you think that…?” I asked carefully, trying to avoid sounding accusatory. Why would someone as kind as Shizuki be so insistent that we couldn’t be family? There had to be a reason. “W-well…” Shizuki struggled to get the words out. No, was she scared…? She’d tensed up against me. I’d never been able to understand how she felt before, but now the contact between us gave me a read on her emotions. There had to be some big reason behind the closed-off door of her heart. After a long pause, I took a chance and spoke up. “Um, do you not like purple?” “What?” Shizuki flinched. “Oh, uh… You never wear the hair clip. I thought maybe you didn’t like purple…” That wasn’t the reason why she was resisting being a part of the family, was it? I brought it up anyway, hoping it might get her talking. You can speak your mind. I’ll wait as long as it takes. I gave her a gentle touch, trying to express how I felt. Just when I started to worry if she’d answer at all, she said, her lips barely moving, “No, no. Purple is my favorite color.” Her light breath tickled my eyelashes. “Then…what is it?” I asked, peering into Shizuki’s face. “Well…” She slowly rolled over, turning her back to me. Oh…she’s clamming up again, I thought for a second. But I was wrong. Reluctantly, Shizuki parted her hair on both sides. “Do you see right here?” A flash of lightning lit up the whole room, bringing the back of Shizuki’s neck into view. “That’s…!” There was an old scar, like she’d been scratched hard with something sharp. It stood out heartbreakingly against her thin, pale nape. I was speechless. Shizuki murmured in an emotionless voice: “When I was in elementary school…I was stabbed. With a compass needle or something, I think.” “Stabbed?” I sprang up, not believing my ears. Shizuki started to tremble slightly with her back to me. “I was always bullied… That’s why…” That was why she couldn’t tie her hair back or wear the hair clips. That was why she couldn’t join her sisters in the bath. Those unarticulated feelings became painfully clear. I felt like I had the same scar down the back of my own neck. “Bullying… Didn’t the teachers do anything about it?” I asked, and Shizuki shook her head. “There were too many kids at school and the facility… The teachers couldn’t keep an eye on everyone…” “That’s awful…” She’d been bullied, and no one had helped her. I had no idea Shizuki had suffered so much. “I came here…to escape…” So that’s what she’d meant. Shizuki had joined the Junior High Independence Plan to escape bullying. She didn’t have rain falling in her heart like I did…but there was something colder, sharper, like a blizzard. “I’m sorry, Shizuki. That must’ve been hard… It must have been so painful…” I couldn’t come up with the right words to console her; all I could do was murmur while biting my own lip to keep from crying. Thunder rumbled in the distance, and Shizuki spoke up again. “I put up with it…but one day, I couldn’t stand it anymore. That day…” I gently rubbed Shizuki’s trembling back as she continued. “It was a really cold day, and it was snowing… That day, someone threw my treasure into the river.” Treasure…? What could Shizuki’s treasure have been? I didn’t ask her, instead opting to let her continue. “The water wasn’t deep, so I jumped in and desperately searched where it fell. I found it somehow but wound up with frostbite on my hands and feet… That was when I started thinking about escaping from that place, about wanting to disappear.” It must’ve been a really precious item for her to jump into a river in the middle of winter. And she’d said someone had thrown it in… “I mean… It’s only natural that you couldn’t stand it anymore…” Shizuki shook her head. “That’s not why I put my foot down…” “Huh?” “I had one friend… She yelled at the bullies for me…but the next day, her—Eiri’s—shoes were stolen. She’d gotten caught up in the bullying, too. All because of me.” “Oh no…” “The people around me just get hurt… I shouldn’t make friends…because I’m the worst.” “That’s not true!” “I decided not to make friends.” Now I understood what she meant by that. “Shizuki, you’re not the worst. You’re our precious, amazing little sister. You came all the way up here because you were worried about me!” I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I moved closer under the futon and hugged Shizuki tightly. “It’s okay, Shizuki. If anyone ever bullies you, we’ll protect you. You have three big sisters, after all…!” I’d been bullied myself. Back then, I’d been too scared to even say stop and just cried. But… “I can be strong if it’s for my family.” …I wanted to protect Shizuki. With that thought, a spark of courage flared in the empty darkness. “…” Shizuki was quiet for a while. Just when I started to think she might be dozing off… “I really…can’t…” “What?” “I…can’t be part of the family…” “You don’t like us?” “That’s not it…but…” She didn’t say anything after that. “Shizuki, you’re our little sister. From here on out, we’ll always be together…” I pressed my face into her glossy black hair and took a deep breath, letting her scent fill my body. This time, it was my turn to pat Shizuki’s back. “It’s okay, Shizuki. You’re okay now… No matter what happens, we all love you. So—” Drowsiness suddenly came over me, and my head got fuzzy. I tried to stay awake, but my eyelids kept closing on their own… “So don’t worry… Just join the family…” Drifting off, I heard Shizuki’s voice. “Just for today…I will.” “Just for today…?” I thought that’s what I’d heard, so I asked again. The wind and rain echoing far away had quieted just a bit. Shizuki didn’t answer…and eventually, I drifted off to sleep.