Time blurs people. Even things we promise never to forget fade with time. But so do the pains and sorrows we thought wouldn’t ever disappear. Amid all of that, one thing never blurs and is instead carved indelibly into my mind.
On a day just after summer break ended, I was sitting on a bench behind the library, escaping from the hot sun. Even in this shady corner of the campus, people came and went in the morning rush. People who hadn’t seen each other over the break met again with excited voices as they walked along the path in front of me. As I watched them, I heard someone running toward me. The nostalgic sound stopped nearby.
“Good morning, Wataya.”
I hadn’t seen that face all year. Naruse was smiling as he greeted me.
“Good morning, Naruse. Looks like it’s gonna be another hot day.”
“It does. It’s so hot, I decided to buy some ice cream at the convenience store.”
“Nice. What kind do you like?”
“I’d have to go with the ones shaped like a soft-serve cone.”
As we chatted like we’d just seen each other the day before, some more people walked by.
“Hey, Naruse, you’re back!”
They seemed to be friends of his. He looked up and said hello. They walked over to him.
“You look kind of different,” one of them said.
“Hmm? Oh, I’m not sure. I might have gained some muscle. I was doing a lot of heavy lifting.”
“Heavy lifting? Is everything all right now?”
“Yeah, thankfully. I got all the paperwork in; I’m back at school starting today.”
I could tell they were treading carefully for his sake, and he smiled in response. He hadn’t told his university friends what he’d been doing for the past year. Since he’d won the prize under the name Tooru Kamiya, they didn’t know it was him, and they probably couldn’t imagine it in their wildest dreams. But I knew. I knew what he’d been doing for the last year. I knew what he’d gained.
“Is it okay if I don’t give you an answer right away?” I’d asked him that day after the award ceremony when he told me again how he felt. To my embarrassment, I’d cried in front of him, and I was far from gathering my own thoughts. But I promised that I would eventually give him an answer.
“That’s no problem. I’ll wait as long as it takes.”
The next day, I met Tooru’s sister at a café downtown. I told her about my conversation with Naruse after the party and everything that had led up to it. I also told her how he felt about me.
“I never imagined you’d be boasting to me one day about your love life!” she said with a smile, setting her cup of black tea down.
“Boasting? I didn’t mean for it to sound like that.”
“I was joking.”
“…Oh.”
We smiled amiably at each other. I could never have imagined this right after Tooru’s death. If I could have seen into the future to this scene, I know I would have been dumbfounded.
“Anyway, I…well, I decided not to force myself to forget Tooru.”
I described to her how my feelings toward Tooru had changed. I felt embarrassed, but I knew I could tell his sister anything. I wanted her to know.
“It seems you’ve discovered something important,” she said kindly when I was done. Smiling softly, she went on. “To me, sadness was something to forget. All I knew how to do was forget it. But you’ve found something new within your sadness, haven’t you?”
“It’s nothing so praiseworthy as that. It’s just…I cared so much about Tooru, and it’s like I realized how much I did. I realized that even after he died, I didn’t stop caring for him, that my feelings didn’t change.”
Maybe I had been at a loss about what to do with my feelings for the person I loved after he died. But I didn’t need to get rid of them or to grieve their loss. They were still here. Something that exists does not disappear. I simply needed to acknowledge it and value it.
Maybe what I was saying sounded childish to Tooru’s sister. Nevertheless, she listened intently.
“If you wrote a novel now, you might end up with something different.”
“Different?”
“Yes. In a way, novels reflect how the person writing them sees the world. Although there is a limit to the types of stories that can exist, there is no limit to the perspectives a person can have of the world. I call it style, and as long as there is style, there will be an endless supply of the kind of novels you and I like.”
I listened in a daze. His sister gave her beautiful, infinitely elegant smile.
“Within that world, what kind of novel will you write?”
That evening, I returned to the city where I lived. I spent the rest of summer vacation quietly, thinking over many things. When the fall semester began, Naruse returned to school. He greeted me as if nothing had happened. I replied as usual. He had many friends, and lots of people were happy to see him back at the university.
Once again, he became a part of my daily life. Our mutual friend invited me to go out to the pub with a few friends to celebrate his return. He didn’t act flustered around me. He smiled calmly, gently. Sometimes, he had his camera around his neck. He seemed to love that camera. When he took pictures around campus, people he knew would come up to him. They would talk a little, and then he would take their picture. In front of him, everyone smiled.