I hadn’t expected him to ask me the same question, and it got me thinking. I liked novels, but I’d never considered writing one. In junior high, my family situation didn’t leave mental space for that. And high school was dominated by my studies and Maori’s amnesia. Maori had drawing. Tooru had photography. And I…
“I’ve never thought about writing anything, either. But maybe I could. When things calm down, maybe I’ll give it a try. I’ll win the new writer prize while I’m still in university, and everyone will praise me as a beautiful young authoress. I’ll do talk events with your sister and stuff.”
Although I’d been joking around, Tooru smiled placidly.
“I’ll be first in line to get your signature.”
“Hey, at least make fun of me for calling myself a beautiful young authoress! If you don’t, I’ll be embarrassed!”
“Why? It’s true. You’re pretty.”
“…You sure have a knack for saying embarrassing things with a straight face. I thought the same thing when you took my picture this morning. I’d forgotten that about you.”
He got all flustered, which made me smile. I wondered if I was making the same face I’d made in those pictures. But maybe it was okay, just for today, because Maori wasn’t there.
I wanted to smile because I was happy and because I was with Tooru.
I thought about that as we joked around some more. The concert in the gym ended. I checked the time on my phone and realized that the school festival was almost over.
“I guess it’s time to go back to class,” I said.
“Is it already that late? It went by so fast.”
We grinned at each other and stood up from the bench. I glanced at the door leading inside. Just then, I glimpsed something move on the other side of the glass. For a split second, I thought I saw long black hair flying.
“What’s wrong, Wataya?” Tooru asked warily.
“Hmm? Oh, nothing,” I answered, walking toward the door.
Someone must have been about to come out onto the roof but turned around when they saw someone else there. I started to ascend the short staircase leading up to the door, planning to go back inside. Suddenly, the glimpse of long black hair made me think of Maori.
“By the way,” I said, stopping and turning around. Tooru was right behind me. When I realized he was there…it happened. My lips inadvertently brushed his cheek as I turned my head. I think we both widened our eyes at the same moment. It was a complete accident.
“Sorry,” I said, turning my face away like it was nothing.
“No, I’m sorry,” he apologized. He knew it was no more than a coincidence, and he didn’t act weird about it.
“Anyway, I was going to say,” I went on, pretending to be calm. I was going to bring up Maori’s amnesia, so I looked around to make sure no one was there before lowering my voice to a whisper. “About Maori… I think you know this, but it would probably be better not to tell her about today. I don’t know what tomorrow’s Maori will think about it, but she might feel sad if she knew the two of us had so much fun together at the festival.”
Maybe because I’d brought up her amnesia, his expression grew serious. A moment later, though, it softened.
“Thank you for always putting Hino first,” he said.
“Why should you thank me?”
“Why not? I can be grateful to you.”
We smiled at each other again, then walked up the short staircase and went inside. After we went down the stairs leading to the lower floor, Tooru said he needed to go to the staff room, and we split up.
“Well, Wataya, thanks for today.”
“Thank you, too.”
“Don’t study too hard.”
“I won’t.”
He walked off toward the staff room. I silently watched his back. After he disappeared from view, I remembered my lips brushing his cheek. I softly brought my finger to my mouth. I had a hopeless crush on him. But tomorrow, I would have to put it out of my mind. In front of Maori, I had to keep my distance from him.
“Izumi…”
Just then, someone murmured my name. And it wasn’t just anyone. I recognized that familiar voice. I jerked my head around. There she was, with her beautiful, long black hair—Maori, smiling half-heartedly, in the hallway.
It took me a few seconds to register what was happening. She was supposed to be at home with a fever, but instead she was here in front of me.
“Huh? …Maori? What about your cold?” I asked, hiding how shaken I felt. She looked like she was going to cry.
“…I slept for a little while, and I felt better. So…”
Her next words wrung my heart.
“I wanted to see you. When I read yesterday’s journal, it said you were going to study during the school festival, but… I thought maybe we could go around together. I thought I’d surprise you, so I came to school after lunch, and…”
She’d come just to see me. But I hadn’t even noticed her there. Not only that…
“I’m sorry, Izumi. Was the person you were with just now Tooru Kamiya? I looked at his picture this morning, and I vaguely remember seeing him before my accident.”
She was apologizing even though she hadn’t done anything wrong. I could tell she was desperately forcing herself to smile as she asked me if it was him. I explained the situation with equal desperation.
“Yes, that was him. Your boyfriend, Tooru Kamiya. I told him you had a fever today. He wanted to go to the festival with you, but he must have thought I looked worn out from studying, and…so as a sort of break, we decided to check out the festival. He and I are friends. I said he must be lonely because you weren’t there. And so…”
“Izumi…do you like Tooru Kamiya?”
“What, why? He’s just a friend.”
“I saw the two of you walking around the festival. Not just that. I knew I shouldn’t have; I knew I should have stopped…but I saw you talking on the roof, too. You looked happy. My, well, my yesterday is different from everyone else’s…so I can see certain things. You were looking at him like you cared about him a lot.”
I was shocked speechless. I’d wondered why she was always able to notice my feelings for Tooru so quickly. Now I knew. To Maori, I was the Izumi from before her accident. I must have changed enough that the discrepancy between my two selves was enough to tip her off. Especially when I was with Tooru.
“I’m really getting in your way, aren’t I? I’m sorry,” she said. She smiled, but she couldn’t hide the tears that slid down her eyes. She turned around, hesitated for a second, then started running.
“Maori… Maori!”
I ran after her. If I didn’t catch up with her, I knew it would be bad. I would be making her sad over and over. That was the one thing I wanted to prevent no matter what.
I cared about her tremendously. I knew she was better for Tooru than I was. I knew they were truly in love.
“I’m the one who’s getting in the way!” I shouted down the empty hallway. Fortunately, no one else was around. No one to give me nasty looks for yelling.
I saw her react to my words. She slowed down, then finally stopped and looked at me. I ran up to her, panting.
“Listen to me, Maori. I’ll explain everything!”
“Izumi.”
“I…I do like Kamiya.”
I said it. I went and said it. I told her. I confessed.
But I couldn’t let my words and feelings stop there.
“But above all else…I care about the two of you. You, and Kamiya when he’s with you. And you when you’re with Kamiya.”
I hadn’t thought up those words in advance—they came naturally in the moment. And I was struck by them. It wasn’t just Tooru. I cared just as much about Maori and about the two of them together.
When I said it, something strange happened. Maori looked even more startled. As I wondered why, my vision blurred. Then I realized—I was crying. That was why she was surprised.
The tears stung…but they were also warm.
For the first time, I cried for a reason other than being sad.
I was always disappointed in myself, always giving up on myself. I thought I was cold, someone whose thoughts no one could guess. I never thought of the things I did as pure or beautiful.
Nothing like Tooru did, loving someone else more than himself.
Or like Maori, fighting against despair and still managing to believe in the future.
I didn’t think anything so beautiful existed inside of me. But in that moment, I realized that in a certain way, I was like them. I was forced to realize it.
I cared about Tooru. I cared about Maori. I cared even more about the two of them together.
They meant more to me than my own self. That wasn’t a lie. It was the one pure, beautiful thing inside of me.
I wiped my tears away and continued on the best I could.
“I don’t think today’s you knows Kamiya very well yet. But you really are a great couple. Just read your journal and you’ll see. You’ll see how much he loves you. How much he treasures you. How much you…care for him. I haven’t read your journal, but I know that much.”
Maori had clearly changed since she’d started dating Tooru. She still lived with the despair of having anterograde amnesia, but she enjoyed her life. I knew her better than anyone. That was why I was so sure.
“The two of you mean more to me than my own self.”
Words are always vague, no matter whether you say too much or too little; they never really convey what you’re thinking. Ambiguous signs. Fragmented emotions. Still, I hoped my feelings got through to her. I wanted her to understand.