“I bet you’ve never had a passionate love affair, Wataya.”
It was the end of May when a freshman innocently said that to me. I’d gone to the back of the library where it was shady and cool to escape the warm sunshine of early summer.
The freshman’s last name was Naruse, and we’d only met one month ago. He was a year below me at university. Mystifyingly, he had a crush on me. But like every other freshman getting his first taste of freedom, he ran his mouth sometimes. Right now, for example, he was panicking over what he’d blurted out on the spur of the moment.
I’m not the kind of woman to have a “passionate affair.”
Naruse is honest, in a good way. I’ve got short hair and an emotionless face. Add in my blunt personality, and it wasn’t a crazy conclusion to draw. Even I don’t think I’m the type for it. What does “a passionate love affair” even mean? It’s a hackneyed, vague phrase. And how many people our age have experienced something like that?
Still…
“You just don’t know me,” I said.
If passionate affairs include broken hearts, then I had one in high school.
But no one knows that. The truth is buried deep in my heart. I don’t even think the person I felt that way about realized my feelings. Only I know about this heartbreak, this affair.
I checked the time. I needed to go to class, so I said goodbye to Naruse and left.
My answer must have surprised him because his eyes widened briefly.
About two weeks later, he confessed his feelings for me at the university library.
“I…like you.”
I was caught slightly off guard, but I had an answer ready. I don’t have a desire to date anyone. Now and in the past, there has been only one person of the opposite sex I’ve ever been romantically interested in. He was an odd character, like me, and we had the same interests. I thought he’d never be able to forget himself and fall in love with another person.
But I was wrong.
Through him, I saw up close how relationships can transform people. As I watched him change, I felt somehow like I was being left behind.
I felt like nothing was beginning for me. Like nothing could begin.
“I’ll date you, but under one condition,” I said to Naruse.
As you might expect, my softly spoken words faintly echoed in the quiet library.
“You can’t fall in love with me. Can you promise me that?”
Naruse looked surprised. But I was even more shocked. I couldn’t believe myself. Why did I go and say that?
Was it because he looked slightly like that other guy?
Was it because I wanted to lose myself in a relationship and let it change me?
Or was it that I wanted to forget about that other guy…?
Whatever the reason, I could still play it off as joke if I wanted. I could end it before it started.
But after hesitating for a moment, Naruse faced me and said very clearly, “Yes.”