Immediately afterwards, the screens once again displayed their feeds. The endlessly lined up monitors displayed one large image, as if they were all connected; sure, each monitor had a distinct border. But, taking in the sight as a whole, it felt like the entire wall had become a single TV screen.
The camera, which up until just now was only able to show Utena’s face, now displayed her whole body. The image was broken up by grid-like screen borders, but she still struck a magnificent standing figure and gave off a slightly flashy impression, somehow. She wore a tiara-like decoration on her head. In her hands, she gripped a microphone that looked like a magical girl’s transformation stick. She was still wearing her uniform, but her face was all smiles, and she was jumping around like a rabbit.
“What the heck is this?” I asked, moved to shame by this outlandish sight. It looked like Kousuke didn’t have an answer for my question because he, too, was staring like an idiot with his mouth agape.
Apparently, Utena was standing on a stage. The stage, which was built with what looked like countless interlocked matchsticks, was lit with a bright spotlight. It was probably just the angle of the camera, but I found it hard to tell the shapes and sizes of the people in the large crowd apart; they appeared as a bunch of shadows around the stage. Those people were currently waving their hands, with extreme enthusiasm, in time to Utena’s movements.
It was like some idol’s concert, not like I’ve ever seen that sort of thing in person. But you’ll encounter this type of event, whether you like it or not, when you watch TV.
The charmingly decorated Utena was smiling broadly as she waved to the crowd. She seemed very excited, and she was blushing as she shed drops of sweat while singing enthusiastically. This was an incomprehensible sight, bordering on the unbelievable, and because I was watching it through a set of monitors, it felt even less real; this composite image was like a TV show.
“W-what the heck?” I stuttered. “That’s Kagamimori-san...right?”
“I’m turning on the audio,” Kousuke said. “I can’t change the volume, though, so it might be a bit loud.” I curled up and retreated slightly from the shock. Looking at me exasperatedly out of the corner of his eyes, Kousuke tapped his smartbug.
Instantly, an explosion of sound boomed out from the speakers. “THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU ALL SO MUUUUCCHHHH!!!” It was Utena’s voice, piercingly sharp and metallic.
She was standing, enthralled in performing, and clinging to the mic stand in front of her. Taking a moment to breathe, I raised my head and looked at the monitors again. Just as I expected, her smile was like an innocent child’s.
“For coming to my live!” she gushed. “No, for coming to hear Utena sing! No, thanks for being born!! I love you all! Utena is also super, suuuper happy!!!” In response to Utena’s shouting voice, the crowd raised a roar as loud as the ocean. They were cheering, clapping in rhythm, stamping their feet...the countless sounds blended together, and it felt like they would last forever.
As if she was parting the sea of noise, Utena gripped her mic like a handgun; she closed one eye, and started to sing. “WHY CAN’T I SEE? WHY CAN’T I SEE???” Raising her fist, Utena spun her song, and the crowd cheered in chorus. In the cramped control room, her voice echoed in the empty space, and it felt like it was striking my entire body.
✦ ✦ ✦
The numbing reverberation was actually painful, and I folded up, trying to make my body smaller. Utena had a lisp, so I couldn’t make out most of the actual lyrics— it was like the cry of a bird or cat.
The position for the audio receiver must have been bad. While I could easily hear the thick melody of the song, I could only hear Utena singing intermittently— even though she was singing with all her heart, opening her mouth so wide one would think it’s her entire face— and it made me worried.
“It’s in English.” Kousuke quietly murmured. “That Kagamimori, she’s surprisingly good at studying. Because her parents are strict, or rather, it’s because she has to keep them happy, you see... I’m not sure, but she’s probably singing in English.” While messing around with his smartbug, Kousuke tried to fix the audio.
Eventually, Utena’s singing voice came through clearly: “ALL THE COLORS THAT YOU SEE???” As if it was inside out, Utena’s voice was piercing enough to cut steel.
Somehow, I’m able to listen to it and translate the lyrics in my head: Why can’t I see, why can’t I see, all the colors that you see... But that singing voice...I felt like it didn’t fit the saccharine and cute Utena, enough that I could say it felt unnatural, because there was a bitterness to the voice. It was like she was appealing to someone, “please don’t kill me.”
“PLEASE CAN I BE...PLEASE CAN I BE—” Pitched forward, Utena looked around the crowd, and her eyes were glittering like stardust. It looked like she was watching a dream; those moist eyes reflected the shapes of the crowd, which had become nothing but shadowy silhouettes. Utena shook her body as if she was courting them, painfully twisting her hips...she was keenly trying to express something.
“—COLORFUL AND...” Did she lose her breath on that final word? The last word that she squeezed out in something near a whisper— “free”— echoed. An interim song started playing, and Utena let out a rough breath, as if she had just been running full tilt. It looked like she was writhing in pain and agony, and it made me wonder why she was going through so much trouble to sing; I just couldn’t understand it.
However, even if I was with her, I don’t think I’d be able to tell her to stop. She’s betting her life on this. I felt such a strong drive from her, as if to say ‘It’s fine if I die after this song.’ She had the vigor of a demon, although I’m not sure why.
Wiping the sweat on her cheek with her sleeve, Utena stretched as if she was pulling herself upward, like a puppet entangled in its own strings. The motion looked involuntary, as if she wasn’t moving under her own will, or like how when one practices something over and over countlessly, until their body moves on its own. I’m the same when I work at my family’s store, where I can space out and still sort inventory, even while watching a daydream.
Absorbed in the event, Utena took a deep breath, and infused her body with fighting spirit. She started singing again: “WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON?! CAN SOMEONE TELL ME PLEASE—” Belting out a long phrase all at once, Utena muddled the end of it, earnestly moistening her eyes. Even the frenzied audience swallowed their breaths, so as to watch over her. I was also drawn in, and at some point I abandoned thought and immersed myself in the spectacle.
I still don’t know what this feed is supposed to be. Why is Utena an idol? I wondered. But, I was absolutely fascinated. Everything about her shone.
Ahh, I thought wistfully. Would I ever be able to become this absorbed in something? To become so desperate and serious for something that I would squeeze out every last drop of my vitality— would that happen even once in my life? Me, who is just letting myself rot, allowing every day to pass around me... At this rate, it’s like I haven’t lived at all; instead, I’m just dying slowly. I was a little jealous of Utena.
The strong, dark feelings, like pain and anguish, brought on by listening to her song turned my head into a mess. Without realizing it, I clutched at my head— it hurt— like it was splitting.
Utena was trying to live with all of her might, and I was hit by the force of it before I’d had any chance to prepare myself. I felt like I’d be crushed into dust. Kousuke looked at me, slightly worried; I didn’t react at all to that gaze, and instead remained fixated on the monitors.
“WHY I’M SWITCHING FASTER THAN THE CHANNELS ON TV—” Utena’s singing voice resounded so rapidly that I found myself losing the will to keep translating. Every once in a while, her body was enveloped by the crowd of shadows, dyeing it in darkness. Yet as I had that thought, her body was bathed in a spotlight, which bleached it once more. My eyes hurt with all the flashing. Like an image off of an old monochrome-era TV, the light switched on and off with dizzying speed. Black, then white, blackwhiteblackwhiteblackwhite... “—I’M black THEN I’M white. NO!!! SOMETHING ISN’T RIGHT!!” There, the feed was abruptly cut.