I wonder: since when did I stop placing my expectations on things? It would be easy if I could just chalk it up to, ‘I was born with this personality.’ Of course, genetics is a factor, but a person’s personality is also made by their environment and how they were raised.
Well, it’s probably not all exterior factors. For example, if I was born into a rich family like Utena was. Or if I was at the wrong end of some intense bullying like Torii is. Or, like Kurashima, if I was born in the city— no, as a boy. As expected, my personality would be changed accordingly.
But, well, one can’t change themselves as if they were changing channels on a TV. If there’s anything someone didn’t like about themselves, the only recourse would be to change that slowly over time.
Although, the only thing I can do is live as myself.
“Aaaah,” I sighed. I couldn’t help but think about it.
I jogged over to the suspicious-looking mascot. As I got closer, my thoughts kept going off on tangents. The human mind can’t bear extended monotonous work. A brain with too much free time will start thinking about meaningless things, much like seeing a dream.
“Aaahhhh—” I heaved another sigh. Since when, I wonder? Since when was it that I stopped living, even though I’m alive? That I started to just accept my situation and let events flow past me? That I became just a face in the masses, only eating what was fed to me, like a baby chick.
I feel like I had been different in the past. Every day was fun, and there were so many things I wanted to do that 24 hours in a day just wasn’t enough. When the entire world was unknown to me, and it felt like an amusement park. The world was fun, and I was running about, engrossed in it.
Where should I go tomorrow, and what should I play? It was a fact that tomorrow would be way better than today, and those days piled on one after the other, making life shine. I was free, and filled to overflowing with hopes and dreams. Enough that I had no time to watch something like TV.
Although every once in a while I was asked to mind the shop, making me sulk. And while I was making a sour face at the store counter, at some point he’d be standing out front... And with a smile, while waving his hand lightly, he’d pull me out into an even more sparkling world.
Afterwards, I’d always be harshly scolded for abandoning the store. I wasn’t sorry at all though.
I had just been happy to laugh together with him, going, Today was fun too, wasn’t it?
“..................” It wasn’t very far away, so I reached the mascot character quickly. Even up close, the design was weird. It was hard to tell from far away, but it seemed this mascot was supposed to be a panda. No, the color seemed to have been sucked out of it. It was a strange mascot made up of white and black.
It was the definition of suspicious, so while making sure I could run away at any time, I inspected the mascot from up close. It looked like he was beckoning to me with his hand, and those movements seemed nostalgic to me, somehow. So I ended up running over at full speed, although it wasn’t like me.
“Yo, Snail,” the mascot said in a muffled voice.
Rather than being surprised, I thought, Oh, of course. Somehow, I could tell. I was always stuck at the store, so I was a “snail.” Nowadays there’s no one who would call me by that nickname, though.
“What the heck are you doing, Kousuke?” Unusually for me, I spoke casually from the beginning. Even if I talked formally to this guy, he’d probably just be creeped out. What an obnoxious guy.
“Thank god you noticed,” he said. “I was thinking it would be hard to call just you over. And if that was the case, then forcefully taking you away by hand would be my only choice... But you remembered the secret sign.” The mascot awkwardly made a strange sign using both of its hands. It looked like the mascot was just waving its hands, but from the shape of those hands it was apparently trying to send a message.
As I stood dumbfounded, I started feeling a little sorry.
“No, actually I forgot...” I admitted. “But that really is nostalgic, isn’t it? While I was stuck behind the counter, you’d pretend to be a pedestrian and send me hand signs. This was ‘Let’s play.’ This was ‘Meet up in the secret base later.’ This was ‘When can we play?’” I also started to mimic our old hand signs. All of them had to do with going out to play, but that had just been a sign of our age. Like Kousuke’s grandfather— his ancestors had been military men, or something similar— we had used hand signs (which we modified from the ones written down in a book we found) to communicate. At least, I think they were. It might all just be something Kousuke made up.
Alternating, we exchanged hand signs, though we were no longer the proper age to enjoy such things.
Starting to feel depressed, I stopped signing and started speaking normally. “What the heck are you even doing? I’d heard that you were also in this alternate dimension— no, this amusement park. But why in a mascot costume? Are you an idiot?”
“I’m not an idiot,” he objected, “I’m a hero. You, I’ll show you something good, so come with me for a bit. This way, this way♪”
“A hero?” I questioned. “You’re still saying that stuff?”
Kousuke admired people like his military ancestors, or Tokusatsu heroes that were being broadcast in the early morning on TV. When we were small children, we would wave around sticks and play in a secret base we made in the mountains. But we’re already in high school.
Being pulled along by my hand, I had no choice but to follow along with him. In the past I was taller than Kousuke, so I could push him around, but now I can no longer measure up to his strength. Turning around, I saw in the distance that Torii was nestling up to Utena, who was starting to droop over in her sleep.
She probably doesn’t have any interest in what’s going on here, as she’s not even looking this way. If it’s just for a little while, I should be able to leave without any problems. Hrmm— but that’s a little heartless.
They’re rare and precious people that I was actually able to talk to, that I was able to meet, in this baffling place. We should be going around together, so I felt a little guilty leaving them like this.
“Wait,” I said. “We should take Torii and Utena along with us.”
“It’s fine,” Kousuke reassured me. “I won’t take up that much of your time. Just come along, Snail.”
“Don’t call me ‘Snail,’” I objected, “we’re already in high school.”
“But you really are slow,” he teased. “exactly like a snail... So then what, do you want me to call you ‘Denkiya-san?’ You wouldn’t like that either, right? What about ‘Hitomi-chan?’” Kousuke was still pulling me along as he replied to me without much thought. “It’ll be fine, don’t worry. Just leave it to me, Sn...Hitomi. I’ll save you.”
“I don’t get it. Are you trying to pretend that you’re still a kid?” I continued to be dragged along as I muttered complaints. I’m being swept along again, though I could resist with all my might if I felt like it. I just don’t really have that kind of willpower.
Since when was it that I started just letting myself be swept along like this?
Kousuke got caught up in his parent’s circumstances... He ended up as Utena’s flunky, and our happy friendship was cut off. Our bond had been torn apart.
Even though I waited for him in my store. My childhood friend, who would have come to take me out into the sparkling radiance, never came at all. I was left sitting behind the counter, with my chin resting in my hands and staring out of the storefront, while feeling empty and lifeless. Eventually, I started to ignore the storefront and stared at the TVs decorating the place instead.
Putting everything behind me, I stopped holding any hopes or expectations in anything.
This childhood friend of mine— where in the world could he be trying to lead me now, after being gone for so long?