“…You moron,” Yae heard from beside her. The golden tiger had slipped under the comforter and was looking at her with round, critical eyes. There was no way she would sleep next to him if he were in his human form, but she couldn’t help herself when it came to fluffiness. The white tiger was sprawled out on the opposite side with his tail wrapped around her thigh.
“You should’ve left that thing to its fate,” Arai muttered. He was unable to hide his dissatisfaction at Yae’s promise to try to heal Hotaru.
“It might have been a little careless of me…,” Yae answered while petting his golden head, and the tiger snorted. The quietness of night had sobered her somewhat from the exhilaration she felt earlier. There was nothing as hard as failure after getting people’s hopes up.
“I guess you’ll be able to stay here if you do manage to heal him, though. You could even return to Kaki Province,” he added. There was nothing wrong about what he said, but the hand she was using to pet him froze. That was true. Many possibilities would open up for Yae if she successfully healed Hotaru.
“…Which province would be better for you two?” Yae asked. She actually wanted to ask which province she should choose so that they would stay with her forever, but she didn’t have the courage.
“I would hate either one, obviously,” he answered.
“…That figures.” Miya Province was made up of the descendants of the people who sealed him, and the people of Kaki Province had maintained his seal. She was sure he detested them both just as fiercely. If Yae chose one of those provinces, she would eventually have to part ways with Arai and Sui.
“You didn’t accept that request just because those pups begged you to. You just couldn’t say no in front of that crowd. Are you that scared of disappointing other people?” Arai said with exasperation. His words pierced straight through her heart like an arrow. She wanted to deny what he was saying, to tell him it wasn’t just fear, but she couldn’t right away. “Those people couldn’t care less about you. Why should you concern yourself with what they think?” He sounded like he truly didn’t understand her.
That’s easy to say for someone who has been showered with affection for most of their life. A shadow fell over Yae’s heart. She had lived to a decent age if she combined her last life and her current one, but there were still times when painful memories from her past surfaced in her mind.
She remembered the image of her college boyfriend, laughing more happily around another girl than he ever had around her. Did he ever smile that wide and with that much joy when they were alone together? And at work, she was always greeted after her coworkers. Whether it was a “good morning,” an invitation to lunch, or a “nice job” after returning to the office, when people addressed her, it was always with a blank smile as if just remembering she was there.
These were all trivial things that it would have been weird to get worked up about. People were always unconsciously treating her as an afterthought, even if it was to a small degree. That they did it unconsciously was what made her so miserable. It might have been paranoia, but she couldn’t escape the feeling. She still hadn’t entirely escaped it. She felt like she had reached a place where she could begin to change, but she couldn’t take that next step.
The desire to be loved should have been a beautiful thing, but Yae felt embarrassed by it.
“Putting on a good face for others like that won’t help you in the slightest,” Arai declared, having grown impatient waiting for Yae’s response.
I was afraid of speaking too loudly and waking Sui, Yae thought, making up an obvious excuse. Yae couldn’t stop herself from thinking about how cowardly she was, almost saying something like that with no genuine concern. “I know that,” she said.
“No you don’t,” Arai retorted. He had watched over her in Kaki Province as Kuroashi. He might have a better understanding of Yae’s personality than she did herself.
“…I’m going to sleep,” Yae said.
“Hey, stop crying. What do you have to cry about?”
“I’m not crying.” That was a lie. She could feel her eyelids growing moist. I’m crying because you didn’t say you’d stay with me even though you hate both places. That thought, unfair as it was, crossed her mind. He had tried to kill Yae once, and he still hadn’t apologized for that. He just stayed by her side as if nothing was wrong. He had also accepted her in large part because she had healed his brother. It was possible that he was only staying with her now as a preventative measure to keep the deformation from coming back. Just like that, Yae once again lost herself in thought.
“…Yae, do you have something you wanna say to me?” the golden tiger suddenly asked in a hard voice.
“No.” She did, but she couldn’t say that. Even now, Yae was an afterthought to Arai. So how could she even think of sharing her messy, embarrassing desires with him? Arai acts like he has no filter, but he’s barely opened up to me at all.
Yae grabbed his golden head in her arms and forced her eyelids shut. Arai snorted in resignation.
Unsurprisingly, Yae couldn’t sleep because of Hotaru’s crying. She looked closely at the tiger brothers, who were both sound asleep and lying defenseless on their backs, before she stealthily slipped out of the room. Large iron torches were lit throughout Miya Province at night, so there was no need for her to prepare a light source. She emerged onto the veranda and looked up at the moon, which resembled half of a broken plate. She then started slowly down the stairs built along the wall of the cliff.
I should’ve put on a coat… As a matter of fact, Yae was responsible for popularizing hooded ponchos in Kaki Province. It was currently the standard winter coat in the village. She had surprised people with her realistic drawings as well. I wonder if the cable-knit poncho would catch on in Miya Province, too, if I chose to stay here.
Yae continued her thoughts as she walked toward the river where Hotaru was. She had even popularized clothes hangers. The women of the village had been so thankful to her for the insect-repelling balm she had made. Everyone was always really happy when she made hair ornaments and other accessories. I wonder if the only reason it felt like people were keeping their distance from me was because I didn’t open up to them myself. Now that Yae was looking back on her memories, she realized lots of people had reached out to her. Her intense desire to be liked had clouded her vision.