If only I could bring myself not to care about her, I thought. But trying not to care about her might mean exactly the same as caring about her.
Always.
As she greeted the classmates who she knew would just ignore her, Yano, as always, grinned smugly. I was the only one who knew there was more to it, that she wasn’t just messed up.
I was the only one who knew that she did it because she was afraid.
Every morning, she smiled because she was afraid of something. Despite all that she had done.
Wasn’t all this because she purposely made everyone so aware of her? Wasn’t it because she took the time to speak to the people who bullied her? Wasn’t it because of all her peculiar quirks and deeds? This was purely hypothetical, but all she had to do to alleviate the situation was to stop acting this way.
In other words, perhaps all of the day-to-day bullying was not the biggest source of her fear.
Perhaps it was even simpler than that. The answer wasn’t that it was because she was the class whipping girl or because she was her own strange self.
It was a fear so simple that anyone could grasp it.
Perhaps what she feared most was that she would be ignored again today.
I saw each of Yano’s steps as if in slow motion, as if sped up. Of course, truthfully, it was neither. She walked as she always did, her limbs swaying, with our classmates occasionally recoiling in fear of rubbing sleeves with her.
All of my thoughts and emotions that had floated up throughout the night began to swirl within my mind.
I should have decided something before I met her again today.
I should have chosen something before I arrived.
Such as, who I was.
Such as, what a monster was.
Such as, what attitude I ought to take towards Yano.
Such as, what my true place was within this class.
If I hadn’t decided, then all I had done last night had been for the sake of no one. I wouldn’t have such worries if I just came to a decision, I thought.
And yet, I had thought the whole night through, and chosen nothing, decided nothing.
There was also the choice to think nothing at all. But I hadn’t even decided whether I should do that.
I really, truly, had not decided anything at all. And yet…
“Good…morning.”
The voice wove itself through the cracks between everyone in the room, resounding. It was a strange greeting, the voice wavering, the tone peculiar.
We were sensitive to these things. Our eyes and ears were sharper than the adults even realized, so that we could always spot things weaker than us, bad things. It never took us long to spot the odd one out.
I’m sure that everyone in the room heard that strange greeting. The flow of time soon returned to normal in the classroom, perhaps because it was typical if it was Yano who was that odd man out.
I don’t think anyone actually realized who had spoken, nor who the words had been directed to.
Even I didn’t know.
I have no idea why I would do such a thing, since I hadn’t decided anything.
Only Yano, who was always grinning, looked right at me with surprise on her face.
She looked straight at me; the human, the monster.
She saw Acchi.
I swallowed thickly.
She was the only one who knew both of them.
She was the only one who knew both of my horrible forms.
And yet she did not avert her eyes one bit.
She regarded me wholly, as Acchi, with those two great big eyes.
She saw both sides of me.
The moment I realized that, I moved my mouth once more.
“Good morning.”
The second time this greeting was spoken, everyone, including me, realized just who had said it and who the words were directed towards.
Yano knew as well. The greeting had reached her. I knew that it had from her lazy smile.
It wasn’t her normal grin. The corners of her mouth were raised only slightly—a natural, unforced smile. Perhaps I was the only one who realized: this was her true smile.
“You finally found your…way,” she said, her voice excessively loud. I didn’t reproach her for it.
I thought about what I was doing.
Was I a traitor to our shared unity? Had I defected to Yano’s side? I sifted through a lot of possible conclusions, but I really did not think it was all that serious. Finally, Yano had said, but I think even that was overstating it.
It was just a greeting. Nothing more than a simple greeting. That was something that either version of me could accomplish.
And yet…
“What gives?” asked Yano, tilting her short neck.
I thought she was asking me why I had decided to return her greeting today. Still, a greeting wasn’t something that should arouse any suspicion.
I tried to answer, to convey that to her, my lips quivering so violently that even I could feel it, but that was wrong.
“Acchi-kun, why…are you crying?”
It was only when she said it that I noticed. My vision had gone hazy, and my throat felt tight. Something was running down my cheeks.
What was this? I didn’t understand. Why should I be crying? I wasn’t sad or anything.
Quickly, I wiped my face on my sleeve.
“Acchi, what’s going on?” I heard Kudou ask from the seat beside me.
Somehow, I doubted that her concern was directed towards my tears.
She probably believed that I had gone off course. If that was what she thought, though, then I’m sorry to say it, but she was wrong.
The part of me that believed that Yano was strange was still there. The way she had treated Midorikawa, what she had done to Iguchi, that behavior was still twisted, still wrong. I could not abandon the part of me who believed that.
But I had finally come to realize that another me had been here all along as well. The me who thought that Yano might not be an entirely bad person. The me who couldn’t believe that it was all right to bully a girl who loved talking about the music, manga, and movies she enjoyed. That me had been here all along, and not only at night.
I hadn’t decided anything.
Even after thinking the whole night through, I was unable to choose a single course.
But I knew now, I realized, that both of my selves were reflected in Yano’s eyes.
The me of the night, who could not ignore Yano-san.
The me of the day, who did not want to be hated.
Neither of them was a good person.
And so neither me could save you.
But I could at least hear your voice and return it in kind.
That was something that either side of me could do.
Perhaps it was strange, perhaps it was incomprehensible.
Perhaps it was even a little messed up.
But if just talking to someone was messed up, then I’d lost my way a while ago.
I’d been living my life without knowing which direction each side of me would lean, and when. I had reached the limit of what I could do while living in that indecision.
Ah—I could see now. I was always one step behind Yano in figuring these things out.
Now I knew the reason for my tears.
I had finally found my way.
And so I told Kudou, “Nothing’s going on.”
That reply might have sounded to Kudou like a definitive declaration, a statement that I was allying myself with Yano. But it wasn’t. I was the same as I ever was. Last night, there had been something worrying me. This morning I had run into Kudou, talked about it, and cheered up a bit. This was perfectly in line with the normal everyday existence that I always lived.
Of course, I knew that my classmates would not accept someone as indecisive as me so simply. I couldn’t forget what had happened to Iguchi, once her half-hearted stance was revealed.
And yet, I had hope.
Hope that one day, they all might realize it, too.
It wasn’t a leap to imagine that they could be in the same spot. They might be right there, within the pain of others. They might be mistaken in believing that they knew exactly who they were. We might all be messed up, each in our own different ways. We might not all have a defined place.
I had come to realize this.
And so, I knew that Kudou was different from me, as she responded in her own messed-up way, scooting her desk away from mine and glaring at me.
Her eyes looked like Nakagawa’s had when looking at Iguchi.
It was difficult to accept that.
I felt sadness, from the bottom of my heart.
When you’re suddenly in that person’s shoes, you can no longer believe “That’s just the way things are.”
Realizing this for the first time shocked me all over again.