There was no reason for me to ask her such a question, no reason for me to put my own head on the chopping block in that way, but even a monster like me could not take back words I had already spoken.
Yano-san’s eyes opened wide. She clapped her hands theatrically, saying, “Oh.”
And then, she smiled. It was a peculiar smile.
But…not a smug one. It was a real, natural smile.
“Acchi-kun, I’m not…afraid of you.”
“Why not?”
There went my mouth, all on its own.
“Why not? Even after what I did to you?” I asked.
My voice reverberated curiously throughout the cavernous gym. The trapped sounds and smells from the daytime all seemed to vanish.
“Why?”
Yano-san tilted her head, curiously.
Even I had no idea why I had asked this question.
“Be…cause…” she said, “You look at…me, Acchi-kun.”
I had asked this without a hint of sincerity. And yet, she had answered me straight-on.
However, I did not understand the meaning of this reply. I truly did not understand.
“Did you act…ually want me…”
Her words that followed rumbled through me like thunder.
“…to be afraid of you, Acchi…kun?”
…Ah.
“That’s…weird.”
She bounced the ball once. This time, it returned properly to her fingertips. The sound of the ball striking the floor seemed to tear through the very membrane of my heart.
Then I realized.
All of the true feelings that had been trapped inside that membrane came pouring into my brain at once, and my body went numb with realization.
Oh. Oh. I see.
I could not answer her question.
It was not as though all the words had vanished from my head; it was that the true answer to her question was something that I could never allow anyone to see. As I listened to her, I finally realized that all this time I had been mistaking the name of the thing that I had kept concealed inside my heart.
I could not believe this revelation, but I no longer had the means to dismiss it.
In the place within my heart that I thought held guilt, I ached, as though pierced by a needle.
It was Yano-san’s words that had pierced me.
Right on the mark.
“Acchi…kun, you’re the weird one.”
“…”
“Just returning a…little something you…said to me on the rooftop, hee hee.”
I wanted her to be afraid of me. Just as she had said.
The reason for this was simple. If she were afraid, then I wouldn’t have to worry about her anymore. I wanted her to fear me, to hate me, to think that I was an awful person. It would be so much easier if she could just cast me aside, wouldn’t it? For her to rebuke me, to deny me, even after I had wholeheartedly apologized. That would be so much simpler. I’m sure I had believed that.
I couldn’t say that I didn’t still feel that way.
I was afraid that she would continue seeking my aid. I had so carelessly, readily, come here to apologize, had I not?
Surely, there was some part of me that was still convinced that what I had done today was right.
The name of that tarnished spot I had found within my soul… I don’t believe that its name was truly “guilt.”
“Oh…or…”
Surely not knowing the darkness of my heart, she pointed at me, her neck crooked strangely. “Are you…afraid of your…self, Acchi-kun?”
“…Huh?”
“It’s o…kay, don’t be a…fraid,” she said, in a Nausicaa-like quote, grinning not smugly but flippantly. When I didn’t reply, however, she tilted her head the other way and asked again, “Am I wrong?”
I said nothing.
“Well…then, could it…be…”
She pointed now not at me, but at herself.
“You’re a…fraid of… me?”
Out of the whole rapid-fire volley of her questions, that was the only one I could nod in reply to.
With my simple nod, a sour look came naturally over her face. She recoiled, a perfectly normal reaction.
“But…why? I haven’t done anything bad to…you.”
No, she hadn’t. She was awkward, and strange, and slow on the uptake, but she had done nothing cruel to me. What I feared about her was not as pure and simple a reason as that.
“…Because I don’t understand,” I said.
“Under…stand what?”
I believe I was trying to feign innocence here, craftily showing her only what could readily be seen on my sleeve, not wanting her to see the true darkness inside of me.
Still, I told her the truth, the truth I always carried.
“Because you’re so different from me that I don’t understand what you’re thinking.”
So there’s no point in even worrying about this, I wanted to say.
“Huh? But isn’t it…normal to be…different?”
She didn’t sound as though she was belittling me.
“To not know…what someone else is…thin…king?”
Yano-san furrowed her brow, as though she did not understand what I was saying or thinking at all. That was the face—the face I was afraid of. The face where she didn’t try at all to conceal her lack of comprehension.
“In that case, then…who do you stand with, Acchi…kun?”
Who? Various faces passed through my mind. She held her hand out in front of her face and bent her thumb.
“The in…secure, useless…girl who doesn’t ac…tually look down on anyone but still pretends she…enjoys bullying?”
Who was she talking about?
Then she bent her forefinger.
“The smart…boy who’s always play…ing around, who al…ways knows how to…act, what the people around him will…do?”
Who was she talking about?
Then she bent her middle finger.
“Our stupid classmates who feel res…ponsible for taking revenge on be…half of someone who got into a fight and had something…ter…rible done to them by a former friend and…can’t bother making up with them, only ever nodding at every…one?”
Just who the hell was she talking about?
Finally, she bent her ring and pinky finger down together and squeezed them all tight, pointing that fist at me.
“Me, you…and all of them, we’re…all different. It’s normal to be…different. So there’s…no reason why you should understand what I’m…thinking.”
“…”
“And even…so, you’re afraid of…me?”
This time, I could not nod. What she said was completely off the mark of what I had tried to convey. At the same time, part of me thought that maybe what she said was true.
As I puzzled over this, her expression changed.
Her eyebrows lowered, and the corners of her mouth rose, just a little. It was not her usual broad, smug grin, but it was still a false, constructed smile. An expression that concealed her true feelings, to an unnatural degree.
“That’s so…sad,” she said.
That moment, a shrill chiming rang from Yano-san’s pocket.
When we parted at the gates, the words, “See you tomorrow,” passed from neither of our lips.