It was far from the first time he had told me to think more, but this attack cut me especially deep. Prior to the hairpin incident, I’d never even considered that Lady Hannelore didn’t know how I felt. Rather, I’d thought it was precisely because she understood that she was trying to keep her distance from me.
“You fell in love at first sight, didn’t you, Rasantark?” Vestaert teased. “Focus on that.”
“Thanks for the warning, but you’re a little confused,” I said with a slight smile and a dismissive wave of my hand. “It was Kenntrips who fell for her that quickly, not I.”
“Huh? As in... our Kenntrips?”
“Rasantark?!” the man in question exclaimed, overwrought.
Everyone exchanged glances.
“That’s a surprise,” Vestaert continued. “You’re always going on about her, Rasantark. Kenntrips, on the other hand, never says more than is absolutely necessary.”
“He didn’t seem all that pleased to be chosen as her suitor,” Gulaheld agreed.
“Well, he tries to keep it hidden,” I said. “At home, however...”
“That’s enough, Rasantark!” Kenntrips shouted. “Hold your tongue!”
Angering him further would only make him a pain in my neck, so I relented. Still, our fellow retainers couldn’t keep the grins from their faces and promptly set about barraging him with questions.
“When did you first meet Lady Hannelore, Kenntrips?” Vestaert asked. “Was it during her baptism?”
“Or was it perhaps when you became Lord Lestilaut’s retainer?” Gulaheld added. “If so... that must have been right after you were baptized, right? As a blood-related retainer, you would have been permitted to accompany Lord Lestilaut into the archducal living area from the start.”
The pair got straight to work theorizing. Noble children were raised exclusively among their relatives and tended not to leave their estates until they were baptized. It was only natural to place so much importance on their baptisms, as only then were they allowed to access the castle.
Unfortunately, as blood relatives of the aub, we first met her even earlier.
I swallowed my response, not wanting another lambast from Kenntrips.
“Kenntrips and Rasantark started going to the castle before their baptisms, didn’t they?” Codenest asked, his head cocked to one side. “I remember seeing them at our family meetings.”
As the son of the current aub’s younger brother, Codenest had also entered the castle before his baptism. He, Kenntrips, and I shared the aub as an uncle, though his father was the aub’s younger brother, and ours, the elder. Our mothers were from other duchies, so the only relatives we met before our baptisms were members of the Dunkelfelger archducal family. Naturally, we had attended gatherings of all the blood-related children.
“I’ve heard of your family meetings, but I can’t pretend to know much about them,” Vestaert said.
“We are summoned so that the aub’s children, who cannot leave the castle, can experience socializing with those of their generation. That was how we met Lord Raufereg and Lady Lungtase before their baptisms,” Codenest explained, searching through his memories as he spoke. “As I recall, my first conversation with Lady Hannelore was right before her baptism.”
On the days of such meetings, all retainers outside of the archducal family were allowed to rest. I remembered enjoying our old gatherings, as we simply spent the time playing together, but now they always seemed to end in someone getting chastised.
“Some degree of rudeness from one’s relatives can surely be overlooked, but is it truly wise to send pre-baptismal children to the castle?” Gulaheld asked. “There are some who don’t behave even when old enough to attend the Royal Academy.”
The former eldest apprentice attendant had graduated alongside Lord Lestilaut, meaning the task of guiding the new students had fallen to Gulaheld. He found that stressful enough, so the thought of a bunch of young children gathering before the archducal family must have seemed a veritable nightmare.
“Well, they can’t attend until they have their parents’ permission and can give a proper greeting,” I said. “That’s why, although everyone gets baptized at seven years old, the age at which a child starts socializing can vary. Usually between three and five, I think?”
I remembered attending my first meeting at four years old. Kenntrips had gone to his a tad sooner—just as he was leaving three.
“Between three and five?” Gulaheld echoed, looking more anxious than anything else. “Kenntrips, were you really that young when you fell in love?”
“It was not actually love at first sight,” Kenntrips shot back, his face twisting in the start of a grimace.
I scoffed. “And yet you wouldn’t shut up about how cute she was.”
“I really doubt that happened,” Kenntrips retorted, but his protest was in vain. I remembered clear as day the look he had given me upon returning from his first gathering—a kinder smile than he had ever worn before—and the very declaration he had made to me.
“She’s the cutest Lady Crybaby the world will ever see.”
Such was my oldest memory related to Lady Hannelore. I had been too young and inexperienced to leave my father’s estate at the time, and Kenntrips had been the only friend with whom I could socialize. Hearing him rave about her had wounded me, as though someone had stolen my closest companion. It had also made me envy Kenntrips for being able to leave the estate; he had gone and made a new friend without me.
Not a single pleasant emotion had come from that day—no wonder I remembered it so clearly. Even just thinking about it caused the same intensity that had coursed through me then to threaten to resurface.
As that storm of outrage had eventually subsided, a new idea had taken root: to put my envy to rest, I needed to start visiting the castle as well. So, I wasted no time in pleading with my father to let me go, to the point of sobbing on my knees. In hindsight, it was the worst move I could possibly have made. He had watched me weep with cold eyes, then waved me away as if my request weren’t even worth considering.
“The castle is a place of elegance,” he had said. “If you wish to go there, then you must learn to behave properly. I cannot bring a child who can neither control his emotions nor give a proper greeting.”
From that day forth, my education had grown so much more intense. Mother had even started taunting me, informing me that Kenntrips had been invited back to a second gathering and that she might even join him. Only when I was four years old was I deemed capable enough to attend as well.
“You two—quit glaring at each other,” Gulaheld said, slotting himself between us. “It’s been so long that I doubt either one of you remembers exactly what happened. Let us not forget the timeless battle between facts and feelings.”